Happy Campers

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NOTE FROM THE PERSON WHO'S PUTTING THIS ONLINE:

HERE IS AN EARLY DRAFT OF THE SCREENPLAY.

IT FEATURES A HIKE INSTEAD OF A HURRICANE AND

A SINGLE GOD-LIKE NARRATOR INSTEAD OF A SERIES

OF SUBJECTIVE, IN-CHARACTER NARRATORS. THERE'S

A LOT MORE PETER STORMARE (OBERON) IN THIS.

FOR THE ONLINE TEXT VERSION OF THIS EARLY DRAFT,

ALL "DELETED SCENES" AND "DELETED DIALOGUE" WILL

BE MARKED WITH RIGHT-MARGIN BRACKETS: ----> ]

DIFFERENCES IN DIALOGUE (REWRITES, ETC), SLIGHT

CHANGES TO ACTION, LOCATIONS, AND ANY RE-ORDERING

OR "CHOPPING UP" OF SCENES ARE NOT MARKED AT ALL.

ALL THAT'S MARKED IS WHAT'S MISSING FROM THE

FILM AS RELEASED...

EXT. THE LAKE OF THE CAMP--DAY ]

]

A brief, majestic trek across a placid lake to...discarded ]

life jackets on a barren pier...canoes capsized next to ]

abandoned sand castles. ]

INT. EMPTY CABIN--DAY ]

]

An unsettling glide through a cabin packed with overflowing ]

trunks and torn apart bunks...empty of children. ]

INT. CAFETERIA--DAY ]

]

A cafeteria looming like a ghost ship, bereft of people, ]

but decked out in the gooey remains of a food fight. ]

EXT. A PATCH IN THE FOREST--DAY

A tangled weave through a neglected gallery of trees, each

carved with a heart, + sign, lovers' initials, and an

apostrophied year.

EXT. ANOTHER PATCH OF THE FOREST--DAY

The viewer dizzys deeper into the woods before emerging into

a clearing to behold the enigmatic image of SEVEN ACTUAL

HUMANS-- not boys and girls, not quite men and women--

aggressively dressed to fit their very different

personalities. The Humans-in-question stare forward while

standing upon a log that is balance beamed across a ditch.

THE SMOOTH VOICE OF A NARRATOR (V.O.)

It was the first summer of the 21st

century. Wendy, Wichita, Talia,

Donald, Adam, Jasper, and Pixel were

to spend it as camp counselors. The

world would be changed forever. Kind

of. Not really.

EXT. CENTER OF CAMP--DAY

The seven characters are now seen situated atop an array

of large rocks surrounding a flagpole. They have all been

straight-jacketed into the same identity-squelching light-

blue shirt and all hold a glossy booklet that has a cute

counselor couple and a cuter Camper joyously roasting hot

dogs on its cover.

A HARSH MALE VOICE sneers from a loudspeaker atop a small ]

structure nearby. ]

]

HARSH LOUDSPEAKER VOICE (O.S.) ]

...no smoking, no drinking, no ]

climbing the mountain, no cursing, ]

no playing favorites, no sexuality ]

of any possible dimension... ]

]

Irreverently ignoring the harsh voice, the instantly ]

charismatic WICHITA and his overwhelmingly acerbic college ]

pal, TALIA, entertain themselves over the workbooklet cover. ]

]

TALIA ]

Am I the only one disturbed by this ]

cover? The way counselor's holding ]

his weenie... ]

]

WICHITA ]

...the way the camper is holding ]

his little bun. Total Kiddie porn. ]

]

An almost painfully adorable fellow counselor, later to be ]

revealed as WENDY, turns to give them a Sh-h-h gesture ]

causing them to further unmuffle their giggling. ]

]

HARSH LOUDSPEAKER VOICE (O.S.) ]

...and to quote the moving words ]

of the workbooklet: "You'll learn ]

the true meaning of responsibility ]

while creating memories that last ]

a lifetime." ]

]

WICHITA AND TALIA ]

Wow. ]

Two buses screech up out of nowhere. The counselors jolt

their skulls toward an opening bus door.

JUMP CUT:

The viewer pulls out from a T-shirt displaying a crappy mall-

computer-photo of a Happy Kid to see the SHIRT-WEARING KID

HIMSELF, clinging to a bus door, WAILING his reddened eyes

out. Moving off, one takes in the panorama of rabidly

freaked-out CAMPERS and beleaguered COUNSELORS.

Immediately most noticeable is a warped, sparkle-haired fairy

later to be known as PIXEL, who floats throughout the scene

sticking different colored band-aids on every camper and

counselor. Oasis-of-adorability Wendy overgloriously leads

a seated circle of singing, clapping campers into song.

WENDY AND CAMPERS

(Frito Bandito tune)

"Aye-aye-aye-aye, in China they never

grow chilly, So sing me another verse

that's worse than the first and make

sure it's foolish and silly..."

SMOOTH NARRATOR (V.O.)

Rightly or wrongly, for better or

worse, the counselors defined

themselves quickly. No one more so

than Wendy. First week of camp, the

perky girl who knows all the rules

and all the songs is pretty much

Queen.

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