Happy Endings Page #7

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As do... as do I.

And cut.

Shauna, f***ing awesome.

I think l...

Oh! Sh*t.

It's gonna work, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, looks fine.

I was a house painter once.

Yeah?

A lot of alcoholics on that job.

The fumes.

No kidding, man. You want one?

Yeah, thank you.

So, how'd you get these jobs,

you know?

Turn that thing off, OK?

You make me nervous.

Yeah.

- OK, it's off.

- Is it off?

Yeah, yeah, it's off.

There's no red light, right?

There's no red light.

It's not recording.

Let me practice moves.

Wasn't the worst job, but...

the damn ceilings?

I hate ceilings.

Nobody asked

for a green card, huh?

Not for the crap jobs.

You stand at Home Depot,

nobody asks you anything. Right?

Yeah.

But for Lifewell

and Beverly Patrol...

you had to have a green card.

How?

I got married.

I was seeing this girl

off and on...

so she said she'd marry me.

It wasn't free.

I'm still paying her.

Wow! Hey, you think we could get her

for the documentary?

No way! You kidding me?

It's against the law. It's major.

We had to pretend for a year

we was married.

They came over,

they'd do interviews...

ask us questions

in different rooms.

She was real good.

Good actress, you know?

But nobody knows.

I mean nobody. Not even Mamie.

Nicky!

Nicky!

Hi.

So what if I hadn't seen it?

Were you gonna tell me?

I don't know

what you're talking about.

I saw the tape, Nicky. OK?

Javi and his wife.

Isn't that what you wanted,

to rub my face in it?

Like this isn't enough humiliation.

Don't be mad at me.

Be mad at him!

I care, at least.

Oh, yeah, you care. Yeah.

You're 100% heart.

Business is business, OK?

Come on. I'm not a prick!

Oh, yeah?

Yes. Hey, I'Il...

Wait. I'll prove it.

- You remember this?

- What?

You left it for the baby.

Come on,

I want you to have this, OK?

As a sign...

that I am not gonna screw you.

OK?

That's who I am.

And as for him, he's, you know...

I don't want to judge or anything,

but he's a sex worker.

He's a liar... sort of.

He's not ideal.

Jesus, Nicky.

You know that's a guy's cross.

Yeah, the father gave it to me.

I'm sorry.

Just don't do it again.

Kind of thought

we had a moment here, you know?

Based on you coming to me

first with this...

instead of Javier.

Do you want to put

some pants on?

Sorry.

- Morning.

- Yeah.

Morning.

Look, I want to see her...

so do you know where she lives?

- Oh, look.

- Is that Mrs. Kline?

Shauna. I knew it.

You know, now he's making

a fool out of me.

F***. He's fired. He's fired.

OK, and are you gonna

give me my son's name?

No. So let's just pretend

we never saw it.

What?

He will tell me

when he's ready, OK?

It's OK. Let's just leave it all alone.

Whatever. Fine, fine. Whatever.

It is so hard to keep your ideals

in this business.

You know, I got a great idea.

- What?

- I got a great idea.

What?

We go down to Mississippi,

and we get some barbecue.

And then we'll go

to the Indian casinos.

Have you ever been

to one of them?

- In a private airplane?

- Exactly.

Baby, you didn't tell me

you had a private airplane.

I'll go anywhere with you.

Just sign there

and note date of birth.

OK, everybody,

let's give it up for Steve.

Scott. I'm sorry.

He'll be doing She'll Be Coming

Around the Mountain.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Bacon!

Cool.

Look, I know you're angry

with the legal stuff.

I can stop it with a phone call.

That's what I want.

I hope you want to, too.

Oh, man.

This isn't a counter-suit.

We weren't honest with you.

You were right.

We didn't destroy all of your sperm

two years ago.

Oh, my God. I knew it.

The top sheet's

from the fertility center.

See, it's a log there...

and at the top, you can see where

you deposited three years ago...

and then at the bottom

where we withdrew it last week.

Wait, last week?

This is from a DNA lab.

We were gonna use this one.

Well, we heard

it was the best, so...

we went there using your sperm

and a DNA sample from Max.

Basically, we beat you to it.

What does it say?

- Charley...

- Let me see that.

OK, we want

an independent assessment.

- No, we don't.

- So do we.

I think it's important

you're convinced.

So you can have access to Max

to get a sample.

That's gonna be the last time

you'll see him.

We're asking

for a restraining order.

Our lawyer doesn't think

it's gonna be much of a problem.

Please, I don't want another test.

I'm sorry I didn't trust you.

It was wrong,

really wrong to do that.

No, no, it was me.

OK? Take a restraining order

on me, not him.

I'll sign anything.

No, you were right. We did lie.

About keeping extra sperm?

That's fine. Who cares?

No, we lied about...

why we stopped wanting

to get pregnant with you, Gil.

We just... we didn't want

our child to be his...

and we didn't know

how to tell him.

Because of me, right?

I know you guys have never

liked me, and that's fine.

Oh, no, Charley...

it's because we do like you.

Look, it doesn't matter why.

It was because of the affair.

What?

Gil...

OK, you have to tell him.

Gil was having an affair and...

he told me he was leaving you.

And I said whatever you say

when you hear that, you know?

"Think it over. Slow down."

But he was... You were really...

You remember

how you were, Gil? So sure?

And you know what?

I suddenly thought...

I don't want those genes

in my baby.

You know? I don't want a series

of Daddy's boyfriends...

coming in and out of his life.

But I couldn't tell you that, so...

Anyway, you were...

more invested in the guy

you were seeing...

than having this baby...

so we just told you it wasn't working

and we went to the bank.

It was a really hard decision.

And I felt guilty for a long time.

But there it is.

I'm sorry.

What guy?

He doesn't live here anymore.

He moved away.

You... you never met him.

OK, what, you broke it off?

It just ended, that's all.

That's the whole truth.

'Cause you were so interested.

All right? So our lawyer's name

is Jean Douglas.

And she knows Steve...

so I'm sure they can make

all the arrangements for your test.

Please, I don't want another test.

Restraining order's gonna be in place

in a couple of weeks, so...

if you want to get another test,

you have to hurry.

- I guess that's it, huh?

- Yeah, we should go.

I am so sorry.

I didn't tell you

because it didn't mean anything.

It was...

crazy, intense. I...

I didn't think

it would help to tell you.

I...

I wasn't born this way,

you know...

sterile.

I had a vasectomy when I was 21...

which was as soon

as they'd let me.

I got a girl pregnant

when I was a teenager...

and I thought it would make me

feel better about it.

OK. I don't know

why you're telling me this.

You know, just saying that...

that was a lie, too.

Just seeing if it makes us even.

I've got to get to work.

Oh, sh*t.

What?

- I'm f***ing pregnant.

- Nice move!

It wasn't intentional.

Yeah, but this is great.

Even if he makes you sign a pre-nup,

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