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Hatchet Page #2
I hate you.
Oh!
Leaving right now,
40 bones each.
Forty dollars?
- Yes.
All right.
Will you spot me?
Why? You don't
have any cash?
No, I'm just not paying
for this bullshit.
I know, darling.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi there.
How are you doin'?
Oh, my.
Oh, hey.
You mind if
I sit here?
Be my guest.
Hello.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Uh... so... I guess
I'm sitting here.
I'm Ben.
Marybeth.
Marybeth. That's
a great name.
'Cause it's actually
two names, you know.
Most people just have one,
and that's kinda boring.
Ben.
But Marybeth, it's-
you know, it's Mary
and it's, uh, Beth.
That's a nice coat.
So do you have
any pets or-
Are you enjoying
Mardi Gras?
Yep.
Couldn't find anyone brave enough
to do the ghost tour with you, huh?
Nope.
Right on.
Right on.
Some buddies of mine back
home went on this tour-
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't come on this tour
'cause I was hoping
that just maybe
I'd get to meet you.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to just sit
and stare out this window
and get my $30 worth, okay?
Hey, what the f***?
Okay, folks, I am
your tour guide, Shawn.
Just sit back and get
ready to enjoy-
Uh, dawg? You don't
need that thing.
It's, like, the size
of a Mini Cooper.
Hahaha. See who laughs,
eh, pukai?
Like a Mini Cooper limo,
you know what I mean?
That's what I'm
talkin' about.
I'm-
- I-
Oh, no, you-
- We-
We are so cute
when we do that!
I'm Marcus.
- Jenna.
Hello there.
Jim Permatteo.
And this here's
the missus, Shannon.
How do you do?
Doug Shapiro.
Nice to meet you.
Nice camera.
Makin' a movie?
Yeah.
Well, what do
you know, lovekins?
We've got ourselves
a director over here.
How exciting. What kind
of movie is it?
Well, have you ever heard
of Bayou Beavers?
Sure. No.
- No.
Okay, everyone.
If you take a look
out your right side,
you'll see
Cemetery Number One,
uh, founded in
178, uh, 9,
this here's the resting place of
the first black mayor of New Orleans,
Ernest Morial.
It is also believed
to be the burial site
of the infamous
Haha, yes, sir.
Now, y'all notice how we bury
our dead above the ground?
Well, that's because of all the
voodoo curses in the air down here.
The dead have a tendency
to rise out of the dirt,
so we like to keep 'em
cemented in instead.
Shawn, excuse me, but we heard that
the reason you bury them above ground
is because of
the water level.
Oh, no.
- That's right.
The water level is so high that
sometimes things in the ground
will rise back up
to the surface.
No, that's not why.
But we heard-
I said no!
All right,
time's wasting.
Everyone onboard.
Scary bus to scary boat.
Everyone.
- Watch your step, lovekins.
All right, all right,
heh heh heh heh.
Hey there, hey there, all right.
No time- No time for dilly-dallying.
Gotta beat the rush.
That's right.
All right, all right,
comin' through.
Dude.
That's the boat?
Okay, let's, uh,
see something, girls.
Whoo!
Okay, you're silly.
You're tough.
You're cute.
You've got a secret.
Come on, lovekins.
- look like she's old
enough to be in porn-
Oh!
That's it, all aboard.
All right, here we go.
Hey! You there!
Hello!
Mr. Shawn, I think that man's
trying to talk to you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Heh heh.
Hey! Where ya think you're goin'?
What's he saying?
Oh, that guy? Don't mind him.
That's just Jack Cracker.
Jack Cracker?
Yeah, yeah, one of the local
alligator hunters.
Just sits there,
yells things.
Drinks his own piss.
He's, you know,
cracked.
Come on.
This swamp is closed!
Hey! The swamp is-
Victor Crowley!
What's he saying?
Okay, okay, okay, here we go.
Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.
Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.
- Whoo!
Bye, Jack! Bye, Mr. Cracker!
Bye-bye!
You're all gonna die.
Oh, yeah. That's good.
Remember, you don't
need to keep
all your fingers
and toes onboard,
just the ones
you want to keep.
Heh heh heh. That's right.
There's big alligators
in these here waters.
Hey, now, check it out.
Off to the left,
you'll see something you don't
see every day, but I do.
Heh heh. Real live
cypress tress.
Now here, what did the Spanish
moss say to the cypress?
"Mind if I hang around?"
Heh heh heh.
You know, sometimes I'll tell
that joke in espaol.
Hey there, isn't
the cypress the Louisiana state tree?
I bet it sure is.
Yeah, since 1963,
the bald cypress.
Oh, now, only room
for one guide
on this boat now. Heh heh.
Now, we're gonna move
into a part of the swamp
with the scary ghosts, y'all.
I need everyone to be
overenthusiastic,
or you'll wind up
overboard.
Now, here on
the Mississippi Bayou,
hundreds of fishermen and old
pirates have lost their lives.
And if we're lucky, we might
be able to see their souls
floating over the waters
where they up and died.
Now, you all should feel very safe.
- This is beat.
Come on, man, give it
a break. This is fun.
'Bout as fun
as a bag of d*cks.
This is beat as hell.
Feel like I'm in Enter the
Song of the South or some sh*t.
What about your
new girlie here, huh?
She all right.
But it's not like I'm pulling
the ass on this stupid boat.
Okay, so lay the groundwork,
set it up for later.
Like you and
what's-her-face?
"That's a nice coat. "
That was classic.
About as classic as-
I got nothin'.
- Exactly.
Now, comin' up, you'll all see a
old house with a barn behind it.
That right there is the home of
a real famous Louisiana legend,
Victor Crowley.
Hatchet Face.
The legend is, is that
he was a deformed man
whose own father
went nuts...
...and whacked him in the
face with a hatchet one night.
Probably on account of he
was so ugly or something.
Anyway, he died.
And so the story goes is that...
...if you're ever near the old
Crowley house late at night,
you'll still hear old Victor
Crowley cryin' for his daddy.
Daddy.
- Y'all hear that?
Hmm.
Daddy!
I done heard it again!
That ain't the story.
That's the gist
of it, anyway.
It's not even the house.
Christ! Would you just
let me do my job?
Y'all try
the crawfish yet?
I'm so psyched
I did this.
- That fade you had
in high school. - What?
It's about as classic
as that fade you had-
Too late.
- What?
You still on classic?
Are y'all ready to see
something really scary?
Huh? Are y'all ready?
Everyone who's ready
say, "Oh, yeah".
Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway.
Here we go.
Okay, folks, I'm gonna shut
the lights off for a second.
Once your eyes adjust, you'll be
able to see some of the ghost lights,
over to the right at Kwaj Island.
I don't see anything.
Uh, wait till
your eyes adjust.
They're adjusted, there's
just nothing there.
Hey, can we get those
lights going again?
You're killing all
my camera shots.
Jim, look! I think
I see something.
Oh, that's right.
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"Hatchet" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/hatchet_9675>.
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