Happy Birthday Page #6

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- You're... him.

I... I know who you are,

I know who you are.

- Cllate.

I understand you make movies.

I love American movies.

Real cinema.

Paul Thomas Anderson...

He's my favorite.

You know him?

There is a fabric he weaves,

it's... very dear to me.

Very complex and sometimes...

Fragile...

Father-son relationship.

John c. Reilly,

Philip Baker hall in "Sydney."

Mark Wahlberg and Burt Reynolds

in "boogie nights."

"There will be blood."

Daniel day Lewis.

And that f***ing deaf kid.

All great things...

Were done by boys...

...who just wanted

to impress dad.

All the tallest buildings,

created by men...

Trying to show their dad

their big d*cks.

I think if women

ran the world...

All the big structures...

Would not be giant buildings

in the sky,

but lush, warm tunnels...

...buried deep in the ground.

That's amazing, no?

It's easy money,

preying on men who are guilty

of not raising their sons.

Millions of ignored sons...

Raised by nannies.

I have kidnapped now, well...

...maybe over 50 American

young men.

All whose fathers had money.

These guys were too busy

f***ing secretaries.

Building wine cellars

and looking at the "robb report"

to play catch with their sons.

So when they see the biggest

mistakes in their life

smack them in the face,

they don't hesitate to...

- That's not me.

Your girls screwed up.

I'm an orphan.

But I told them...

Call my boss.

Right? Call my boss.

He's got money, he'll pay you.

- I spoke to him.

Mega-producer Sy Ginsburg.

He told me that...

I could go f*** myself.

And that he was having

a hard time understanding me.

"Do you speak espaol?"

He said the only thing

he needed to say in Spanish was,

"put the leaves over there."

- What kind of person are you?

- Since I was very small...

I punish the bad guys.

If I punish the bad guys,

then I am the good guy, no?

Such a big heart.

And talented.

Shame to see it go to waste.

Look at me.

Excuse me.

Yes, hello?

I'm actually in the middle

of something.

So can you call me back?

Yes, please.

My grandson.

He's in preschool.

He stabbed someone again.

So could you please excuse me?

- Sure.

- I love American movies.

- Where'd El jefe go?

- He got a phone call.

His grandson.

- If it's his third grandson,

he's not coming back.

I guess I'm gonna be

the last person you ever see.

You know, I hear that men

after death stay hard for hours.

You think that's true?

- I've got something hard

for you.

- Whoa. I'm sorry, Brady,

I'm sorry.

Brady, look, I'm sorry.

It was just for the money.

You've gotta understand.

Katie really, really likes you.

It's all gonna be fine.

- Don't!

- That wasn't supposed

to be... loaded.

- Hello?

- What? Brady?

- Tommy!

You're okay, you're alive!

- Of course I'm a-f***in-live!

It was a joke, dude!

The whole f***in' thing!

Well, except for the, you know,

the mushrooms and the bar.

That was real.

How about the f***in' cowboy

tea-bagging that Tranny?

"It's only f***ing weird

if you make it weird."

It was a setup!

The girls, I paid them.

It was a birthday prank!

That's why they never

really hurt you.

And those shots

were f***ing Thorazine!

Did Lucia crack and tell you

about the whole thing?

Is she there?

Let me talk to her.

Yo. Hello?

- Holy sh*t.

Holy sh*t,

what the f*** did you do?

- What did I do?

What did you do?

Tommy, do you have any idea

what you put me through?

- Th-this was a prank, dude.

All of it.

This girl's a f***ing actress!

This wasn't supposed to happen!

Ah!

- A prank, Tommy?!

Is this your idea

of a birthday present?!

A prank where I end up

killing a girl?!

- No, no! The f***ing ending

is supposed to be Katie

coming through the door

with a f***ing birthday cake,

dude!

I was planning this

for f***ing months!

That gun wasn't supposed

to be f***ing loaded!

Oh, f***! Sh*t!

That's the chicken gun

that had the f***in' bullets in it.

- Oh, my god.

- I was trying to f***ing show

you I could tell a great story

so you can get me a meeting

with your boss.

- You could've just sent me

a script, Tommy!

Oh, f***. We're so f***ed.

- Wait, wait. We?

What do you mean, we, man?

You f***in' shot her.

- What did you just say?

- What?

You f***in' shot her, man.

The prank was up.

She was untying you

when El gato left.

- This is your fault.

This is your fault.

This is your fault!

- All right!

- I thought you were dead!

- Okay! It's my fault, too.

I'm sorry. Just please stop hitting me.

Just calm down.

- Don't tell me to calm down! I just

f***ing killed a girl because of you!

- At least we're not

in the f***ing states. Right?

Um...

F***, what about that,

the cowboy?

Texican?

You know, we can call him.

Maybe he can help us.

- He works for the government.

- He's f***ing Mexican, okay?!

They all do dirty sh*t

for money!

Just listen, I have a plan.

It's simple, all right?

We don't tell him this was

a prank gone wrong, right?

We tell him

exactly as it happened.

They kidnapped us,

they tortured us.

I... went to the f***ing

hospital or something, okay?

You've been here

for three f***ing days.

Sell this sh*t, okay?

You can act.

You're always saying

it's f***ing easy, so act.

You're f***ing filthy.

Take a shower, okay?

I'll come up with a story.

- Make sure you work out

the ending this time.

- Mr. Brady,

you f***ed up good, huh?

- It's these girls.

They... they...

They f***ing tortured me.

I had no choice.

- Tortured you? With what?

- With thumbtacks and needles

and f***ing music.

- Music?

- Es creed, huh? Nickelback?

- They drugged us, okay?

Tommy, tell them.

They drugged us both.

- They did. I had a reaction.

It was a bad f***in' scene.

Can you help us or not?

- Gentlemen, listen,

this is all good and fun...

But you have no physical scars.

No marks of torture.

Your trip to the hospital,

Mr. Tommy,

that could be the four of you

havin' fun with drugs.

This right here...

This right here is not good.

- What'd I tell you?

Why did we call him?

- Well, now, wait a minute,

Mr. Brady. I can still help you.

I'm a man...

Who knows many people

and places.

Ain't that right, Caballo?

- Mm-hmm.

- There's only one problem.

- What's that?

- Sooner or later, that other

girl's gonna come back.

What do you plan on doing?

Her friend...

Is dead.

- It's always the friend,

hombres. Always.

You find that one girl...

But it's her friend

who cockblocks you.

- All right, I'll tell you

what we're gonna do.

I'm just gonna wait here, right?

And when she comes back,

I'm gonna talk to her

rationally.

- You're gonna talk to her?

You're gonna charm this girl

into forgetting

you just killed

her f***ing friend?

- It was in self-defense.

- Ever hear of Mexican karate?

- No.

- Well, there ain't no such thing as

self-defense in this motherfuckin' country.

- Then I'm gonna get out of this country.

She doesn't know who I am.

- Bullshit, dude.

She doesn't know your full name,

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