Happy Birthday Page #2

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We have to look out

for one another.

What gave it away?

- He was gonna feed you

the kidney meat

of the last two American guys

we saw here.

- That's not...

- Okay. Okay. All right.

- I'm kidding.

Lucia here spotted you.

- Oh, a little Florence

Henderson.

- It's nightingale, cowboy.

Be careful here, boys.

We can help you with tacos,

but we can't help you

with the Mexicali cartel.

You mix up with them,

they f*** white boys like you

for an appetizer.

- Oh. You didn't say anything

about the Mexicali cartel, man.

- Dude, this isn't Tijuana.

- Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Just don't be flashing your cash

around in bars.

You'll end up with a sack

over your head

and a trip to see

El gato Enfermo.

- Where's El gato Enfermo?

- Oh, not where. Who.

He runs this town.

And his specialty

is kidnapping rich,

white American boys

whose fathers

will gladly pay quickly.

- Well, I'm an orphan, so...

- And my dad's gay and homeless.

- I hear that's hereditary.

So you'll be sleeping

on the streets

and sucking dick in no time.

- Lucia.

- So, El gato, what's that mean?

- El gato Enfermo, the sick cat.

- And how does one get

such an endearing nickname?

- Well, his father was the most

feared man in all of Mexico.

He used to cut off the pubic

hair of everyone he killed.

Just as a souvenir.

And keep it around the house.

When El gato was a little boy,

he saw

his brother get murdered

right in front of his eyes.

When they found El gato

afterwards,

they say he was curled up

in a ball,

covered in his brother's blood,

coughing up pubic hair

fur balls. The sick cat.

- Wow.

- That is quite the fairy tale.

But we're not wealthy so

there's nothing to worry about.

- Well, see you later.

- Whoa, come on.

What do you say?

Two guys, two girls?

Last time I checked that's...

Unless you guys are, you know...

Okay, come on. Wouldn't it be

nice to go out with some guys

who can cook you dinner without

having to steal the chicken first?

- You're an a**hole.

- Don't worry about her.

- She's

but I guess I should go

meet up with her,

so maybe I'll see you guys

later.

- Well, hold on, look,

let me get your number.

Maybe we can hang out, even if it's

not here, but you know, eventually.

- It's not gonna work here,

babe.

Call me

when you're in the U.S.?

- I wanna see you before that.

- Hey, hombre, how do you say

"desperate" in Spanish?

- Zona Norte.

That's where we'll be.

Maybe I'll see you?

- I hope so.

Tonight's my birthday.

- Oh.

Happy birthday!

- Uppers, downers,

black beauties,

chemicals, Anthrax.

- Did he just say Anthrax?

- Howdy, boys.

They call me texican.

And I can get you guys

anything you want.

- Oh. Okay.

donde esta Zona Norte?

- "Donde esta Zona Norte?"

You gotta be kiddin' me.

You guys lookin' for girls?

I can get you girls.

What else you want?

- Oh, no, man. I just want

to know where Zona Norte is.

- Come on, gringo. You wanna

experience the real Mexico?

I'm your guy. I'll tell you

what. Give me $500.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Que Paso?

- Are you guys

f***ing robbing us?

You work for El Grando rancho?

- Robbin'? No.

Protection? Yes.

This is El Caballo.

Give us $500

and we'll be your tour guides.

All-inclusive. I'm a walkin',

talkin' resort of debauchery.

And I think you're talkin'

about El gato Enfermo...

And I suggest

you steer clear of him.

He's like the aborted offspring

if jaws had raped

Jeffrey Dahmer,

then John Wayne Gacy

dug it out of a dumpster,

ate it and sh*t it out.

- All right, well,

we'll do our best.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't be slingin' that sh*t

around here, tough guy.

El Gato's boys see that,

it'll get bad, fast.

Hey, look, you guys wanna

have some fun?

Steer clear of El gato.

And let us take you

to the real Mexico.

- What's the real Mexico?

- You boys wanna go

to a cockfight?

- Whoo!

- Pretty cool, huh?

- No. I hate chickens.

- You and Herzog. Thought these

things were just urban legend.

- Hell no, man. This is the real

Mexico! Mexico es magico!

Ain't that right, Caballo?

- Some say Jesus would have

been born here,

but they couldn't find

three wise men or a virgin.

- Come on, man. Let's go back

to Zona Norte, huh?

- Come on, cowboy.

Thought you guys wanted

to have a night to remember?

- Seriously, Brady,

it's your f***ing birthday.

Live a little.

- It's your birthday? Sh*t.

Feliz Cumpleanos, man!

- Texican here, he's gonna

get you so Jodido,

people are gonna mistake

you for Stephen Hawking.

- We can't do that, man.

Okay? We're in Mexico.

All right, we're gonna get

our f***ing kidneys stolen.

- Gentlemen, look,

you have my word,

Caballo here, you got

no worries, that's his job.

358 to me, 142 to Caballo.

We do this sh*t all the time.

He's f***in' liquid around here.

Esta es mi hombre de la mierda!

15 years, me and Caballo,

we come down here,

meet tourists, take them out,

they have the time

of their life.

Go home safe and sound.

I haven't lost a' one.

- Look, I don't know you, man,

okay? How can I trust you?

You got like a website

or something?

- Boom.

I'm as American as blue jeans,

Budweiser

and James motherfuckin' Cameron.

Caballo's my half-cousin.

I come down here on weekends

to meet guys like you, make

money. It's a buyers' market.

- You see that? We're fine.

This guy's a f***ing

government official!

It's 100% safe. Come on.

Come on.

- Yeah!

- Kill that f***ing thing!

- Bathroom, now!

- Bao, thattaway.

All-inclusive.

- This just feels too easy, man.

I mean, the guy just appears

out of nowhere

with his giant freak

of a sidekick

he shows us some I.D.,

and then we go with him.

- Dude, you saw his I.D.,

it's legit.

- No. No, it looks like

he made it at a los Kinkos.

- Dude, look, do you remember

that time I ended up

in Compton smokin' crack

in that hotel with that hooker

with the giant bush

and pancake tits,

looked like she was straight

out of national geographic?

- Yeah. Right.

- Right?

People f***in' love that story.

This night has to top that.

Do you got that?

That night, this night.

That night, this night.

Okay? Stay focused.

This night.

Come on, let's have fun.

- Okay, you're good,

you're good, you're good,

you're good, you're good,

you're good.

I'm not good. I'm not good.

Tommy. Tommy, hold on, man.

Listen.

- Hey, hey, look.

It's your birthday.

I'm your best friend.

And I promise I won't let

anything happen to you.

Okay?

- All right. Yeah.

- So what now?

We don't have to clean up

tamale wrappers

or anything, do we?

- Well, you guys want to get

borracho correcto, right?

- I don't know

what that means, but yes.

Well, you came to see

the right man. See that guy?

Kasape suka there?

- Yeah.

- He's a famous Aztec shaman.

And he's gonna give you guys

the night of your lives.

But can't do that

'til he's ready.

- When's he gonna be ready?

- Now.

- This is so weird.

- It's only weird

if you make it weird, Kwasini.

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