Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Page #2

such a boner, it's awesome.

Thank you. You ruined the moment.

She's all yours, buddy.

- You wanna pause it?

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

No, that's...

Enjoy.

Just a minute.

Fuc...

Hey, hey.

Let me in.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a piss, a**hole!

- Yeah.

- Yo!

I'm not joining

the mile-high club with you.

What about the really high club?

- Are you retarded?

- No.

You brought weed

on the f***ing airplane?

- Yep.

- What the f***?

Wait a second. You were giving

that security guard sh*t.

Yeah. How else was I

supposed to get past him?

By not bringing drugs on an airplane?

- Look... What are you doing? What is this?

- You'll see.

Harold Lee, I would like to introduce you

to an invention of mine.

Meet the smokeless bong.

- You made this?

- You know, I did.

When you were slaving away at work...

I was actually being

a productive member of society.

- Yeah, that's really productive.

- Let me show you how it works.

So you take a little weed...

put it in the bowl right here and

light it just like a normal bong, OK?

Now here's the truly genius part.

Inside this mechanism, I have

actually made a little tiny, tiny fan...

and some disinfectant powder, OK,

it works sort of like a deodorizer...

so that anything it expunges

smells like Lysol.

- Put it away.

- No, dude.

Can you not wait

till we get to Amsterdam?

It's the weed capital of the world!

- No.

- Put the bong away!

- Take the inaugural hit, dude.

- No!

Come on, man.

- Then I'm gonna do it.

- Put it away. Put the frickin' bong away.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Turb...

Terrorist!

Roldy?

- What the f*** is that thing in his hands?

- No, ma'am, not a terrorist.

- He's just an idiot.

- This is just a bong.

He said he got a bomb!

No, people,

it's a water pipe for tobacco.

No, no, no, it's not a bomb. It's just a bong.

Poison gas!

It's marijuana! Marijuana!

You picked the wrong plane,

you terrorist f***!

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

There are three air marshals

on board. Three!

We are not terrorists!

Sir, that's a bong, not a bomb.

Shut up!

I got this one!

- Roldy?

- Please don't!

I am in a great amount of pain!

Everybody relax. Just calm down.

Everything is under control.

Tell 'em to turn the plane around. These

two a**holes are goin' back to the U.S.

Secretary Fox. Glad you could make it.

Think I'd miss a terrorist attack

of this magnitude?

Not a f***in' chance.

Who are these people?

Representatives

of the different intelligence agencies.

I assume

Secretary Whitmore's coming?

Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip

in Glacier Bay.

I'm in charge while he's gone.

Well, shouldn't he be alerted?

Isn't this issue of more importance

than an ice fishing trip?

Who are you again?

Dr. John Beecher,

Vice Chairman of the NSA.

Yeah, well, listen, Dr... Dipshit.

You've obviously

never been ice fishing before.

- No, I haven't.

- Yeah, well, it's f***ing exhilarating.

The last thing anyone would want

while fishing for pike is to be interrupted.

Now back off...

and let me do my job.

What's up with the guy

with the weird eyes?

He handicapped or something?

We believe he's of Korean descent.

My God.

North Korea and al-Qaeda

workin' together.

This is bigger than I thought.

You couldn't wait?

You couldn't f***ing wait?

We were about to have

all the legal weed we wanted.

You know, in Amsterdam,

where we were going!

Thought you could

get away with this, huh?

You thought that after 9l11

our national security was a joke, huh?

Well...

guess what?

What?

We knew you f***ers would be back.

- Holy sh*t!

- But we're Americans, man.

- We love America. We love America!

- Very much.

That's a convenient thing to say...

after you try and blow up a plane

filled with Americans!

- No.

- No, we didn't do...

No, you see, you have the wrong idea.

My idiot friend here

brought marijuana...

- on the plane.

- Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Zip it, Hello Kitty. OK? I know

your operation's funded through drugs.

No. This is typical

government bullshit, sir. L...

- Hey, hey, hey. Shut up. Shut up!

- L...

- No, I'm trying to explain it! Harold!

- Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up!

Do we have the right

to make a phone call?

Yeah. Yeah!

I'm sorry. You want rights now.

You want freedoms right now.

Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?

- Guess what.

- What?

Where you guys are going,

they have never even heard of rights.

Well, where are we going?

We're innocent men!

We're innocent men!

I'm an innocent man.

I donate blood.

And toys for tots.

And now I'm in Guantnamo Bay.

See why I'm against paying taxes?

Hey! Hey.

F*** you!

Dude, calm down, OK?

Look on the bright side.

There's a sink. There's a toilet.

The pillow actually

looks pretty comfortable.

OK. You don't speak to me, ever.

- Ever.

- OK.

- No! Shut up!

- OK.

So what are you guys in here for?

For giving the United States

a taste of their own medicine.

- You guys are real terrorists?

- Some call us terrorists.

Others call us heroes.

Screw that. You think you guys

are heroes for killing innocent people?

It's 'cause of a**holes like you

that we're even in this f***ing place...

you f***ing cowards!

Well, maybe if the people in your country

stopped eating donuts...

and started realizing what your

government is doing to the world...

a**holes like us wouldn't exist.

- F*** you! Donuts are awesome!

- They're delicious.

You like donuts?

Well, wait till you see

what they make you eat in here.

- Yeah?

- What do they make you eat in here?

L...

Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich?

What's a cockmeat sandwich?

You're about to find out.

Right about now. Sucker.

All right, cockmeat sandwich time.

You know the drill.

What about them? They just got here!

Big Bob's taking care of them.

- Big Bob.

- Big Bob?

I hope you like donuts.

Let's go to work. Hey, listen, guys, enjoy.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

- This is not good.

- No, Kumar, it is not good.

- I've never had to suck a dick before.

- Me neither.

I bet it sucks dick.

Sh*t, dude.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.

Come on.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.

- Please don't let it be Big Bob.

- I'm Big Bob.

- F***.

- Yes, you are.

You boys ready

for your cockmeat sandwich?

No?

Well, you better get hungry real fast...

'cause I got a whole lot of sandwich

waitin' for ya.

Holy sh*t!

- All right, let's get goin'.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on, Big Bob...

I got to ask you a question

before this all goes down.

- All the guards in Guantnamo are gay?

- F***, no!

Ain't nothing gay

about getting your dick sucked!

You're the ones that's gay

for suckin' my dick!

- What?

- In fact...

creeps me out

just bein' around you fags.

- But...

- All right.

- Wait...

- Get down on your knees...

- and open your mouths.

- Please, Big Bob.

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