Hatchet Page #2

I hate you.

Oh!

Leaving right now,

40 bones each.

Forty dollars?

- Yes.

All right.

Will you spot me?

Why? You don't

have any cash?

No, I'm just not paying

for this bullshit.

I know, darling.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi there.

How are you doin'?

Oh, my.

Oh, hey.

You mind if

I sit here?

Be my guest.

Hello.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Uh... so... I guess

I'm sitting here.

I'm Ben.

Marybeth.

Marybeth. That's

a great name.

'Cause it's actually

two names, you know.

Most people just have one,

and that's kinda boring.

Ben.

But Marybeth, it's-

you know, it's Mary

and it's, uh, Beth.

That's a nice coat.

So do you have

any pets or-

Are you enjoying

Mardi Gras?

Yep.

Couldn't find anyone brave enough

to do the ghost tour with you, huh?

Nope.

Right on.

Right on.

Some buddies of mine back

home went on this tour-

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't come on this tour

'cause I was hoping

that just maybe

I'd get to meet you.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to just sit

and stare out this window

and get my $30 worth, okay?

Hey, what the f***?

Okay, folks, I am

your tour guide, Shawn.

Just sit back and get

ready to enjoy-

Uh, dawg? You don't

need that thing.

It's, like, the size

of a Mini Cooper.

Hahaha. See who laughs,

eh, pukai?

Like a Mini Cooper limo,

you know what I mean?

That's what I'm

talkin' about.

I'm-

- I-

Oh, no, you-

- We-

We are so cute

when we do that!

I'm Marcus.

- Jenna.

Hello there.

Jim Permatteo.

And this here's

the missus, Shannon.

How do you do?

Doug Shapiro.

Nice to meet you.

Nice camera.

Makin' a movie?

Yeah.

Well, what do

you know, lovekins?

We've got ourselves

a director over here.

How exciting. What kind

of movie is it?

Well, have you ever heard

of Bayou Beavers?

Sure. No.

- No.

Okay, everyone.

If you take a look

out your right side,

you'll see

the legendary Saint Louis

Cemetery Number One,

uh, founded in

178, uh, 9,

this here's the resting place of

the first black mayor of New Orleans,

Ernest Morial.

It is also believed

to be the burial site

of the infamous

voodoo queen Marie Laveau.

Haha, yes, sir.

Now, y'all notice how we bury

our dead above the ground?

Well, that's because of all the

voodoo curses in the air down here.

The dead have a tendency

to rise out of the dirt,

so we like to keep 'em

cemented in instead.

Shawn, excuse me, but we heard that

the reason you bury them above ground

is because of

the water level.

Oh, no.

- That's right.

The water level is so high that

sometimes things in the ground

will rise back up

to the surface.

No, that's not why.

But we heard-

I said no!

All right,

time's wasting.

Everyone onboard.

Scary bus to scary boat.

Everyone.

- Watch your step, lovekins.

All right, all right,

heh heh heh heh.

Hey there, hey there, all right.

No time- No time for dilly-dallying.

Gotta beat the rush.

That's right.

All right, all right,

comin' through.

Okay, gotta go, gotta go.

Dude.

That's the boat?

Okay, let's, uh,

see something, girls.

Whoo!

Okay, you're silly.

You're tough.

You're cute.

You've got a secret.

Come on, lovekins.

- look like she's old

enough to be in porn-

Oh!

That's it, all aboard.

All right, here we go.

Hey! You there!

Hello!

Mr. Shawn, I think that man's

trying to talk to you.

Oh, no, no, no.

Heh heh.

Hey! Where ya think you're goin'?

What's he saying?

Oh, that guy? Don't mind him.

That's just Jack Cracker.

Jack Cracker?

Yeah, yeah, one of the local

alligator hunters.

Just sits there,

yells things.

Drinks his own piss.

He's, you know,

cracked.

Come on.

This swamp is closed!

Hey! The swamp is-

Victor Crowley!

What's he saying?

Okay, okay, okay, here we go.

Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.

Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.

- Whoo!

Bye, Jack! Bye, Mr. Cracker!

Bye-bye!

You're all gonna die.

Oh, yeah. That's good.

Remember, you don't

need to keep

all your fingers

and toes onboard,

just the ones

you want to keep.

Heh heh heh. That's right.

There's big alligators

in these here waters.

Hey, now, check it out.

Off to the left,

you'll see something you don't

see every day, but I do.

Heh heh. Real live

cypress tress.

Now here, what did the Spanish

moss say to the cypress?

"Mind if I hang around?"

Heh heh heh.

You know, sometimes I'll tell

that joke in espaol.

Hey there, isn't

the cypress the Louisiana state tree?

I bet it sure is.

Yeah, since 1963,

the bald cypress.

Oh, now, only room

for one guide

on this boat now. Heh heh.

Now, we're gonna move

into a part of the swamp

with the scary ghosts, y'all.

I need everyone to be

overenthusiastic,

or you'll wind up

overboard.

Now, here on

the Mississippi Bayou,

hundreds of fishermen and old

pirates have lost their lives.

And if we're lucky, we might

be able to see their souls

floating over the waters

where they up and died.

Now, you all should feel very safe.

- This is beat.

Come on, man, give it

a break. This is fun.

'Bout as fun

as a bag of d*cks.

This is beat as hell.

Only thing scary is

Uncle Remus meets Bruce Lee.

Feel like I'm in Enter the

Song of the South or some sh*t.

What about your

new girlie here, huh?

She all right.

But it's not like I'm pulling

the ass on this stupid boat.

Okay, so lay the groundwork,

set it up for later.

Like you and

what's-her-face?

"That's a nice coat. "

That was classic.

About as classic as-

It's about as classic as-

I got nothin'.

- Exactly.

Now, comin' up, you'll all see a

old house with a barn behind it.

That right there is the home of

a real famous Louisiana legend,

Victor Crowley.

Hatchet Face.

The legend is, is that

he was a deformed man

whose own father

went nuts...

...and whacked him in the

face with a hatchet one night.

Probably on account of he

was so ugly or something.

Anyway, he died.

And so the story goes is that...

...if you're ever near the old

Crowley house late at night,

you'll still hear old Victor

Crowley cryin' for his daddy.

Daddy.

- Y'all hear that?

Hmm.

Daddy!

I done heard it again!

That ain't the story.

That's the gist

of it, anyway.

It's not even the house.

Christ! Would you just

let me do my job?

Y'all try

the crawfish yet?

I'm so psyched

I did this.

- That fade you had

in high school. - What?

It's about as classic

as that fade you had-

Too late.

- What?

You still on classic?

Are y'all ready to see

something really scary?

Huh? Are y'all ready?

Everyone who's ready

say, "Oh, yeah".

Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway.

Here we go.

Okay, folks, I'm gonna shut

the lights off for a second.

Once your eyes adjust, you'll be

able to see some of the ghost lights,

just hovering above the water

over to the right at Kwaj Island.

I don't see anything.

Uh, wait till

your eyes adjust.

They're adjusted, there's

just nothing there.

Hey, can we get those

lights going again?

You're killing all

my camera shots.

Jim, look! I think

I see something.

Oh, that's right.

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