Happy Birthday

---

Brady?

- Hey, babe, it's me.

Hey. I took the red-eye,

I wanted to surprise you.

- Surprise.

So, how was it?

- It was great, actually.

- Good.

- I met DMC. Run DMC.

- What?

- Yeah. He's adopted, too.

He was telling me he spent

his entire life in queens

just a couple blocks away

from his birth mother.

Never knew it.

- Wow.

- And they were talking about

fate and if he wasn't adopted,

would he ever have been

in run DMC? It was cool.

- That's crazy.

It's like you.

See? It's fate, babe.

- Fate, god, whatever,

I'm happy.

- Oh, cougar breath.

- Okay.

A little role-play,

no kissing. I like it.

- I'm on my period, babe.

- That's okay. Okay.

I remember when we

first started dating.

We'd have sex whether

you were on your period

or the house was burning down.

I'll be right back.

- Okay.

- What the f*** is this?

- What is that?

"She told me she had

a boyfriend the morning after."

- Wait, what?

Where did you get that?

- Maybe if you didn't nag me

to put the toilet seat up

all the time...

Let me see the string.

- What?

- You have your period.

Let me see the string!

- Look, Brady, I'm sorry.

I got really drunk, I didn't

know what I was doing.

I'm sorry.

- Well, happy f***ing birthday

to me.

What?

"Gremlins"? You want me to do

a reboot of "gremlins"?

Okay, I tell you what.

I will do a remake

of "gremlins," but this time

can't it be a racist

commentary against white people?

Yeah. Well, the original

was just a racist movie

about a bunch of troublemaking

dark-skinned critters

afraid of water,

break dancing to rap music,

staying up all night and eating

f***ing fried chicken.

Hello?

F***, dude.

- How long do you think

this has been going on for?

'Cause I replay it like...

- dude. F*** her.

Come on. It's your birthday.

Let's get sh*t-canned. Do

you have to work this weekend?

- Yeah, I do, actually. I have

to f***ing take meetings

for that lesbian action movie,

"hurricane dykes."

- All right, I should be

f***ing directing that.

Come on. Can't you get me

a meeting Sy?

- You can maybe get him

a cup of coffee.

- I thought you were

my best friend. Wow.

- I can't just get you a job,

okay? That's not how it works.

- No, it's fine. You'll see.

One day

I'm gonna have a project that's

gonna blow your f***in' mind...

But you'll just pass it up

'cause you're thinkin'

about your f***ing girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

- What are you working on now?

- Funny you should ask.

'Cause I've got

the most amazing f***ing story

you've ever heard.

"Batshit," tale to the heart

of darkness,

classic black-hat villain,

twists, turns, danger, drugs.

Unexpected love.

- Sounds great, man.

- Sounds f***ing great.

- You guys ready to order?

- I'd like the French toast,

please

and more coffee, whenever

you get a chance. Thanks, man.

- And for you?

- Yeah, eggs Florentine

with the poached, and a bagel

instead of the English.

- Did you just get a bagel?

- Yes, I did.

- I'm impressed. Wow.

- If you caught your brother

with his dick in a bagel hole

when you were 11.

- He likes lots of cream cheese.

- No cream cheese.

I don't think I can ever

have cream cheese again.

But thanks.

- Thanks, man.

- Oh, hey, look.

Before I forget.

Happy birthday, buddy.

- Wow!

You really broke out Bruce's

black card for this, huh?

- Look at it.

- Tijuana?

- Tijuana? What do you think,

I'm half a fag?

Tijuana's for p*ssy tourists

and college students.

You know what? I thought

we could get a couple

of wheelchairs and role-play

"born on the fourth of July."

Dude, your girlfriend

cheated on you.

So you've got no choice

but to go to Mexico,

find the dirtiest hotel room

and f*** the grossest hooker

we can find.

So no, I am not taking you

to Tijuana.

I am taking you

to the "real" Mexico.

Drug roulette? Drug roulette?

- No.

I don't want to play drug roulette, man.

- Come on.

- Have you actually been

to Mexicali before?

What's the danger level

we're looking at here?

- It isn't number one on the top ten

most dangerous cities in Mexico.

Okay, look,

would you stop worrying?

Please. Come on, dude, look.

I've taken care of everything.

- Does your dad know you

have this?

- Mm. Only way that soulless

bastard shows affection.

- Yeah, at least you got one

to be disappointed in, man.

- Didn't you find your real dad?

Granted, he's got a whole

other family

and doesn't give two shits

about you

but f***ing look at you, man.

You are one step away

from the most powerful guy

in Hollywood.

Who, by the way,

treats you more like a son

than my dad does me.

What's the yellow one?

Is that Adderall or Propecia?

Okay. That's like

the tenth f***ing time

you've checked that phone

in the past five minutes.

Do you want me to turn around?

- No.

No, no, no, no. F*** that b*tch,

right? F*** her.

- That's right. Yeah.

F*** that whore, dude.

What happened to that one chick?

That hot Asian girl

from the "green inferno" party?

- She had a penis.

- Oh, right, she did.

- She was hot, too. Too bad.

- Too bad. She had a penis.

- Yeah, I'll tell ya,

I'd rather date a Tranny

than date one of those

giant muscle chicks.

Did you ever see that porno

with that Chyna wrestler?

- No, man.

- Her clit was so f***ing huge,

it was like a bloated,

boiled cashew.

- Gross, man. I changed

my mine. I want to turn around.

We're gonna turn this around.

- Just forget about Janie.

Okay? Forget about her.

These next three days are about you.

We're gonna get f***ed up,

we're gonna drink

some f***ing Tequila...

We're gonna do some drugs,

we're gonna f***

some Mexican hookers.

- And have my kidneys...

Oh, sh*t!

What the f***?

- Now that's a f***in'

serendipitous moment

if I ever did f***in' see one.

- Jesus Christ, dude, pull over.

Pull over, wipe it off.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's good to drive into Mexico

looking gangster.

Leave that f***ing sh*t.

- F***, man! Why are you

walking so fast?

- Let's get something to eat

before we get banged up.

- I'm not eating there,

though, bro.

- Don't you ever watch

Anthony Bourdain?

These are the best places

to eat. Street food.

Food of the people.

Right, hombre?

- And in like 20 minutes,

I'm doing my best

Jackson pollock in my pants.

- Hey, where I come from...

If you can voluntarily sh*t

your pants on your birthday,

it's one to remember.

- That's gross.

- Okay.

Look... I am sorry your girl

f***ed some other dude,

I really am. But who knows?

Maybe it was meant to be.

Maybe you were supposed

to come with me to Mexico.

You might meet another girl.

At least get your mind off her.

It's your birthday. Can't you

forget this sh*t for one night

and have some fun?

- Okay. Fine. Fine, fine.

- Dos, uh, let's see um...

- Thank you. Gracias.

Gracias.

- You guys gotta be careful

around here.

They'll feed you that tainted

sh*t just to ruin your night.

- Well, to what do we owe this?

Well, you guys are Americans,

aren't you?

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