Happy Birthday, Wanda June Page #6

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WOODLY:

I thought you might be burglars--

but you're not, I hope.

LOOSELEAF:

Nope.

(idiotically,

incapable of deception)

I got a lot of stuff.

WOODLY:

(looking at him closely)

You do?

HAROLD:

The door ws unlocked. Is it always

unlocked?

WOODLY:

It's always locked.

HAROLD:

But here you are inside, aren't you?

WOODLY:

You're--you're old friends of

Harold Ryan?

HAROLD:

We tried to be. We tried to be.

WOODLY:

He's dead, you know.

HAROLD:

Dead! Such a final word. Dead!

(to LOOSELEAF)

Did you hear that?

LOOSELEAF:

Yup.

Telephone rings. WOODLY answers, keeping his eyes on the

bizarre guests.

WOODLY:

Hello? Oh--hello, Mother.

HAROLD:

(to LOOSELEAF)

Hello, Mother.

WOODLY:

...Who?... Did she say how far

apart the pains were?... When was

that?... Oh dear.

HAROLD:

Oh dear.

WOODLY:

Call her back--tell her to head for

the hospital. Tell the hospital to

expect her. I'll leave right now.

He hangs up, faces the intruders.

WOODLY:

Look--I'm sorry--I have to go.

HAROLD:

We'll miss you so.

WOODLY:

Look--this isn't my apartment, and

there isn't anybody else here. Mrs.

Ryan won't be home for a while.

HAROLD:

Oh, oh, oh--I thought it was your

apartment. You seemed at home here.

WOODLY:

I'm a neighbor. I have the

apartment across the hall. I have

to go to the hospital now. An

emergency.

HAROLD is unstirred.

WOODLY:

I mean--I can't leave you here.

You'll have to go. I'll tell Mrs.

Ryan you were here. You can come

back later.

HAROLD:

Ahh--then she's still alive.

WOODLY:

She's fine. Please--

HAROLD:

And still Mrs. Harold Ryan?

WOODLY:

Will you please go? An emergency!

HAROLD:

She still has just the one child--

the boy?

He moves slowly toward the front door, with WOODLY trying to

hustle him and LOOSELEAF out.

WOODLY:

Yes! Yes! The boy! One boy!

HAROLD:

(stopping)

And what, exactly, is your

relationship to Mrs. Ryan?

WOODLY:

Neighbor! Doctor! I live across

the hall.

HAROLD:

And you come into Mrs. Ryan's

apartment as often as you please,

looking into various health matters?

WOODLY:

Yes! Please! You've got to get

out right now!

HAROLD moves a little more, stops again.

HAROLD:

Just her neighbor and doctor?

That's all?

WOODLY:

(at the end of his

patience, blurting)

And her fiancé!

HAROLD:

(delighted)

And her fiancé! How nice. I hope

you'll be very happy--or is that

what one says to the woman?

WOODLY:

I've got to run!

He turns out the overhead light.

HAROLD:

You wish the woman good luck, and

you tell the man how fortunate he

is. That's how it goes.

WOODLY:

(holding open the

front door)

I've literally got to run!

HAROLD:

I won't try to keep up with you.

I'm not as fast on my feet as I

once was.

All three exit. A moment later, HAROLD lets himself and

LOOSELEAF in again with a key. He turns on the light again,

roams the room, reacquainting himself with his beloved

trophies. LOOSELEAF is jangled by the adventure. HAROLD

chucks a lioness under her chin.

HAROLD:

Miss me, baby?

LOOSELEAF:

I dunno, boy.

HAROLD:

Hm?

LOOSELEAF:

It's a b*tch.

HAROLD:

(quietly)

A b*tch.

LOOSELEAF:

Didn't recognize you.

HAROLD:

We've never met.

LOOSELEAF:

I wonder who'll recognize us first?

They'll wet their pants.

HAROLD:

I hope the men do. I would rather

the women didn't.

LOOSELEAF:

I'm gonna wet my pants.

He laughs idiotically.

HAROLD:

(looking around himself)

Home, sweet home.

LOOSELEAF:

One thing, anyway--at least

Penelope didn't throw out all your

crap. I bet Alice threw out all my

crap after I'd been gone a week.

HAROLD:

We'll see.

HAROLD, who wants to savor the early moments of his

homecoming alone, now tries to get the very jumpy LOOSELEAF

out of the apartment.

HAROLD:

It appears that we're going to have

to wait awhile for any more action

here, Colonel. Why don't you run

on home while the evening's young.

LOOSELEAF:

Home. Jesus.

(makes his hands tremble)

I'm like this. Home!

HAROLD:

Home is important to a man.

LOOSELEAF:

You know what gets me?

HAROLD:

(absently)

No.

LOOSELEAF:

How all the magazines show tits today.

HAROLD:

Um.

LOOSELEAF:

Used to be against the law, didn't it?

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