Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle Page #2

shows her titties in this movie.

Is that all you Jews

ever think about... tits?

Katie Holmes is a nice,

respectable, wholesome girl.

And I'm gonna see her b*obs.

The things I would eat

out of her ass... you have no idea!

That is

a completely vulgar statement.

So is "I want to bang Britney Spears

on the bathroom floor."

But it's true.

Touche.

Hey, listen, if...

I think Kumar's a faygele.

They're totally gay for each other.

- Hey, you wanna suck on this?

- Uh-huh.

What the hell are you

bringing your bag for?

Try to get some work done

in the car.

- Here, you're driving.

- Sh*t, I forgot my cell phone.

You wanna run back and get it?

No, we've gone too far.

Hey, there's your girlfriend.

You gonna talk to her this time,

or are you gonna be

a Vagina McGinastein about it?

What the hell are you doing?

You could've asked her if she wanted

to come to White Castle with us.

- Hold the elevator. Wait!

- Hey, how are...

You're worthless.

I'm not worthwhile.

Just f***ing talk to her once.

It won't be weird anymore.

Look, it doesn't matter.

The only girls who are interested in me

are girls I have no interest in.

Like Cindy Kim.

Speaking of Cindy,

she called earlier.

One of those Asian clubs she's in

is throwing a party at her dorm tonight.

God, she invites me to everything.

So what? She's kind of f***in' cute.

Let her touch your penis.

Oh, look.

It's the Brothers McFag.

Let me guess... the one

with the purse is the catcher.

Come on, guys, let's get ourselves

some f***ing Mountain Dew.

Extreme!

Yeah, extreme a**holes.

Why do I

have to be the catcher?

Dude, forget about those pricks.

Let's just get some food.

I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat,

like, 20 of those burgers, man.

Dude, f***in' I will see your 20 burgers

and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Dude, give me 35 cents.

What's going on?

It didn't register.

- What?

- Give me 35 more cents.

- I don't have any more change.

- Should I just go through?

No, no, I don't like

breaking the law.

Yeah, I can see that.

Hey, move your ass!

- I'm sorry. Hold on.

- I'm going through.

No, don't.

No. No. Hold on.

Let me walk to a manned tollbooth

and I'll tell them what happened.

- Sorry!

- Move, you f***in' twat!

- What's the f***in' holdup here?

- Sh*t.

Move, you retarded cocksucker!

Move!

- Are you crazy?

- What?

What are you doing?

Why you throwing the weed out?!

- The cops are gonna catch us.

- No, they're not. Not for that.

- Take this exit.

- What?

- Take this exit!

- No!

Dude!

You know,

that was the last of our weed.

Sorry. I get a little

paranoid sometimes.

Now we're in Newark,

of all places.

You know we're

gonna get shot.

Maybe it's not as bad as they say.

Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.

Check it out. Those guys

look like a lame version of us.

- Holy sh*t!

- Holy sh*t!

Let's get the f*** outta here.

- Go! Go! Drive! Drive!

- Yeah, that was your fault.

- F*** you.

- F*** you.

Yo, check it out.

We're almost there.

Thank God. I'm starving.

- Hello, New Brunswick!

- Prepare to gorge yourself.

You know...

We need some tunage for this.

Presets. Use the presets.

Oh, come on, dude,

your whole life is preset.

Try something new.

Where is this place? Isn't it

supposed to be right around here?

- Chill. We'll find it.

- Wait a second... is that the multiplex?

- Yes.

- Sweet!

That means the White Castle

should be right around the corner.

What the hell

is going on, Kumar?

That does not look

like a White Castle to me.

Uh-uh.

Dude, we gotta check this out.

Hey, look here, fellas. You guys gonna

have to order from the drive-thru menu.

What happened to the White Castle?

What?

There used to be a White Castle

right here in this location.

Where is it?

I hate to be the bearer

of bad news, guys,

but Burger Shack, they bought

this location about four years ago.

God!

Please tell me there's

another White Castle in town.

- No.

- Are you sure?

Do I look like the kind of brother

that would be unsure

about something like that?

Sh*t!

What are we gonna do?

I don't know, man.

Should we just eat here?

Hey. Psst.

There's a White Castle that's

open 24 hours up in Cherry Hill.

It's about

I can make the trip

if you're willing to.

Kumar, I got a shitload

of work to finish.

You got that

med school interview.

Forget about the med school

interview. It's a non-issue.

What do you mean

it's a non-issue?

Ding-dong!

May I interject for a second?

As a Burger Shack employee

for the past three years,

if there's one thing I've learned,

it's that if you're craving White Castle,

the burgers here

just don't cut it.

In fact, just thinking about those

tender little White Castle burgers

with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions

that just explode

in your mouth like flavor crystals

every time you bite into one...

...just makes me want

to burn this motherf***er down.

Come on, Pookie,

let's burn this motherf***er down!

Come on, Pookie!

Let's burn it, Pookie!

Let's burn this

motherf***er down!

Let's burn it down!

Let's burn it!

So you guys maybe should just

suck it up and go to White Castle.

You can always get

your work done in the car.

- Let's do it.

- All right. Awesome.

Then listen, listen... no matter what,

we are not ending this night

without White Castle

in our stomachs.

- Agreed?

- Agreed.

Wise choice.

You guys might have

wanted to stay away

from our special sauce tonight.

Me and Pookie,

we added a secret ingredient.

I'll give you a hint.

It's semen.

Semen.

Animal semen.

Dude, remember when Goldstein

used to work at that burger place?

This is the most f***ing confusing

movie I've ever seen...

she's possessed,

she's not possessed.

Dude, that rack better be stacked.

- Tits! Tits!

- Boobies, boobies, boobies.

Holy sh*t! Whoa!

Those aren't real.

Yes, they are.

You know, I'm almost

completely sober right now.

I wish we had some more weed.

Sorry.

Princeton.

- We're getting off here.

- Why?

Because we're gonna sweet-talk

Cindy Kim into finding us some weed.

- No.

- Why not?

You talk to her on the phone

all the time.

She calls me.

Then she rambles on

about her East Asian

Students Club or whatever.

Then I have to actually pretend

that I give a sh*t

or else she calls me a Twinkie.

A what?

Twinkie... yellow on the outside,

white on the inside.

Look, you Twinkie b*tch,

you were the one that threw

our weed out the window, okay?

So we're going to Princeton,

and it's your responsibility

to make sure we're high as sh*t

by the time

we're eating those burgers.

Forget it.

End of discussion.

I am not seeing Cindy Kim.

Harold, I'm so glad

you showed up.

Yeah, me too.

Did you like the hibiscus petals

I glued to the envelope I sent you?

Yeah, they were nice.

Hey, dude, you know

where I can get some green?

Dude, you know where

I can get some chronic?

Jesus, what the hell kind of

lvy League school is this?

Man.

Over here, man.

You lookin' to toke up?

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