Happy Birthday Page #4

---

to do with him?!

- We'll let his guys handle it.

- God.

- Okay.

- Help! Help!

- Shh, shh, shh.

Look, you can make this

easy on yourself.

Just be quiet, and I won't

f***ing shoot you, okay?

It's simple.

Listen to me. If I'm not here,

listen to Katie.

And everything will be okay.

It's okay. Just don't do

anything stupid.

Help!

- Our top story tonight,

rumors swirling around

that the head of the most

dangerous cartel in Mexicali,

Adan Algonto Verde,

has possibly kidnapped

more American tourists

in the hopes

of obtaining ransom.

No word from the streets

as to who these people are...

- Hey, homey!

- Come on, flip over.

- I did 15 years in jail, Puto.

Sometimes I miss it.

You know why?

- Now if you scream,

I'll give you another shot

and I don't want to have

to do that.

Even though the doctor said

I could.

You might wanna have a little bit

of fun so don't scream, okay?

That's hot.

- Why are you guys doing this?

What do you want?

And where's Tommy?

He looked so f***ed up.

I saw them take him out

last night.

I just... I'm begging you.

- Begging me to what?

Let you go?

- Yes! Yes!

No, I don't f***ing know!

Just stop playing this song

and stop blowing smoke

in my face

and just take these f***ing

socks off of me!

- Look who's a lot tougher

when he's scared.

- Where's Tommy?

- When I get sad,

I tend to get angry.

And when I'm angry,

I do mean things.

Now let's get those socks off.

Katie!

- Oh, keep doing that.

- Hey, it's him.

- Hello?

What? Nothing.

He was asking about his friend.

He's fine. I mean,

the doctor was here,

he said the drugs haven't

affected him

and we can use as much as

we need if he gets rambunctious.

The worst it can do is

give him a headache.

You know I won't.

- What did he say?

- If the money isn't here

in 48 hours,

he'll be here just in case.

- Well, that's great, right?

Whatever we can do

not to piss him off.

- Have you ever heard the story

about how he became who he is?

I mean, how he took over

and everything?

- Parts of it, yeah.

Why? You?

- His father was the most

feared man in Mexico,

the famous

Esquelletto Fernandez.

The third son of a third son.

And the oldest was set

to take over, but something

was eating Esquelletto.

He had a sinking feeling

his eldest, his heir, was gay.

And for an old-school Mexican

kingpin, a no bueno.

So, to prove it,

he built this torture chair,

where a string was tied to the

trigger of a gun all the way...

- hey! Who are you talking

about? Huh? Where's Tommy?

- Drink this.

- No. What the f*** is that?

- Sweetie, we can't have you

having a number two

while we're here.

- Then what? I sh*t my pants?

- No, the idea is that

you don't do that at all.

I have to go check on something.

Can't leave that there.

- I can't stand that song.

- Hey, Katie?

I guess that's not

your real name, right?

What is your real name?

Come on, I thought

we had something.

You telling me all of it

was an act?

All of it? The taco stand

and coming here with me?

I mean, come on.

Fine, if you don't want

to talk to me,

just please don't put that song

back on.

- Let me guess,

you'd rather hear... Eminem.

- Rap? No.

Especially not some

white guy acting black.

- Okay, let me guess again.

You love led zeppelin

and the rolling stones.

- Give me a skinny English

white guy on drugs

and I'm set.

- But I thought you said

you didn't like white guys

acting black.

- Acting black.

- Are you kidding?

Zeppelin and the stones,

they literally ripped off

everything the old blues

legends ever made. Verbatim!

I mean, the two most popular

rock bands

in the history of music

are the biggest wiggers of all.

- Hey, Katie. Katie, come on.

I know you're not like this,

okay?

You're better than this, I know.

- You don't know me. At all.

- What are you doin' with Lucia?

You can help me.

Please, just help me.

- Nobody turns their back

on El gato.

- El gato? Is that who that is?

You told me he kidnaps kids

with rich parents. I'm adopted.

My mom has nothing!

I just met my dad

for the first time a couple

years ago! He hates me!

- What?

Brady, what are you saying?

I thought your dad was loaded.

- No.

- What the f*** are you doing?

- What?

Lucia! Lucia! Stop, stop!

Katie, get out of here!

Look, we are in deep this.

We have to get this guy's dad

to cough up with the money,

and fast.

The other guy, Tommy...

- Yeah?

- They left him in the dumpster.

He's dead.

- What? What did you just say?

You f***ing killed Tommy?

You f***ing b*tch!

You f***ing b*tch!

- Where's Katie?

- Oh, please stop with that.

What, are you two

havin' a f***ing love affair?

- Why am I naked?

F***.

Stop!!

Oh, sh*t.

- The more we do this,

the faster your dad

will cough up the money.

- My dad... I don't know my dad,

I keep telling you.

I don't know my dad,

he's not... stop, stop, stop.

- Whoa! Oh! Oh!

- What the f***!

- You're crazier than a shithouse rat.

Do you know that?

- You're like the f***ing

pretzel in the party mix.

Do you know that?

- Shut up! Shut up!

- Boring!

- All you had to do is stay

here and watch him,

not torture him with f***ing

chickens nipping at his balls!

- Did you talk to gato?

- Yes. We're f***ed.

- What does that mean?

What's the story?

- The story is that

you f***ed up major!

It was the other guy

we needed! Tommy.

He's the one with the rich dad.

And now he's dead.

He doesn't have any parents.

He's a f***ing orphan!

- So what do we do?

Do we just kill him?

- El Gato's gonna decide.

- Do you want to hear

the rest of the gato story?

- Katie, don't go!

- So the string

tied to the trigger,

it's like run down

to this system of pulleys

and at the other end,

it's tied to his dick.

- Katie!!!

- The sick f***.

Then rolls in a TV

and puts on gay porn,

hoping his son gets an erection

which then pulls the string

attached to the trigger

via the pulleys,

so he shoots himself

with his own penis.

So gato...

Was just hiding

behind bags of matter.

And bam!

The gun went off.

You're not gonna spit

on me again.

- How long are we gonna

do this for?

I get it now.

You guys f***ed up.

You wanted Tommy.

You took me. You f***ed up.

I get it.

You guys are f***ed up.

Why don't you just let me go?

Give me like a five minute

head start. You can chase me.

- It's tempting.

- Come on, with those long

praying mantis legs of yours,

you'd love it.

- Yeah, but you get five miles

into the desert

and at night it's so cold,

you'd freeze to death.

- You remind me of the girls

I used to meet in foster care.

- Where was your foster home?

- New Bedford, Massachusetts.

I tell you what, I tell you

my worst resident story,

you tell me yours.

- What makes you think

I was in a foster home?

- Takes one to know one.

- My friend, Wilma,

was from Puerto Rico.

We were inseparable

when we were like 12.

- You still talk to Wilma?

- Wilma's dead.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes