Happy Birthday Page #7

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but she knows who you work for,

and using Facebook,

it's not gonna be hard

to f***in' find you.

- If you hadn't decided

to Michael Douglas me,

none of this would've happened.

- Hey, hey!

This is what we're gonna do.

Well, what you boys

are gonna do.

You're gonna clean up

that blood,

you're gonna put the girl

in the blankets,

take her out to my pickup.

Fortunately, in this hotel,

someone carrying out a body

in sheets... is normal.

Good sh*t, boys.

- Yeah, I love this song!

What...

- Hi.

I'm not gonna tell anybody!

Tommy! Brady!

- My beaner brethren would kill

to see this f***in'

role-reversal, huh?

- I'm sorry, man.

I can't believe this.

I had it planned perfectly.

As Lucia was coming out

of the shower,

she was gonna tell you

about the prank.

She was even planning

on you kicking her ass, y'know?

She's good like that.

It's the gun.

The f***ing gun.

It was not supposed

to be loaded.

It was the chicken gun

that f***in' Katie used.

Just don't worry about it,

okay? It'll work out.

- Thanks. That's really,

really assuring, man.

Because I only

just f***ing killed a girl!

What the f*** is that?

- Well, guys,

that is the rocket.

- This is so f***ed up.

This is so f***ed up.

What the hell is this?

What the f*** is this?

- What the f***'s the goat for?

- What is this?

- Texican, tell us

what the f***'s going on?

- What the hell is this, man?

- Es bueno, boss.

- What the hell you gonna do?

Slingshot her over the wall?!

- S.

- Are you f***in' crazy?

- Your gringo friend here

is the one who shot

that puto whore, huh?

So don't get mad at me!

- Okay, enough of your sh*t.

- Look, we leave this girl here,

the vultures are liable

to get her.

But this area is patrolled.

So if the Federales

find this girl,

there's a slight chance

it could get back to you.

Mexicans care more

about a dead American girl

than the Americans give a sh*t

about a dead Mexican girl.

So we shoot her over the fence,

U.S. border patrol finds her,

they think another dead beaner.

They don't give a sh*t.

It's a good plan.

- That's a f***ing good plan?

Jesus f***ing Christ.

We gonna say something at least,

first?

- Have at it, boys.

- It's okay, all right...

I'll say something.

Lord, uh...

Forgive this girl for

the path she chose.

Forgive her for

the line of work she got into,

and for what she did

to Brady and myself.

But, you know,

uh, deep down, um,

you know, f*** her, man.

- Hey, man!

What are we gonna do about

Katie?

- What about her?

- What about her?

She's in the back

of a f***ing truck.

We're gonna let her go, right?

- Well... unfortunately,

sometimes with jobs,

there's gonna be

collateral damage.

Now, this girl, she knows

everything about you guys.

- Wha...?

- I'm sorry, Mr. Brady.

But you,

you're gonna

have to kill her too.

- No.

No. F*** you. No.

Katie, listen to me.

They wanna kill you.

- No!

- I don't have a choice.

But I know that you know

that this was an accident.

I didn't want

any of this to happen!

And I'm sorry, okay?

I'm so f***ing sorry.

- Brady? Brady, I promise...

I don't care about Lucia, okay?

Tommy paid us and everything went wrong!

- Yeah.

- I know

you didn't wanna shoot her!

- F***!

I'm sorry!

- What the f***?!

- I'm sorry, okay?!

I'm sorry, dude!

I couldn't f***ing chance it!

It's all my fault

and I couldn't!

I couldn't chance it, dude!

- What's the matter with you?!

- Now we're even!

- She was innocent!

She was part of your prank!

- You shot a girl too!

- Oh, my god!

- I couldn't live with the fact

this was all my f***ing fault!

- Jesus, Tommy! F***!

- Now we're even!

Even conscience, okay?

I'm sorry.

I wanted you to have a birthday

to remember, man.

Just not like this.

- I'm so sorry.

Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, jeez.

Tommy!

Tommy! Guys! Tommy! Guys!

I'm so sorry.

- Oh, god, please.

- I didn't want

any of this to happen.

Jeez.

- Oh, god.

You're just a f***ing soulless

movie producer.

- Tommy!

- Oh, god, please.

- Oh, god, I'm sorry.

- You know what?

I have one last question.

- Ever seen one of these?

- Jesus Christ!

- Happy birthday, buddy!

Ha-ha! Oh, come on!

You couldn't figure it out?

They really did anything to you.

Think about it.

The needle in the toe.

I mean, the phone rings,

and then the fake news footage

and El gato Enfermo.

That guy's a f***ing famous

Mexican soap actor.

- This was a prank, Tommy?

All of it?

Lucia? You, too? Jesus!

You set this all up?!

- Funny you should ask,

'cause I've got the most amazing

f***ing story you've ever heard.

"Batshit," tale to

the heart of darkness,

classic black-hat villain,

twists, turns, danger, drugs.

Unexpected love.

- Even Janie?

- Um... no, uh...

That... that was real,

unfortunately.

But the rest, yes!

"I love movies.

Do you think

if women ruled the world,

the big buildings

would be tunnels in the ground?"

Happy birthday.

Come on, it was f***ing

brilliant.

Brilliant.

- Okay, gringo,

that is a wrap.

- Yes, it is.

- "Page 92.

Brady pleads with Katie

to save her life.

Tommy shoots three blanks,

killing her."

Are you shitting me with this?

- Thank you guys so much.

- That was a good one.

- You guys were great.

- It was a hefty bill.

We convincing enough for ya?

- I'd say. You had your balls

in a tranny's mouth.

- All-inclusive.

- Hi.

- Hi.

So this is it.

- I'd be crazy to see you again.

You know that, right?

- Yeah.

- But I will.

- Oh, my god, that's so awkward.

- Happy birthday.

- Okay, boys, rock'n'roll.

- Gotta hand it to you, man.

This is the most f***ed-up,

brilliant birthday present

I've ever gotten.

Your birthday's in August,

right?

"She told me she had a boyfriend

the morning after?"

Hear the fan?

- Cut.

- He was eating his gato.

- What?

- I love you.

- Cut.

- Is there, like,

any chance I'm there?

- It's a little...

- There you go.

- His hat!

Oh, my god.

- Ooh... boy bands.

One direction.

I'd f*** that one guy.

- Ay caramba.

- Okay, well,

it's not just your party,

it's your birthday,

but sh*t, f***.

We wanna all hang out

and have a good time too.

F***in' motherf***er.

- Well, this is the end,

Corsini. No. Kwasini.

Cro-croissant.

This is the end, croissant.

L'addition, s'il vous plat!

All right, here we go.

- So, man, what you been up to?

You still writin' songs?

- Uh, well, no, actually.

You see, all the great songs

have already been written

by guys with wigs and stuff.

- So what brings you

to Mexicali?

You just tryin' to get away?

- We're actually talkin' about

movin' back to Montana soon.

Gonna be a dental-floss tycoon.

Right, man?

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