Happy Endings Page #9

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you're gonna get 30 years from now...

when your dad dies

from too much sex.

You don't have

to call me Mom...

all the time.

Otis.

Hey, baby. You look great.

I'm making some eggs.

No, I gotta go.

- Coffee?

- I can't.

I got a crazy day.

OK.

Lane says she's on for lunch.

Pick her up at her place.

Just give me a minute, OK?

That's OK.

You can leave it open.

Yeah?

I don't even know why I'm here.

I have already made up my mind.

It's just something we do here...

Jude. Or is it Judy?

- Jude.

- OK.

I want the abortion.

Do you want to tell me why?

Well, I'm marrying somebody...

and...

I want to start out

with a clean slate.

- This is not his child?

- It probably is.

If it isn't, it's his son's.

Are you serious?

Yeah, and then,

if we have more kids...

their brother or sister

could be their cousin or...

- You see how it could get?

- Yeah.

Do your partners know

of your pregnancy?

No.

Do you have any feelings

about your baby?

You're not supposed

to say "baby".

You're supposed to say

"pregnancy" or "fetus".

I'm pretty sure about that.

It's important to you

not to call it a baby.

Mm-hmm. But that's because

you're gonna rip it out of me...

and flush it away.

Are you pro-life?

Will you sign my form?

I'm just asking questions.

I'm pro-choice, of course.

But my opinions

aren't important here.

Well, then, I'd shut up about them.

I think we're done.

I have an appointment

for tomorrow at 10:00.

I don't want you

to misunderstand.

I think everything is a much bigger

decision than we think.

And this one...

this is the biggest.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I don't even know what to ask you.

You're a little f***ed up,

aren't you?

You gotta be better at this

most days.

This is about average.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

I'm not pro-life, though.

Who is, once you start

paying attention?

Oh, hey, babe.

I didn't see you.

Where were you this afternoon?

Oh, I called your cell phone.

Lane... her mom came to town,

so we took her to the beach.

Without Otis?

Didn't she want to introduce

her boyfriend to her mother?

I don't know. I stay out of it.

You do, huh?

I thought we were

gonna eat out later.

Oh, sh*t. Right.

Yeah. I got

a physical tomorrow...

so I gotta do

all the blood work...

and I can't eat anything

until after 7:
00...

or before 7:
00.

I'm gonna go sit out

by the pool, so...

come on.

I told him everything.

Otis, I said I'd handle this.

You'll take her back.

I know you will.

What's going on?

He knows you're

just after his money.

And I told him

what you had over me...

and he doesn't care that I'm gay.

I care. Of course, I care.

It's not good news.

And you're moving out.

Maybe I should hear that from him.

I guess you're moving out.

But you can keep the ring.

I know it's worth something.

Frank, it's true.

It did start like that.

I'm sorry.

But I really like you. L...

- You can't fake that.

- I can't.

So? So, me too. Me...

Dad, Dad, Dad...

I gotta think about my boy.

I mean, you used him.

You helped him humiliate his dad.

It's not good.

He might be gay,

but he's my only kid.

I don't know about that.

I'm pregnant.

Jesus.

No, she is not! She's just...

Hold it.

You are pregnant, aren't you?

It shouldn't make a difference.

Do you know if it's a boy?

What do you care?

You have a son.

Or a girl. I'm just asking.

Come on. This is

the oldest trick in the book!

Ask to see some tests

or something.

Oh, f***! OK.

It was worth a shot.

You can't blame a girl for trying.

I'm on the f***ing pill, Frank.

What am I, stupid?

Like the world needs another Otis.

Hey! Hey!

I want you and everything you have

out of my house...

Otis will help you...

by tomorrow morning.

- No, that's cool. I'm packed.

- Great.

At least you've got

some f***in' balls now...

which would be great, except it'll

just make your dick look smaller!

You know, Lane will tell me

whether you're pregnant or not.

Oh, call her. Tomorrow.

After 10:
00.

I'm ready.

Good morning. Charley?

You can put your shirt on. I...

I just wanted

to tell you this in person.

Not good, huh?

Well, you know,

as you can see...

sometimes it's reversible

and sometimes it's not.

It's just the luck of the draw.

Who let you have

a vasectomy at 21?

Well, it's all theoretical, you know?

I don't even want kids, anyway.

Well... OK, then.

Thanks, doctor.

Ted.

Ted?

I was wondering if I could...

if I could give you a call,

now that we're done professionally.

Yeah, sure.

Great. I got your number.

Last night, you found out

they were wrong...

Hi. Can I sit here?

Thanks.

- You're Mr. McKee, right?

- Right.

So, I hear Jude

f***ed you over, basically.

Me, too. I'm Lane.

Otis' girlfriend.

No one told me.

I have a boyfriend. Rick.

A**hole.

Just keep your head on straight...

I don't think she's off everything...

but she's better.

She's still fat, though.

Otis is so cute.

That should have been your tip-off.

I don't think Otis knows

what he is.

I think he just finds the idea of gay

attractive theoretically.

Because of all

the blow jobs you get?

I don't know.

Some guys are gay,

but you can flip 'em.

He's what I call a real homo.

No offense.

Hey...

I don't think it's hereditary.

It's a choice, OK?

Yeah.

Would you like another drink?

Do it. That is beautiful.

Thank you.

- I wanna drive it.

- Not tonight.

- Give me the keys.

- No.

Get in.

- Oh, my God, man.

- Yeah.

This is f***in' rad.

What does all this stuff do?

I'm not sure, but this is a...

like, a Techtronic gear shift.

So, if you just do that,

it's in reverse.

So it's real easy to operate.

Jesus.

- Are you OK?

- Yeah, I don't... I think so.

- I ran into...

- It's not my fault.

No, it's my fault.

- Is it my fault? -

- No, my fault.

- Oh, my God. Oh, no.

- I'll pay for it.

- Oh, no.

- Frank, come on.

- Here, here, here.

- God!

Take a drink.

I'll fix the car.

You're... you're OK, though?

Yeah, I think I'm all right.

- I'm Frank.

- Nothing hurts.

I'll pay for everything. Here.

I am... I'm gonna have to...

I gave her the f***in' tapes.

She won't sing it like Jude.

- It offends her.

- Yeah, whatever.

And if you think

she's clean and sober, wake up.

That's all I'm sayin'.

What?

Hey, you want any of this stuff?

It's just like, you know,

phone charger and...

Thomas Brothers Guide,

which I could use if you don't want it.

Yeah. Sure as hell

not gonna use it in Phoenix.

Yeah, take it.

What?

Oh, it's his license number.

The Mexican guy?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know anyone

who could trace it?

Javier lives here?

- Nice house.

- I know.

What does he charge

for a massage?

- I have to talk to him.

- OK.

Oh, please, Charley, no.

I'm gonna...

I need to do this myself.

Look. OK.

You're on my speed dial.

All I have to do is press send.

You're one thumb away

if I need you, which I don't.

Mamie...

I'm gonna come back tomorrow

or the next day by myself.

So, it's your choice.

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