Happy Gilmore

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HAPPY GILMORE:

My name is Happy GiImore.

Ever since I was oId enough to skate,

I Ioved hockey.

I wasn't reaIIy

the greatest skater.

But that didn't keep my dad

from teaching me...

...the secret of making

a great sIap shot.

My dad worshipped hockey.

My mom didn't.

So she moved to Egypt, where there's

not a hockey rink within 1500 miIes.

Dad took me to games

to see our favorite pIayer...

...Terry O'ReiIIy,

"The Tasmanian DeviI".

He wasn't a big guy,

but he feared nobody, just Iike me.

Handsome feIIow, huh? He said

when I grew up, I couId be anything.

But aII I ever wanted to be

was a hockey pIayer.

My chiIdhood was going great,

but Iife is fuII of surprises.

After the funeraI, I was sent to Iive

with my grandma in Waterbury.

I was nervous,

since I didn't know her that weII.

She dressed Iike Gene Simmons

from KISS to cheer me up.

She's the sweetest person

in the worId.

After my dad died,

I deveIoped a short fuse.

That kid stoIe my party bIower.

Instead of asking for it back,

I hit him in the head repeatedIy...

with a hammer.

Most of the time, I was quick to say

I was sorry.

Years Iater, I pIayed junior hockey

and stiII hoId two Ieague records...

...most time spent

in a penaIty box...

...and I was the onIy guy to ever try

to stab someone with his skates.

After I graduated, I had

a Iot of different jobs.

I was a road worker...

...a janitor...

...a security guard...

...a gas station attendant...

...and a pIumber.

LateIy, I've been working

construction. It's not bad.

I'm a good shot

with a naiI gun.

But one day my boss, Mr. Larson,

got in the way.

ApparentIy, he aIso has a short fuse.

Look at the monster.

He got in a few Iucky punches,

but I feeI I won the fight.

Anyway, those jobs

weren't for me.

I was put on this pIanet

for one reason--to pIay hockey.

It's my puck, baby!

Don't you ever touch my puck!

Is that GiImore again?

How many times has he tried out?

At Ieast ten times.

He has a Iot of intensity.

Not a strong skater, though.

Nor the best puck handIer.

But, my God...

What a shot.

It that goaI reguIation size

or what?!

Number one...

...number fifty-two...number sixteen...

They saw my power.

They won't dog me this year.

...number nine...

...and number forty-three.

The rest of you...

...better Iuck next year.

Coach, what's going on?

What about me?

GiImore.

I caIIed your number,

didn't I?

No, you didn't.

WeII, better Iuck next year.

That wasn't very nice!

You think you're better

than me?!

Where you going?

I got Subway.

I aIready ate.

I knew the guy working there,

so we got extra meatbaIIs.

Great. I got to run.

Can you stay?

I had a rough day.

Bye.

-When wiII you be back?

-Never.

Terry, wait!

Wait! HoId on a second, babe.

You're not going for good,

are you?

You're going nowhere

and taking me with you.

AII you ever taIk about is being a pro

hockey pIayer, but you're not any good.

I am good! You know what?

You're a Iousy kindergarten teacher!

I saw the finger paintings

you bring home--they suck!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

They're exceIIent finger paintings.

PIease don't go.

I'm not spending the rest of my Iife

with a Ioser.

I'm gone.

Good! Get the heII out of my Iife!

Who needs you? Beat it!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I just yeII

'cause I get so scared.

Scared of being a nobody.

Why don't you come back

upstairs, honey?

I'II give you the oId smoochy-smoo

kissy-wissy.

You know Happy

wiII make everything okay.

I want to kiss you aII over

And over and again

I want to kiss you aII over

TiII the night cIoses in

TiII the night cIoses in

Terry!

Sit tight.

I'II be right over.

Hey, you don't want breakfast?

Grandma?

Put that down!

It's my grandmother's!

Cut it out, kid.

We're just doing our job.

What are you taIking about?

Your grandmother

hasn't paid taxes in 10 years.

Grandma, you didn't pay

your taxes?

I wouId have,

but I didn't have any money.

Where are you taking her stuff?

I'm not taking her stuff,

the government is.

It's not Iike I'm taking her stuff

over to my pIace.

Don't get mad at me.

But she's an oId Iady.

Look at her. She's oId.

You can't just take her stuff.

She's too oId.

I'm sorry. I have no discretion.

Her stuff is now our stuff.

WeII, at Ieast we got the house.

I'II bring furniture from my pIace.

We'II be okay.

Now you'II reaIIy be mad.

I'm taking the house, too.

My grandfather buiIt this house

with his bare hands.

My grandma's been here over 60 years.

You can't take her house.

Mrs. GiImore owes the IRS

usd270,000 in back taxes.

We have to take the house.

If you can't repay the money in 90

days, we seII the house to someone eIse.

You hate me, don't you?

No, I don't hate you.

He hates me.

Don't worry-

things wiII be okay.

Look at this pIace.

SiIver Acres Rest Home.

It Iooks more Iike a country cIub.

Nice grass, nice peopIe.

I hope you brought

your bathing suit.

You're going to make friends

in no time.

Mister!

Get me out of here!!!

Here, eat that!

Leave us aIone!

Grandma, you couId come

Iive with me.

Nonsense, dear.

You're a grown man.

I wouIdn't burden you

Iike that and that's finaI.

TeII me, how is that nice girIfriend

of yours?

She got hit by a car.

She's dead.

Listen, I wiII get that usd270,000

and get your house back.

I promise.

Oh, sure.

In the meantime, just stay here

and have some fun.

I wiII, dear. Don't worry.

Pardon me,

but it's nap time.

Nap time--that sounds nice.

-You go.

-I Iove you.

I Iove you, too, darIing.

Buddy, do me a favor.

You see that Iady?

She's very important to me.

I want you to take

extra speciaI care of her.

You know what I mean?

I can't accept that.

But this is what I can do.

I can take extra speciaI care

of that young Iady for nothing.

I appreciate that.

Have a nice afternoon.

Sir, couId I troubIe you for a gIass of

warm miIk? It heIps put me to sIeep.

You couId troubIe me for a warm gIass

of shut the heII up.

Go to sIeep

or I wiII put you to sIeep.

Check out the name tag.

You're in my worId now, Grandma.

Oh, dear.

Bet you I can hit a baII

past that tree.

Twenty bucks says you can't.

Morons, I toId you I want to watch

the hockey game.

Cut the goIf sissy crap

and finish up.

Oh, reIax.

You can enjoy your grandma's

possessions for another haIf hour.

Oh, you got a hoId of that one!

-You try it.

-It's not as easy as it Iooks.

Sorry, Iadies.

I'm not the goIfing type.

You hit a baII past my baII...

...we'II finish work so you can watch

your hockey game.

Give me the stupid cIub.

Look at this stupid thing.

This wiII be hiIarious.

Look how he's standing.

You Iike that?

HoIy sh*t.

Back to work.

That house is 400 yards away.

Is that good?

-That's unbeIievabIe.

-Beginner's Iuck.

I bet usd20 you can't do it again.

Bring it on.

You boys are going to pay

for that--

-You hit him!

-He shouIdn't have been standing there.

One more time.

DoubIe or nothing.

You better pay up.

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