Happy Birthday Page #3

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- Okay, gentlemen.

Door #1.

Door #2.

And door #3.

- He's Wayne Brady, now.

- This ain't no

"let's make a motherfuckin'

deal" here, p*ssy meat.

- What is this? Like, peyote,

mushrooms, what?

- Wait! There ain't no f***ing

Alprazolam in these things,

are there? I got a major f***in'

allergy to that sh*t.

I once took my mom's Xanax,

sh*t my pants in a best buy

and almost f***in' died.

- What?

- A mix of psilocybin, mdma,

Coca leaves,

a little fairy dust, mellow.

Basically, if you're a p*ssy.

The finest psilocybins

you can find,

laced with just the right

amount of opium,

a touch of peyote,

these are the Frank Zappas.

A mixture of a rare

psychedelic menthol sap

and fire ants. You'll probably

puke or sh*t your pants.

- These are the Jim Morrisons.

- That looks like a dried bat.

- Ever take those?

- I believe anything worth

doing is worth overdoing.

- Great, yeah. I'm gonna take

number one.

- What?

- Star child.

I was made for loving you, huh?

That is a b*tch move.

- Yeah, f*** it.

Okay, yeah, f*** it.

We're gonna do number two.

Dos Frank Zappas, Por favor.

- Quatro numero dos, Por favor.

- No... four?

Did you just order four?

I don't want four.

I don't want four.

I want dos. I'm not gonna

double dose, man.

- Hey, hey. Nobody said we had

to do this sh*t sober, did they?

- What?

- What are those?

- Those? Those are

the G.G. Allins.

Nobody wants those.

- What is that? What's so funny?

- Go thou

and fill another room in hell.

- I can feel my teeth.

- Yeah, me too.

- No, man, like I feel like

they're vibrating.

- I can feel my teeth are

vibrating. They're vibrating.

- You getting grabbed

the wrong way?

- You guys are okay, you know?

These are some good

'shrooms, though.

These are some good

f***in' 'shrooms, though.

You feel your teeth vibrate yet?

- Yes. Yes. Is that bad?

Is that good?

It's bad, I got cancer.

- Nah, he's f***ing

with you, cowboy.

- It's bad. It's bad.

- Take some more.

Eat up, cowboy.

- Dude, I ain't you, man.

I can handle my drugs.

- You know, there ain't nothin'

for a bad trip

like buryin' your face

in a pair of tits.

It's like goin' back

to the place we once were.

I truly believe that.

I swear if I could, I'd crawl

right up inside a vagina.

Take a nap.

It's fluffy in there.

Pillowy.

I like fluffy.

You look like you're gonna sh*t

your pants, boy.

Have some Tequila.

Excuse me?

...accident with that orange

county lumber truck.

Excuse me?

Can I have some...

- What the f***

are you doin', pigfucker?

I can see it in your eyes,

you're scared.

You see, the devil,

he's riding your bumper.

Unless you speed up,

he's liable to take the lead.

And trust me, young buck,

you don't want that.

But why would he be coming

after you?

He only goes after bad people.

And if he's down there

punishing all them bad people,

doesn't that make him

the good guy?

You need to take a couple steps

back from the ledge, cocksauce.

I got something for you.

- What is that?

- Drink it. It'll help.

- How do I know it'll help?

- Just drink it

and shut the f*** up.

- What's that?

Argh...!

- Trust me, Crisco,

you want to drink it.

- I don't... ah...

- Caballo, are you okay?

What's the matter?

Are you all right?

Are you puking?

Are you pooping? Ugh!

- Both, amigo.

- Crisco! Drink it!

- I'll drink it. I'll drink it.

Sh*t!

We gotta get outta here!

Get out, get out!

Oh, f***, man!

You're supposed

to be watching us!

- Holy sh*t! Chick with a dick!

- Only weird

if you make it weird.

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, f***.

You're laughing.

Why are you laughing?

- I just saw a guy

get his throat cut.

- Come on. Think about it.

Is that really what you saw?

'Cause I don't know about you,

but I saw her pouring

f***ing grand Marnier

down his neck.

- Really?

- Yes. Dude, it's okay,

take a deep breath.

You're just freakin' out.

You're good. It's all good.

- Man, we gotta get outta

Mexico. Okay?

I've seen this movie before.

It doesn't end well.

- Yeah, well,

I've also seen the movie

where the guy gets the girl.

- You guys look like sh*t.

Wanna party at our hotel?

- I'm sorry, should we get

another room?

- Hell, no.

Group stuff gets me off.

Let's make this sh*t freaky.

- I'm not gonna do any gay sh*t

with that kid, though.

I'm just throwing that

out there now.

- Bro, come on. Like it'd be

any different than that time

we went to Vegas.

- That was one time,

that was with my t-ball coach

and it's because I really,

really wanted to pitch.

- You guys are f***ed up.

- That's my balloon.

- Oh, what, this?

- Yeah.

- Your balloon?

- Yeah, I really...

Don't, don't... okay.

Okay, all right.

I can deal with this.

All right...

- We're gonna play

a little game called "horse."

- All right, look, I'm down

for some kinky sh*t

but I do cross the line

at animals.

- No, like basketball.

H-o-r-s-e. Like this.

You're up, hooker.

- Hey, what the f*** is that?

- I think they used to make

webcam shows in here.

Don't worry, it's broken.

- Oh, you bad girl.

Okay, how 'about this?

- Oh, okay, now we're getting

somewhere.

- Well, it is Brady's birthday.

We have to do

something exciting.

- Please don't get an h,

please don't get an h,

please don't get an h.

Oh, this is the best game

of all time. I love this game.

- Yes, actually,

I do have a suggestion.

Before you get to o-r-s-e,

why not just get right

to the b and the j?

- All good things, baby.

Now I want you to stick

your tongue up his ass.

- What?

- No, I'm not doing that.

- Well, I guess you're gonna

get your h then.

- Do it. Do it.

- Wait.

- Fine.

- Fine?

- Fine.

- Fine.

- Fine.

- All right.

- ...your pants off. Jesus.

I can't, I can't. I'm so sorry.

- It's okay.

- I can't. I really like you,

but not on the first date.

- It's totally okay, believe me.

- Okay, how about this?

- Ow! What the f*** was that?

- Oh, sh*t!

- That was a little

too Mapplethorpe for me.

Shut the f*** up, it's part

of the game. Katie, hit him.

- No, Luc, I just think...

- Hit him!

- Ow.

- No, no, no, no. Like this.

- Oh! Oh, f***!

- Okay, what the f*** is this,

guys?

Come on, let us

out of here already.

- You're not going anywhere,

stud.

- Oh, yeah, no. I don't need

this sh*t, it's my birthday.

- Exactly. And the party's

just getting started.

Now it's time

to insert something.

No. Nope, f*** that.

- Katie, I know you're not

getting your O on this one.

- Ah!

Tommy? Tommy!

Oh, sh*t.

What the f***?

I can't breathe.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Why are you doing this?

- You'll find out soon enough.

- You f***ing b*tch!

Where's Katie?

Katie! Katie! Katie!

- That's not her real name.

What the f*** does it matter?

- I can't breathe.

I'm allergic to most sedatives.

Please...

- Jesus Christ, that wasn't

part of the deal.

There's no way both of you

are allergic.

- I think I'll take my chances.

- No, no!

Well, I guess

he got what he paid for.

- What the hell are we supposed

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