Hatchet Page #5

My mama always said

that sometimes,

if a person dies

all traumatic-like,

then their spirit can get kind of

just stuck in the night they died.

Like

a poltergeist?

Like a ghost that can

physically move things?

No, like a ghost who can

rip someone to pieces

right in front of you.

I just wanna get

the hell out of here.

You know what,

Jackie Tucker?

Your tour sucks my ass.

What did you just call me?

You heard me.

Say it again!

I'll say it all night, you

fake Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker,

"I think I hear a little Emeril,"

you confused wanna-be-

Why don't you just get

off my case, a**hole?

It was an accident,

for Christ's sake!

Okay, look.

I'm going to be completely and

totally honest with you guys.

I, like-

Ooh, sh*t!

- What? What?

Ah!

Marcus, come on!

Come on!

Hey, come on!

Sh*t!

Stop. Stop, stop, stop,

stop, stop, stop.

This isn't my fault,

all right?

Oh, really?

- Yes, really!

What, you think

I actually believe

these stupid, lame-ass

ghost stories?

Well,

I'm believing it now!

Did you see that sh*t back there?

- Guys! Guys.

I bet this means

Shapiro was here.

What a genius.

You do know the vibrator goes in

your cooch and not your ear, right?

Hey, why don't you suck

your dad off again, b*tch?

I will right after

you're done.

Fine.

- Good.

All right,

anybody got a lighter?

What are you doing?

I'll show you.

Looking for this.

What else do we got here?

"Samuel M. Barrett?"

What's that?

Shapiro.

It's his driver's license.

What?

- I don't know.

Credit card:

Samuel M. Barrett,

ten bucks, condom,

business car-

We got two sets here.

Samuel M. Barrett, Whitman

Diagnostics Senior Marketing Manager.

Doug Shapiro,

Producer/Director.

That a**hole!

I flew all the way down here

from New York, and he-

Ugh!

So he really didn't

work for Bayou Beavers?

I'm thinking no.

Dude must pretend

he's a producer

to get his own

little collection.

Good idea.

That pervert.

Why are all men

such slime?

I can't believe

I've fallen for that sh*t

three times now.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Anyone else have

anymore secrets?

Because if I find out

someone else is lying,

I swear

I'll kill you myself.

I didn't really go to NYU.

It was my first choice,

but I didn't get in.

So I went to Hofstra.

We don't have

time for this.

I was moving to Hollywood

next month to be famous.

And now I'm going to die

with all you a**holes!

Look, we shot him,

all right?

Nobody's going to die.

Ah! Oh!

Will somebody

shut her up?

He's still alive.

No, man, he looks

dead as sh*t.

Not him...

Crowley.

Okay, you only shot him,

like, once, right?

Maybe you gotta

shoot him more times.

Like, I don't know,

four or six times.

Maybe you gotta shoot him,

like, six times!

I wanna keep moving!

Can we please keep moving?

I don't want to stay here!

We should stick to where

we can see the river,

so we won't get more lost.

Shh.

Did y'all hear that?

- What?

It's over here.

What is that?

My cell phone!

# I don't wanna wait #

# For our lives to be over #

# I want to know

right now- #

We have a signal.

Oh, God.

- No, no, no.

It's a good thing.

We can call for help.

No!

Sh*t, we just went

in a huge circle!

I thought you knew

your way around here.

Oh, said the f***ing

tour guide.

Hey, I don't want to hit you,

but you're making it-

Shut the fu-

Okay, I'm gonna go check out that

barn, see if there's a weapon.

There's gotta be something

else to fight back with.

No, you can't go back

to that house.

I only have a few shots left.

We need something else.

What if it comes back?

We don't have much time.

All-

Stay here.

Cool.

- Cool.

Do you have signal

on that thing?

Come on.

Go through.

We shouldn't stay here.

We gotta keep moving.

Look, if it was ringing,

it has to work.

Ew! Scott Barnes called me?

What? Will you just dial?

It won't let me.

Work, God damn it.

I think he ate these things.

Aah!

Shh, shh, shh!

What? What?

It's my daddy and my brother.

No...

Are you sure

the number is 911?

What else would it be,

dumbass?

Well, how should I know

if it's the cell?

Maybe you have to type in

a different area code.

Oh, God.

What?

Don't move.

I said-

Sorry.

I think we should run.

What if it's a person

and they need help?

We'll apologize later.

I think there's

a kid in there.

You're crazy.

If it was that monster,

we'd already be dead.

Screw this.

What is that?

Aw, hell, no.

I'm not walking

over there.

What if someone's hurt?

If they're still alive,

they're doing a lot better

than some people we know.

We just can't leave

someone out here to die.

Look who grew a conscience.

Look, they might need help.

Why me?

Because you have

a flashlight.

Fine. I get it.

I see how it is.

Let the brotha do it, huh?

I'm a man.

I'll walk over here.

I'm the man of the group

anyway, because I whooped you.

All right.

Oh, sh*t! Oh!

Don't touch me, man!

Damn. All right.

See if it's a little

baby in there.

Hey, baby.

You up in here?

Oh, man, it's just a stup-

Ahh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Give me-

No...

No! Please!

Wait, wait. No.

No, wait, wait, wait-

Die, you motherf***er!

Raahr!

Aah!

No!

Ow! Sh*t! Ow!

I think we're losing him.

Ow! Hold on!

- No-

I can't run!

You have to!

- What are you doing? Come on!

Shut up,

you redneck twat!

Uh!

You... hit me!

Yeah, and if you

don't shut up,

I'm going to kick

your teeth out.

You cruel, stupid, slutty-

Guys, we don't

have time for this!

I just want to make it stop.

Please, I just want

to wake up.

We have to keep moving

away from that house.

It don't matter.

This is his swamp.

He's just going

to kill us all.

There's gotta be something

that we can do.

He is trapped in the night

that he was killed.

He's angry,

and he is scared.

He's gonna mutilate

anyone that comes near him.

What if he's human?

What if he never really died?

That thing

was never human.

Oh, sh*t.

Guys, battery's not

gonna last much longer.

All right.

Let's go, let's go!

Which way?

- Um...

That way.

- Raahr!

Uhh!

Stop! Stop, guys!

Guys, stop!

This is useless.

He's just going

to keep coming for us

until we're all dead.

We can't stop running.

What else

are we going to do?

We can hurt him,

ghost or not.

Look, you saw

how fast he fell

when I stuck him

back there.

He went down

when you shot him.

I'm saying we fight back.

How?

Missy, you got

that lighter on you?

Oh, you want to fight

that monster with my lighter?

Look, there were some

gas canisters back at the shed.

Were they full?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Wait, you want to go

back to the shed?

I thought the further we got

from the house, the safer we get.

If we don't kill him,

he'll kill us all.

You're crazy!

Man, you don't even know

if there's gas in those cans.

I know it's a better

chance than we have

running around in these woods,

getting picked off one by one.

No, you're right.

Everything is soaked.

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