Hard Candy Page #5

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Can I call someone for you?

Is that what you...

Oh, you're getting bored.

Look, I'm sorry.

We gotta get this show on the road.

Oh, it's actually really impressive.

I thought it would be fun

to see how far you could get,

and I really only expected,

like, an inch or two.

That's not bad.

Why don't you just kill me?

Is that what you think I want?

Isn't it?

Close.

I love that you have all this stuff

because, like, this way you can watch,

you know?

Now I'm hurt.

I go through all the trouble

to set this up and you don't want to watch?

I just...

I stayed one summer with my

Aunt Denise and her kids.

You know, and her kids

were, like four or five,

and I was, like, ten.

No. No, I was nine.

And the littlest one...

the daughter, Lynnie...

She... she loved me.

So she had this...

she had this game

where she would jump out

of the bathtub, all soaking wet...

and she'd jump on top of me

and she'd tickle me.

And she'd tickle me

and she'd shout:

"Prune attack!

Prune attack!"

'cause her fingers

were all pruney.

I- I-I couldn't do anything

'cause I was afraid I'd hurt her

and it was weird.

And one day her mother

came in, in the middle of it...

and she saw her daughter,

naked on top of me.

And then... she yelled at her:

"Lynnie, get back in the bathtub. "

Then she took me by the hand...

and she dragged me

to the kitchen.

She turned the stove on.

We stood there

while the burner got hot.

And she pulled my pants down...

and lifted me up

over the burner.

I could feel the dirt

on my skin from her hands.

She must have been gardening.

And I cried and cried.

And I could hear the tears sizzle

as they hit the burner.

Then she sat me down.

She said, "If I ever catch you

with my daughter again... "

She called my mom.

My mom came the next day.

I never saw Aunt Denise again.

These things really stick.

Okay, well, you know, we're set.

Don't.

I told you not to use that word.

Okay?

Hayley, please.

You need help.

A teenage girl

doesn't do this.

I've seen your idea of what

a teenage girl should do,

so don't even start.

I'll pay for a therapist.

Thanks.

Thanks, but if I ever see a shrink...

- I want to make my case...

- Please.

really, really interesting for them.

Please. I'll do whatever you want.

You could call the cops.

I'll say I did whatever you want.

I don't think they're gonna believe

a confession under these circumstances.

Then I'll leave.

I'll leave, okay? I'll move.

Mm-hmm.

Donna's body will still be

where you left it.

I'm not the guy!

I'm not the guy, I swear!

Anything! Please!

Please don't do this!

- Anything?

- Anything! Piss on me!

F***ing feed me glass!

I don't care! Whatever you want!

I'll tell the cops I did

whatever you want. Please!

I don't what ever you want.

Anything. Please.

Please. Anything.

Anything. Anything.

Please.

- Anything.

- Yes.

Yeah, anything.

Oh, please.

Please!

When I talked about sending an email

to Janelle, you changed the subject.

I could send it right now,

pack up and go.

It could be the best thing

that ever happened to you.

You could stop torturing yourself with the idea

that you might get back with her.

- What do you say?

- Goddamn it! Get the f*** off of me!

Please untie me and let me go!

Please! Please don't cut me!

Please! Please!

Please!

I shouldn't have teased you like that.

I shouldn't have let you think

there was a way out of this.

Hey, um...

I got this medical text,

and if I forget anything

just don't panic.

Okay, 'cause it's...

It's right here.

Yeah, I knew you'd want to watch.

Look, if you move too much,

I could...

knick the perineal artery

and you...

You could, like, bleed to death

before anyone got here, okay?

So, just, please.

I really need to have

a steady, steady hand, okay?

Jeff?

Do you feel that?

Why do you care?

I'd be thankful

for small favors.

Wow.

That went well.

You know, you told that, uh...

that Aunt Denise story very well.

Very, very well.

What was that supposed to be?

Some kind of magic key

to explain why you are

the way you are?

Doesn't.

Okay. What should I do first?

Your right or left testicle?

Why don't we just say right, okay?

All right, now, I just have to give it

one little slice to free it up,

and then, um...

Snip.

Okay. Now I just need

to suture it up.

This would be so much easier

if I had, like, a nurse or something,

but, you know, I asked my friend

if she'd help me castrate a guy

and, well, she made all these,

like, ooky sounds,

like I was asking her

to swallow worms or something.

Yeah, we'll see who makes medical school

in eight years, huh?

All right, now, you're gonna

feel a tug,

'cause I really gotta get this tight,

all right?

So just... bear with me.

Okay...

Okay.

Okay, halfway through.

Over the hump.

Can't you stop?

Please?

Some men,

they go through their whole lives

with only one ball,

and they're just fine, you know?

Or so I've read.

Well, I guess I figured that you're not really

punished if I leave you with a spare.

Okay, stay with me.

Stay with me.

It's okay.

It's okay, Jeff.

If-if I left one, then you'd

be walking around crooked all the time.

Look, this is for the best, all right?

Okay, you're entering

a whole new world now.

Just gotta...

snip and...

Okay.

Wow.

This seriously has to be, like,

one of the easiest

operations, because...

Wow.

I wonder why they teach Girl Scouts

things like camping

and selling cookies.

You know? 'Cause this is

what's really useful.

I don't know how they'd design

a merit badge though.

That'd be interesting.

I saw Lynnie at Aunt Denise's funeral.

I told her what her mom did.

She didn't believe me.

If Denise was here right now,

what would you say?

I'd say, "Help.

A teenager cut my balls off.

Call the police. "

She wasn't very sympathetic

the last time,

so I wouldn't really hold your breath.

All right.

I would cancel any appointments

you have in the next few days

because you're going to be sorer

than you've ever been before.

Oh, I'd say, in, like,

eight or nine days,

take the stitches out,

which I suggest you do yourself

to save embarrassment.

Oh, and there's this website:

EunuchsQuestions. com.

Eunuchs is e-u-n-u-c-h-s.

I had a lot of trouble with that

but it gives great advice

on how to deal with your castration.

You really... You don't have

to go through this alone, you know?

Do you want some souvenirs?

No?

Okay.

What should we do with them?

We could see how far they bounce.

Actually...

we wouldn't want, like,

a little animal

confusing it for

an afternoon snack.

You know?

A little squirrelly

or a coyote might get sick.

We don't want that, especially with

you being such a conservationist.

We could grind them up

in the garbage disposal.

Or... or we could sew them

back in.

I had this shop teacher once,

who sawed off his thumb in class,

and then he grabbed some ice,

drove to the emergency room.

The next day, sure enough,

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