Harold and Maude Page #3

31 INT. CHURCH - DAY

PAN DOWN from the stained glass window of a church. The

organ is playing softly. The PRIEST, a silver haired man

rapidly approaching dotage, is in the pulpit.

PRIEST:

And so dear brethren, let us pray

to the Lord, King of Glory, that

He may bless and deliver all souls

of the faithful departed from the

pains of hell and the bottomless

pit, deliver them from the lion's

mouth and the darkness therein,

but rather bring them to the bliss

of heaven, the holy light, and

eternal rest.

During the above we PULL BACK to reveal an open coffin and

a church spreckled with a few mourners in black. Con-

spicuous in an empty pew is Harold.

The priest goes to the altar and mumbles the dull ritual.

The small congregation responds. Harold sits quietly

enjoying it all.

VOICE (o.s.)

Psst!

Harold, startled, looks over to his left.

32HAROLD'S POV

A pixiesque old woman, somewhat eccentrically dressed, is

smiling at him. It is Maude again.

33CLOSEUP HAROLD

Frowning slightly, Harold turns back front.

MAUDE:

Psst.

Harold looks back.

34HAROLD'S POV

Maude gives him a coquettish wink.

35CLOSEUP HAROLD

Harold is slightly shocked. He returns his attention to

the altar.

36MED. SHOT - PRIEST

The priest moans on.

37MED. SHOT - HAROLD

Harold sits attentively.

VOICE (o.s.)

Psst!

Harold, startled, looks over his right shoulder and sees

Maude kneeling in the pew behind him. She speaks with a

slight British/European accent.

MAUDE:

Like some licorice?

She offers some.

HAROLD:

Eh, no. Thank you.

MAUDE:

You're welcome.

(gesturing to

the deceased)

Did you know him?

HAROLD:

Eh, no.

MAUDE:

Me neither. I heard he was eighty

years old. I'll be eighty next

week. A good time to move on,

don't you think?

HAROLD:

(trying to

ignore her)

I don't know.

MAUDE:

I mean, seventy-five is too early,

but at eighty-five, well, you're

just marking time and you may as

well look over the horizon.

38MED. SHOT - ALTAR

The priest finishes the prayers and exits. The casket is

closed and the pallbearers take it out the side door. The

few mourners follow.

Maude is now sitting next to Harold.

MAUDE:

I'll never understand this mania

for black. I mean no one sends

black flowers, do they? Black

flowers are dead flowers and who

would send black flowers to a

funeral? It's change!

(fluttery laugh)

How absurd.

Her eye catches a dour portrait of the Blessed Virgin and

Child on a pillar. With one swoop she takes a felt pen

from Harold's breast pocket and draws on the painting a

bright and cheery smile.

Harold is stunned.

MAUDE:

There, that's better. They never

give the poor thing a chance to

laugh. Heaven knows she has a lot

to be happy about. In fact...

(she looks thought-

fully around the

church)

- they all have a lot to be happy

about. Excuse me.

40INSERTS

The faces of four somber statue saints.

MAUDE (v.o.)

An unhappy saint is a contradiction

in terms.

41INT. AT THE CHURCH DOOR

An anxious Harold stands while Maude puts the top back on

his pen. Maude smiles and gestures at a crucifix.

MAUDE:

And why do they keep on about

that? You'd think no one ever

read the end of the story.

She exits grandly with Harold's pen. Harold follows.

42INSERTS

FOUR QUICK CUTS of the saints' faces. They all have

delightfully ridiculous smiles drawn on their faces.

43CLOSEUP - PRIEST

In the same rhythm we have a FIFTH CUT - the returning

priest who is dropped dead by what he sees.

44 EXT. CHURCH STEPS - DAY

MAUDE:

It's a question of emphasis, you

might say. Accentuate the positive,

so to speak.

HAROLD:

Eh, could I have my pen back now,

please?

MAUDE:

Oh, of course. What is your name?

HAROLD:

Harold Chasen.

MAUDE:

How do you do? I am Dame Marjorie

Chardin, but you may call me Maude.

HAROLD:

Nice to meet you.

MAUDE:

Oh, thank you. I think we shall

be great friends, don't you?

Maude takes a great ring of keys from her purse, selects

one of them, and opens the door of the car at the curb.

MAUDE:

Can I drop you anywhere, Harold?

HAROLD:

(quickly)

No, thank you. I have my car.

MAUDE:

Well then, I must be off.

(she gets in)

We shall have to meet again.

She revs up the motor and looks over at Harold.

MAUDE:

Do you dance?

HAROLD:

What?

MAUDE:

Do you sing and dance?

HAROLD:

Eh, no.

MAUDE:

No.

(she smiles)

I thought not.

With a great screech of burning rubber Maude drives down

the street just as the priest comes up to Harold. They

both watch her squeal around the corner.

PRIEST:

(totally mystified)

That woman... She took my car.

45INT. CHASEN DEN - DAY

Harold is sitting in a chair. His mother enters and sits

down at the desk.

MRS. CHASEN

I have here, Harold, the forms sent

out by the National Computer Dating

Service. It seems to me that as

you do not get along with the

daughters of my friends this is the

best way for you to find a

prospective wife.

Harold starts to say something.

MRS. CHASEN

(continuing)

Please, Harold, we have a lot to

do and I have to be at the

hairdresser's at three.

(she looks over

the papers)

The Computer Dating Service

offers you at least three dates

on the initial investment. They

screen out the fat and ugly so

it is obviously a firm of high

standards. I'm sure they can

find you at least one girl who

is compatible. Now first, here

is the personality interview which

you are to fill out and return.

There are fifty questions with

five possible responses to check...

"A - Absolutely Yes, B - Yes,

C - Not sure, D - No, E -

Absolutely No." Are you ready,

Harold?

The first question is "Are you

uncomfortable meeting new people?"

Well, I think that's a "yes."

Don't you agree, Harold? Even an

"Absolutely yes." We'll put down

"A" on that. Now, number two.

"Do you believe it is acceptable

for women to initiate dates with

men?" Well, absolutely. Mark "A"

on that. "Three - Should sex

education be taught outside the

home?" I would say no, wouldn't

you, Harold? Give a "D" there.

Mrs. Chasen continues filling out Harold's questionnaire

without hardly ever even looking over for his reaction.

He sits there, watching.

MRS. CHASEN

"Four - Do you often invite friends

to your home?" Now, you never do,

Harold. Absolutely no. "Five -

Do you enjoy participating in clubs

and social organizations?" You

don't, do you? Absolutely no.

"Six - Do you enjoy spending a lot

of time by yourself?" Absolutely

yes. Mark "A." "Seven - Should

women run for President of the

United States?" I don't see why

not. Absolutely yes. "Eight -

Do you have ups and downs without

obvious reason?" You do, don't

you, Harold? Absolutely yes.

"Nine - Do you remember jokes and

take pleasure in relating them to

others?" You don't, do you, Harold?

Absolutely no. "Ten - Do you

often get the feeling that perhaps

life isn't worth living?" Hmm.

What do you think, Harold?

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