Hatchet

Come on, Pa. We've been

out here over three hours.

I mean, we don't even know

where the hell she went.

She's at least...

a 12-footer

if I ever saw one.

No, I ain't leavin' here

without her.

Man, I'm cold.

Shh.

Shut your hole.

Come on, man.

Can we pull over?

I gotta take

a piss.

Go off the side

of the boat.

Come on.

We ain't beachin' it.

Sh*t.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, come on, man.

I can't go like this.

Why in the hell not?

Well, 'cause it's weird

with you sittin' there

like that.

Just keep it down,

would ya?

See, no matter

what I say,

it's,

"Shut up, Ainsley,"

or, "You're queer,

Ainsley,"

or, "Why can't you be more

like your sister, Ainsley?"

I said shut up,

you little queer.

See?

See that?

A**hole.

What'd you say, boy?

Nothin'.

Now, don't make me throw

you in the swamp, now.

Yeah, you go-

Jesus Christ!

Jesus, son, what happened?

She tried to bite

my sack off!

You let her get away,

you moron!

Well, what the hell

was I supposed to do?

For crying out loud,

can we just pull over,

so I can finish

my damn piss? Lord!

Y'all hurry up now.

Goddamn queer's

gotta squat to take a leak.

Oh, sh*t.

Keep still, Ainsley.

I think she's back.

Well, what should I do?

Don't make a sound.

Stay right there.

Pa?

Did you get her?

Pa?

Maybe we can go home now?

Pa?

Huh?

Pa?

Pa?

Pa?

Come on!

Come and get it,

you b*tch!

I'll kill you!

Oh, God!

It hurts!

Oh, God!

Help me!

I need some beads.

Cheer up, man. This is

Mardi Gras. This is fun.

And I'm having a blast.

Oh, oh, right here, right

here, right here. Look at that.

Oh! Look at those b*obs

right there.

Hey!

Hey.

They're somethin'

new, right?

Haven't you seen

enough b*obs?

I'm just not feelin' this.

I- I shoulda stayed at home.

What, so you could sit in your

room and cry about Heather?

Christine.

Man, man. We came down here

to have a good time.

You? You're fighting it.

There's fun all around you.

Stop standing there

like a b*tch.

How is this fun?

This place is disgusting.

Our hotel room smells

like sweaty balls, man.

Everybody's just drunk

and looking for a fight.

You! You threw up six times

yesterday. How do you even do that?

You guys just stay

and have fun, all right?

I'm gonna go find

something to do.

What, by yourself?

DeWitt and Robinson told me about

this haunted swamp tour thing

that they did last year;

they said it was amazing.

You see all these, like, floating

lights and stuff on the water. Just-

You wanna leave all of this to go

look at some damn lights in a swamp?

You don't have to

come with me, Marcus.

Look, I'll see you guys

back at the hotel.

Cool.

Man, wait up, wait up.

Wait up, man. I'll go-

Marcus, no,

go ahead and-

No, no, no. I'm goin'

with you. It's cool.

Thanks, man.

Buddy, you're gonna be

so psyched you did this.

I think I'd rather

skin my own dick.

Right. It's official.

Here it is.

No more chicks.

They're closed.

No. They can't

be closed.

But indeed they are. There's

a big "Closed" sign and it's-

You're still knocking.

All right, this sucks.

It doesn't suck.

It's gonna be cool.

For you,

'cause you suck.

Shut up!

What do you want?

Uh... we wanted to do

a haunted swamp tour.

I don't do

night tours anymore.

I'm not allowed to.

Okay, it's just that our friends told

us that you did one here last year.

I can't do

night tours anymore.

Insurance got too high...

after what happened.

Too bad. Let's roll.

- W-w-w-w-wait.

Uh, what happened?

Oh, you don't want

to know.

I so do.

Here we go.

I led a tour group

out in the swamp

last Halloween.

It was the midst of night.

Yeah?

And there was this kid

who looked kinda like you.

He got spooked by

something in the marsh.

He saw two eyes staring

at him from the woods.

Chilled him to

his very marrow.

He wanted to get

off the boat in a hurry.

And he had his foot

dangling over the edge.

He-

He fell in?

A gator got him?

What happened?

He slipped,

hit his head

right on the roof,

and sued me for negligence!

That cocksucker!

That's it?

Try Marie Laveau.

- Excuse me?

Two blocks east

on Olive Street.

But you didn't

hear it from me.

I have to go tend

to my birds.

Be careful walking

on the sidewalk.

- Wh-whoa, come on,

man, wait. - What?

It's dead as hell

down there, right?

Fun party...

bad badness.

Wait! Ben,

this is so lame!

How is this gonna help

you get over her?

Marcus, this whole scene

back here, it's just-

Every hot, half-naked chick

I see reminds me of Christine.

Y'know? Probably gettin'

banged by that Bulkowski guy,

in her living room, bent over that

beige loveseat that my mom bought her.

What happened to dating

a normal guy?

That guy's got a neck

the size of a truck.

And that whole cauliflower

ear? That's weird.

What, is he gonna wrestle

her to submission?

All right, stop stop stop, that's it.

- All right, okay.

I don't wanna think about

Bulkowski bangin' your girl anymore.

I don't either.

I get it.

Come on, man, this

is gonna be fun.

Guess there ain't no chicks at

the swamp. Won't be needin' these.

It'll be fun.

'Bout as fun as crabs.

- You would know.

Screw that waitress

from Fezziwig's, man.

You did.

I didn't know she had

bugs in her bush.

She was scratchin'

herself all night.

What do you mean,

you didn't know?

You can't hook up with itchy

chicks, Marcus. Everybody knows that.

She said it was a reaction

to her fabric softener, okay?

All right?

I saw it, I asked.

Fabric softener. Look

at you, mister big shot.

"Everyone knows that. " When's

the last time you got laid?

I have sex all the-

- Shut up.

Ladies.

This is really fun.

- Whoo!

Whoa.

That's good.

Good. Uh...

Uh... um...

Give us a kiss?

Ooh, yes.

Yeah, you love it.

You want it.

You need it.

Oh, damn, I-I gotta

change batteries.

God. Brush

your teeth much?

Lick me, b*tch.

No thanks, I like my tongue

without the syphilis.

You're syphilis,

miss big words.

Okay, that didn't

even make sense.

Lick me.

Misty, Jenna...

you can get along for a

couple more hours, can't ya?

Seriously, Doug? I can't

work with that.

I'm a professional actress.

I went to NYU.

What's so funny?

Like anybody's ever

even heard of that.

New York University?

- Never heard of it.

Girls, girls, nobody ever got

discovered by being difficult, huh?

I mean, I-I-I need you guys

to show me the love, all right?

- Fine. - I need to feel the

passion here, all right?

We're rolling.

All right. I need

to feel the passion.

We're rolling.

All right.

You're sensuous...

You're playful.

You're curious.

Hmm.

You're smitten.

Who's ready to do

some hauntin', huh?

Hahaha. The night will

soon be upon us.

The spirits of the damned

are on the rise.

Let's get our souls

on the move, my friends!

What can I do

you two for?

Do you do

a haunted swamp tour?

Why, I do the only

haunted swamp tour!

Real, live ghosts.

Whoo. Tales of the macabre.

And actual sites that are

still damned by voodoo curses.

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