Harold and Maude Page #13

Harold is thunderstruck - and scared.

MRS. CHASEN

(continuing)

I hope they will have more luck

with you than I.

127CEXT. BACK YARD BEHIND MAUDE'S - DAY

Maude is hoeing weeds in Madame Arouet's garden. Madame

Arouet is working in the back. Harold comes up to Maude.

HAROLD:

Maude, I must speak to you.

MAUDE:

What is it, Harold?

HAROLD:

They're going to draft me. In

the Army. I'm going to be sent

away.

MAUDE:

But they can't do that. You

haven't even got the vote.

HAROLD:

But they have.

MAUDE:

Well, don't go.

She obviously is not perturbed about Harold's plight and

seems more interested in gathering weeds.

MAUDE:

(continuing)

Perhaps war is part of the human

condition. But it shouldn't be

encouraged. Bring over that

wheelbarrow, will you please?

Harold goes to get the wheelbarrow.

HAROLD:

But they'll put me in jail.

MAUDE:

Really. Just put it there,

Harold.

Harold puts down the wheelbarrow and Maude starts forking

the weeds into it.

MAUDE:

(continuing)

They'd put you in jail, eh? Well,

historically you'd be in very

good company.

(she laughs)

That's what my husband used to

say when we were in the French

Underground dealing with the

Gestapo. Would you like to do a

little raking?

(she wipes

her brow)

Work, I'm told, done with no

selfish interest, purifies the mind.

You sink your separate self and

become one with the universal self.

On the other hand, senseless labor

is a bloody bore and should be

scrupulously avoided.

HAROLD:

(very concerned)

Maude, do you think you can

help me?

MAUDE:

What? With your skill and my

experience... I think we can come

up with something.

127D INT. UNCLE VICTOR'S CAR - DAY

Uncle Victor and Harold are seated in the back of the

General's military limousine. As they ride along, Uncle

Victor is being very expansive. Harold is being unusually

attentive.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Harold, I want you to look at me

like your father in this matter.

We'll spend the day just getting

to know each other. Now, I know

that you have no great desire to

join the Army. Hell, I felt the

same way myself when I started

out. But believe me, Harold, once

you get to know it, you'll love

it. It's a great life. Look at

me. A chauffeur. Respect. Money

in the bank.

(he looks at

his empty

sleeve)

It has its drawbacks. Like

anything else, I suppose. But

the Army takes care of you. You

join up, and you've got a buddy

for life.

127EEXT. A LARGE CITY PARK - DAY

The General and Harold have left the car and are walking

along the path. There are not many people about, mostly

mothers with small children.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Good idea of yours to come out

here, Harold. It's a lovely spot.

HAROLD:

Thank you, Uncle.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Call me "sir," Harold. First thing

you learn in the Army - an officer

deserves your respect.

HAROLD:

Yes, sir.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Perfectly lovely. You know, this

is what we're defending. Everything

that's good and beautiful in the

American way of life. Oh, there's

some nut peace petitioner over there.

Let's go off this way. Those crazy

Commie bastards. I don't know why

we tolerate 'em. Parasites.

Harold looks over toward the peace petitioner.

HAROLD:

Yes, sir.

127FEXT. A TRAIL IN THE PARK - DAY

UNCLE VICTOR:

Let's examine the facts on it. I

say this country has been too harsh

in its outright condemnation of war.

I say you can point to many material

advantages brought about by a crisis

and conflict policy. Hell, World

War II gave us the ballpoint pen.

That's common knowledge.

HAROLD:

During wartime the national suicide

rate goes down.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Is that a fact? Well, that fits

in right along with everything I've

been saying. War is not all black.

HAROLD:

War is not all black.

The trail splits in a fork. Harold, it seems, subtly

leads the General to take the right. They walk on.

127GEXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PARK - DAY

The General and Harold sit on a bench overlooking a

reservoir.

UNCLE VICTOR:

And so I ask you - why the hell did

we give up on the Germans? Those

damn politicians in Washington

chalked them up on our side and the

wars ever since have been a national

disgrace. Hell, look at history.

The two best wars this country has

fought were against the Jerries.

Now I say, get the Krauts on the

other side of the fence where they

belong, and let's get back to the

kind of enemy worth killing and the

kind of war this whole country can

support.

HAROLD:

(admiringly)

Jeez, sir. That's pretty strong stuff.

They get up to go.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Well, Harold, I've always been a man

who speaks his mind. It's hurt me.

I'm not liked in Washington. I know

that. But I do have friends in high

places.

They walk off toward the reservoir.

127HEXT. BY THE RESERVOIR - DAY

They are seated under a tree, close to the dam.

UNCLE VICTOR:

They came at me from all sides,

hundreds of 'em. We kept firing -

Zat-Tat-Tat-Tat! "Throw the

grenades," I shouted. "Mac, throw

the grenades!" "He's dead," Joe

said, and kept right on feeding me

bullets. Zat-Tat-Tat-Tat! They

kept falling, but they kept coming.

Bullets whizzing all around me.

Zot! Joe falls back with a neat

red hole in his head. I thought I

was done for. But I kept firing.

Zat-Tat-Tat! Only one thought

kept me going. Kill! Kill! For

Mac, and Joe, and the rest of the

guys. Kill! - a blinding flash.

I wake up on a stretcher. "Did

we hold?" I asked the medic. "Yes,

sir," he said, and I slipped into

unconsciousness.

HAROLD:

Jeez! That's a great story,

UNCLE VICTOR:

Well, you'll soon have stories like

that to tell of your own.

HAROLD:

You think so, sir?

UNCLE VICTOR:

Sure. Be able to tell your children.

Something for them to look up to. Be

proud of.

HAROLD:

I hope so, sir. Golly I never knew

it could be so exciting.

UNCLE VICTOR:

It's the greatest excitement in the

world.

HAROLD:

(pensively)

To pit your own life against another.

UNCLE VICTOR:

That's right.

HAROLD:

To kill. The taste of blood in

your mouth.

UNCLE VICTOR:

The moment of truth.

HAROLD:

(holding an

imaginary rifle)

Another man's life in your sights.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Yes.

HAROLD:

(he fires)

ZAT!

Harold begins going into a state of catatonic excitement.

HAROLD:

Will they really teach me to shoot?

UNCLE VICTOR:

Oh, sure. A variety of weapons.

HAROLD:

And to use the bayonet? PACHOIE!

UNCLE VICTOR:

Oh sure.

HAROLD:

How about hand-to-hand combat?

UNCLE VICTOR:

Yes.

HAROLD:

To strangle someone. Choke him.

Squeeze out his life between your

hands.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Eh?

HAROLD:

How about to slit his throat?

UNCLE VICTOR:

Well, I don't...

HAROLD:

I'd like that. You could see the

blood squirt out.

UNCLE VICTOR:

Harold, I think you're getting

carried away here.

HAROLD:

Sir, how about souvenirs?

UNCLE VICTOR:

Souvenirs?

HAROLD:

Of your kill - ears, nose, scalp,

privates.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes