Happy Birthday, Wanda June Page #9

---

He pantomimes turning the ignition key. The sound of a

starter and a powerful engine responds. He pantomimes

putting the car in gear and driving away from the curb.

Appropriate sounds are heard.

HAROLD:

I drive through the night, until I

was attracted by a sign which said--

Spotlight comes up on PENELOPE, who wears a skimpy carhop

outfit she has had on under her coat in the previous scene.

HAROLD:

"Hamburger Heaven."

PENELOPE:

Heaven.

HAROLD pantomimes swerving into Hamburger Heaven. Tires

squeal. He pantomimes a stop, kills the engine. He blows

his imaginary horn. A real horn blows the bugle call for

"charge." PENELOPE crosses to HAROLD.

PENELOPE:

Can I help you, sir?

HAROLD:

I think so, daughter. How old are

you?

PENELOPE:

Eighteen--

(pause)

and a half.

HAROLD:

A springbok, an oryx, a gemsbok--a

gazelle.

PENELOPE:

Sir?

HAROLD:

Raw hamburger, please--and a whole

onion. I want to eat the onion

like an apple. Do you understand?

PENELOPE:

Yes, sir.

(to the audience)

It was a very unusual automobile.

It was a Cadillac, but it had water

buffalo horns where the bumpers

should be.

(to HAROLD)

And what to drink?

HAROLD:

What time do you get off work, my

child?

PENELOPE:

I'm sorry, sir, I'm engaged to be

married. My boyfriend would be mad

if I went out with another man.

HAROLD:

Did you ever daydream that you

would one day meet a friendly

millionaire?

PENELOPE:

I'm engaged.

HAROLD:

Daughter--I love you very much.

PENELOPE:

You don't even know me.

HAROLD:

You are woman. I know woman well.

PENELOPE:

This is crazy.

HAROLD:

Destiny often seems that way.

You're going to marry me.

PENELOPE:

What do you do for a living?

HAROLD:

My parents died in an automobile

accident when I was sixteen years

old. They left me a brewery and a

baseball team--and other things. I

live for a living. I've just come

back from Kenya--in Africa. I've

been hunting Mau Mau there.

PENELOPE:

Some kind of animal?

HAROLD:

The pelt is black. It's a kind of

man.

Blackout.

SCENE SIX:

CURTAIN rises on empty living room. PAUL lets himself in

with a key.

PAUL:

Mom?

(silence)

Herb?

(silence)

Dr. Woodly?

(advances into room uneasily)

Hello?

(sees the cake)

A cake? Who's Wanda June?

HAROLD enters quietly from the kitchen, holding a can of beer.

PAUL:

Anybody home?

HAROLD:

As a matter of fact--

PAUL:

(nearly jumping out

of his skin)

Sir?

HAROLD:

As a matter of fact--I am home.

PAUL:

(thinking HAROLD may

be a burglar)

Hello.

HAROLD:

(simply)

Hello.

PAUL:

Are you--

His voice fails him.

HAROLD:

(hoping to be recognized)

You were about to ask a question?

PAUL:

Are you--do you--

HAROLD:

Ask it!

PAUL:

(blurting)

Do you know who Wanda June is?

HAROLD:

Life has denied me that thrill.

PAUL:

Do you mind if I ask who you are?

HAROLD:

Mind?

(aside)

God, yes, I mind.

(to PAUL)

I'm your father's friend. A man

claiming to be the family physician

let me in a while ago.

PAUL:

Dr. Woodly.

HAROLD:

Dr. Woodly. I should make a little

list.

PAUL:

Is anybody besides you here now?

HAROLD:

The doctor was called away on an

emergency. I think it was birth.

PAUL:

Where's Mom?

HAROLD:

You don't know where your mother is?

Does she put on a short skirt and

go drinking all night?

PAUL:

She went to the fight with Herb

Shuttle, I guess.

HAROLD:

You think you could find me a

pencil and paper?

PAUL:

I'll see.

He rummages through a drawer.

HAROLD:

And you've been roaming the streets

while your mother is God-knows-where?

PAUL:

I was going to a funny movie, but I

changed my mind. If you're

depressed, laughing doesn't help

much.

(gives HAROLD pencil

and paper)

When did you know my father?

HAROLD:

Man and boy.

PAUL:

Everybody says he was so brave.

HAROLD:

Even this--"Herb Shuttle", you said?

PAUL:

He worships Father.

HAROLD:

(pleased)

Ah! And what sort of man is this

worshiper?

PAUL:

He's a vacuum cleaner salesman.

HAROLD:

(deflated)

I see.

(recovering)

And he came into the apartment one

day, to demonstrate his wares, and

your mother, as it happened, was

charmingly en deshabille--

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes