Happy Birthday Page #5

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- I'd say I'm sorry,

but I'm not.

How?

- Wilma was really William.

William

and his brother, Phillip.

Identical. When Willy

was eight months old,

his parents decided that he and

Philly should be circumcised.

Problem was, in Puerto Rico,

they used cauterization

and the doctor f***ed up.

And instead of fixing it,

he convinced his parents

to raise him as Wilma.

At around 12,

Willy started getting urges.

Girls, fighting,

pee standing up.

But the problem was,

Willy was raised as Wilma,

and Wilma didn't have a Willy.

Enough small talk.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, hold on.

Let me help you.

I want to help you.

Okay, I want to get out of here.

You guys obviously want

to get paid.

You know who I work for?

My boss is Sy Ginsburg.

You know who that is?

He's like one of Hollywood's

biggest producers.

He's a f***ing millionaire.

- You know, some of the times

the guys' families don't pay

and the cartel comes and just

kills the poor sons of b*tches.

I think people just

don't respect Mexicans.

They feel like they're less

civilized than whites.

And that really pisses them off.

If El gato shows up here,

well, then you know

it's all gone wrong.

All right, enough chit chat.

- No, no, wait, wait,

hold on, hold on, hold on.

You told me your resident story,

let me tell you mine.

It's worse.

- Bullshit.

- Mnh-mnh.

There was this kid, and they

had him in one of those...

You know those f***in'

padded timeout rooms?

They had him in there

for so long

they thought

he was gonna kill himself.

So they like took all of

his clothes, his shoelaces,

everything. They kept him

in there for months, just nude.

But he was so determined.

He pulled out his big toenail,

sharpened it on the floor,

used it to slit his wrist.

- Jesus, that kid's got

determination.

- That kid... was me.

Okay, okay.

Come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on.

Yes. Okay. Come on. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No!

Okay, okay, okay.

You get five miles

into the desert

and at night it's so cold,

you'd freeze to death.

- Wait, stop, stop, stop!

How ya doin'? How ya doin'?

Uh, uh, uh...

Estados unido? Unido estado!

Please, please, stop, stop!

- It's Estados Unidos, brother.

- I need to get outta here.

Help me, please?

- Don't mind my friend,

but get in, motherf***er.

Don't worry about him.

- I need to get outta here.

Help me, please.

- What do you mean, outta here?

We're locked in

for hundreds of miles.

I can get you to a phone, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Just f***in' drive, man.

- I like your f***in' underwear

there, toots. Don't I know you?

- Yeah, yeah, from the cockfight

and the... the strip club.

- In the prime of his years,

he married Gargamel,

daughter of the king

of the butterflies.

A fine, good-looking

piece of machine.

And the pair of them often

played the two-backed beast,

joyfully rubbing

their bacon together.

All right, puss n boots,

where you coming from really?

- These... f***ing girls, man,

they kidnapped me,

they took... thumbtacks

and-and-and-and...

And f***in'

they played this music, man!

I need to get to the border.

Just drive, okay? Please.

- Ahem!

Aside from the kinky sh*t,

what do you do?

- I work for a movie producer.

- Movies?

Ah, Lala never allowed them

on the reservation.

He said they're all just racist

propaganda films, you know?

I mean, look at "star wars."

Pious white people

fighting this evil black guy?

Have you ever really looked

at Darth Vader?

I mean, side shot, profile.

He looks like a big,

black dick, doesn't he?

I mean,

what's that supposed to mean?

- I think he was supposed

to look like a samurai.

- Hidden meanings, Kwasini.

- Right, yeah. Whatever, man.

- And what about "the avengers"?

Not one black guy in the group.

- Nick fury is black.

- He wasn't in the comics.

They made him black,

so none of the black folks

could complain.

They can't say, "hey,

there's no black heroes,"

because the white people go,

"well, yeah, look.

The leader's black,

so it's okay."

I mean, look at "rocky."

You got this white guy,

he's a workin' man...

You know,

and here comes this black guy,

dressed like George Washington,

and he's taking over...

The cherished symbols

of white America.

And rocky,

this white f***ing loser,

beats the black guy

and saves his image of America.

White America at that.

And look at "rocky III."

Now he's rich,

he's the flashy one, and here

comes another black guy.

This one from the ghetto.

I mean, this guy's really angry.

He's gonna f*** rocky's wife,

I know it. But no!

The rich, flashy white guy

still beat the black guy.

What about "gremlins"? - Could you

just give me one second, please?

Okay? My buddy is dead.

I've been in a room for f***ing days!

- What?

- And if I don't get

to the border,

some a**hole named

El gato Enfermo

is gonna kill me!

And what the f*** is that?!

Ah!

- El gato?

That's one p*ssy you don't want

after you, that's for sure.

Lookit,

go down this road one mile.

There's an office there.

There's your phone.

Out.

- This is so f***ed!

F***!

- Hey, man! Hey!

If I took your brain

and put it in a gnat's a**hole,

it would look like a baby

in a cardboard box.

Take some advice.

Life should not be a journey

to the grave with the intention

of arriving safely in an

attractive, well-preserved body,

but rather to slide in sideways,

whiskey in one hand,

pistol in another,

boot up your worst enemy's ass,

body thoroughly used up,

totally worn out,

f***ed up and screaming,

"whoo-hoo!

What a ride, motherf***er."

- What?!

Oh, Jesus.

Hello?

- Hello?

- Hello?

- Hello?

- Uh... donde esta ingls?

Can you help me, please?

Can you help me?

- I don't know, can I help you?

- My name is Brady Baxter.

I-I'm stranded here.

I need you to call the police.

La policia. Please.

- Where are you, sir?

- Uh...

- Wait.

Okay, she will take a shower

first thing,

and that's the only time

you can do it.

Otherwise she has orders

to shoot you in the knee,

and she will.

So just... wait.

Hello?

I can't hear you.

- Who is this?

- I got it. Hang up.

- Hello, stinky pants.

See ya later, penis.

- F***! B*tch! F***ing b*tch.

F***.

- Your boss won't come up

with the money.

I never finished that story

about why he's so unforgiving.

That day

he saw his older brother

wrap his toe around the string

and pull the trigger

because he couldn't stand

the mental torture anymore.

So little gato grabbed the .45

and shot his father in the face.

It was that day,

that one decision,

it made him who he was.

And ever since that day,

all of Mexico

has been scared to death

of El gato Enfermo.

And he's coming here.

He's coming here to kill you.

- Okay. Now's your chance.

Here's your chance, okay?

Just give me two minutes

to take the car.

I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry

about all of this.

It wasn't supposed to be you.

- F***!

- Hello, Mr. Baxter.

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