Happy Death Day

---

Shut up!

Oh, hey, you're up.

I wasn't sure if you wanted to

sleep in or not, so.

Am I in a dorm room?

Uh... yeah.

Yeah, it's my birthday

And now you gotta

pick up the phone

Ugh.

Where are my clothes?

On the dresser.

I folded your pants

last night.

And I wasn't sure

if that material

gets wrinkled.

Great.

Uh...

Don't know if you

remember my name or not.

Uh, pretty wasted last night

- Got Tylenol?

- What?

Ugh. My head is killing me.

Do you have any Tylenol?

Yes...

I do.

Uh, sorry.

Thanks.

I'm Carter.

By the way.

Not a word of this to anyone.

Got it?

Yeah.

Sure.

Dude, you hit that fine

vagine or what?

Nice one, d*ckhead.

Hey.

Stop global warming?

- Oh!

- Oh!

Come on.

63 bottles of beer

on the wall.

26 hours,

that's all you got?

I can't hear you!

62 bottles of beer

Take one down,

pass it around

Keep going!

Hey.

Hi.

You haven't

returned any of my texts.

Yeah. Sorry, I've been busy.

Yeah. I can see that.

Okay, Tim, we went on

a date.

One.

I don't have to text you back.

We're not like a thing.

Okay. I just...

You know, I figured

we had a nice time.

You had a nice time.

I was miserable.

I mean, who takes

their first date to Subway?

It's not like you

have a footlong.

Does this look

infected to you?

Someone drank my booze.

It's open!

Oh, my God.

You sneaky little biotch.

Who was it?

Nobody.

Sisters don't keep secrets.

Seriously, it was nobody.

Well, I hope nobody

used a condom.

We don't want somebody

looking like a whore.

Thanks, Danielle.

Super helpful.

What are sisters for?

Oh, and don't forget.

House meeting at lunch.

Living for it.

She finally rolls in.

Did I totally embarrass

myself last night?

Not at all.

Unless you consider

dancing on a table,

starting two fights,

and barfing pretzel chunks

all over the bar embarrassing.

Please, tell me you're kidding.

Oh, and you also rammed

your tongue down Nick Sims' throat

right in front of Danielle.

Oh, God, but she was so

nice to me this morning.

Yeah, I think she was

as drunk as you last night.

So, consider it collective amnesia.

Thank God for that.

Oh, crap.

I'm so late for class.

Can't find my damn book!

Ha!

Hm hm.

Did you really think you could

keep it a secret from me?

How did you find out?

Driver's license.

Not the best picture,

I might add.

I assume you

changed my ringer too.

Who me?

Never.

What'd you wish for?

A new roommate.

Wench.

I made that from scratch!

Sorry, too many carbs.

Toodles.

Locomotive response

in the subject shows

an acceleration

across quantum plane.

This creates greater

orbital overlap

between the partially

positive beta carbon

and the partially negative

hydrogen alkali group.

Thanks.

Get your school spirit on

before the big game.

10% off with your student ID.

Okay?

And we still need to pick

this year's charity.

I can say right now,

There's no way

we're doing

the special needs

art fair again.

Totally freaked my sh*t out.

Thoughts?

What's wrong?

Oh, I don't know...

What's wrong, Tree?

Nothing.

Except for that cat lady buffet

you just dumped at our table.

And is that chocolate milk I see?

I missed breakfast.

What is breakfast, Becky?

- A**hole!

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tree.

Wait, you two

know each other?

- Yeah.

- No!

We had uh,

a class together last year.

Look, I was

bringing you this back.

Sorry, I didn't know where you live.

You know, I...

Yeah. I'm sorry again about the-

the mess.

What a douchebag.

Dr. Morris to

outpatient services.

Dr. Morris to

outpatient services.

Yeah, it's my birthday

And now you gotta

pick up the phone

Yeah, it's my birth-

Lori.

Hi.

Hi.

Um...

So, I thought

you only worked nights.

Doing a double for Jan.

She has the flu.

That's nice of you.

So, I guess I don't need to ask

what you're doing here.

Gotta go.

Look, Tree...

It's none of my business, but...

I think something

like this is

bound to have some

pretty serious consequences.

You're right. It

is none of your business.

Dr. Cerdin, Dr. Marco in 2476

Dr. Cerdin, Dr. Marco in 2476

I can't do this today.

There's too much

going on in the building.

I have patients.

And I'm losing mine.

Gregory?

Hi, sweetie.

What's with the door?

Uh, stupid thing got jammed.

Oh, just wrapping up here.

Have you met

my student, Teresa?

No, I haven't.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Thank you so much

for helping me out.

This is a nice surprise.

Nathan's been acting really

strange since our big fight.

And this morning, he drove to

Atlanta for a last-minute

business meeting

about opening a new gym.

Enter.

It's weird because I've never heard

anything about it before.

But I'm trying not to

let that bring me down.

- Is that my top?

- How cute is it on me?

Whatever. Just don't get

anything on it, please.

You mean like Nick's

nutter butter?

Wow. Classy, Danielle.

What time are you

going to the party tonight?

I dunno, later.

Ugh.

Our tuition dollars at work.

Anyhoo...

Don't be too late, or all the cute

Sigma boys will be taken.

- 'kay. Byeee.

- Byeee.

Who took my hair dryer?

Crazy b*tch.

Teresa, it's Dad.

I sat in that restaurant waiting

for you for over an hour.

I can't believe you would

do this to me.

Today, of all days!

Bayfield, baby!

Can't miss tonight!

Okay, you guys are hilarious!

You can come out now!

Losers.

Yo, I think your friends

went the other way.

Can I help you?

Look, weirdo, I'm not scared.

Why don't you go

try this with

one of the heffers

at Delta Gamma?

They're into cosplay.

Okay, I'm calling the cops!

Shut up!

Oh, hey, you're up.

I wasn't sure if you wanted

to sleep in or not, so.

Oh... right.

I folded your pants

for you last night

I wasn't sure if the

material gets wrinkled.

Uh...

I don't know if you

remember my name or not

You were

pretty wasted last night.

But uh...

- I'm...

- Carter.

You remembered.

Ugh. Tylenol?

What?

Uh, my head is killing me.

Do you have any Tylenol?

Oh, uh, yes.

Um...

It's over there.

Right.

It's underneath your clothes...

- on the...

- Right, right.

Thanks.

And...

It's like you've

been here before.

Are you okay?

Tree?

Are you okay?

Dude, did you hit that

fine vagine or what?

Oh.

I'm...

I'm sorry.

Nice one, d*ckhead.

Hey. Stop global warming? I...

Sorry, no, thanks.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Come on.

64 bottles of beer

on the wall

64 bottles of beer

Take one down,

pass it around

63 bottles of beer

on the wall

26 hours,

that's all you've got?

Keep going!

Faster!

62 bottles of beer

on the wall

62 bottles of beer

Keep going!

I can't hear you!

Hey.

You haven't returned

any of my texts.

Tim, what day is it?

Uh, Monday, the 18th.

You're sure?

I'm pretty sure.

I um...

I gotta go.

Call me?

Oh, my God.

You sneaky little biotch.

Who was it?

Sisters don't keep secrets.

I'm totally having

dj vu right now.

Oh, I have it all the time.

It's supposed to mean like

someone's thinking about you

while they're masturbating.

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