Haunted Honeymoon Page #2

If Larry should die, you can all share the money

equally, just as it was before.

Francis, you're the only living person

that knows I've changed my will.

If you ever tell anyone

may your soul rot in hell.

What a cosy place for a wedding.

Who lived here before? Count Dracula?

- Will you lay off that? I grew up here.

- No wonder you turned out so normal.

- Hey, hey.

- Sorry. Must be delightful by daylight.

- Run for it, sweetie. I'll get the bags.

- OK.

Go on, honey, knock on the door.

I'll be right there.

I'm... I'm engaged to Larry Abbot

and he... said he grew up here.

Oh, you know... He...

He was just... You know him, he says he...

Maybe I'm at the wrong house.

I can come back, thank you.

Sorry, honey.

Oh, I see you've already met.

I am Pfister, the family butler.

And I'm the little boy you used

to tuck into bed...

and bring milk and cookies to

just before you kissed me good night.

- Your name, please?

- My name?

- Is he kidding?

- Come in, Mr Kidding. I'll take the bags.

Won't you follow me, please?

- Poor Pfister, his memory's going.

- I wish we were.

This way, please.

- Holy smokes. You grew up in this place?

- I learned to ride a bike in this room.

- He gives me the willies.

- Be nice to him. He seems strange but he isn't.

- What'll I talk about?

- Talk about a minute, that'll be enough.

Be very careful

of that magnificent vase on the landing.

There are only three like it

in the entire world.

Oh, what kind is it?

Twenty-five past seven.

- A little hard of hearing...

- What?

- A little hard of hearing. It comes and goes.

- What?

My fiance, she's a little hard of hearing.

- Come and goes, eh?

- Yes.

I'll remember that.

This way, miss!

This is gonna be some weekend.

Toby! Toby, shush!

Who is it? Who's there?

What? Pfister!

Why are these windows still open?

Do I have to do everything? Drunken sot!

Hold your horses! Where's Pfister?

Where is he? Oh, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Who are you? What do you want?

This is just for the family. I don't know you.

Why are you looking at me?

What do you want? Are you selling something?

Oh, please, forgive me.

Is there any way I can help you, sir?

I'm Montego. My wife is Susan Abbot.

She should be here any moment.

I came from Philadelphia by train.

I believe the family's expecting me.

Won't you come in?

- Have you got any luggage, sir?

- Just this one case.

Oh, it's a large one, isn't it?

Would you like me to...?

I prefer to handle it myself, thank you.

Now if anything frightens you,

anything at all, you just holler.

- I'll be right down the hall, OK?

- OK.

Just practising.

I love you, cookie.

- See you in 20 minutes.

- OK.

Da-da-da

- Master Larry!

- Pfister, you do remember me.

- Of course. When did you get here?

- About 15 minutes ago.

If I'd known, I'd have greeted you.

Yes, that would have been nice.

Well, we can't have everything.

- Come along, you're in your old room.

- Oh, good.

- So what do you think, honey?

- Wow, what a snazzy little nook.

Rachel, Rachel,

you're a sight for sore eyes, baby.

Oh, Rachel...

- She usually plants a big, wet one on me.

- I do not!

She must be shy.

Rachel, I'd like you to meet a very old friend

of mine from school, Sylvia Beecham.

Pleased to meet you, Rachel.

Rachel, you look wonderful.

Not a day over seventy...

- three? Four? Seventy-five... Six. Oh, Rachel.

- You need a haircut.

Oh, same old Rachel.

Love you, baby, love you.

- Where's Larry?

- He's upstairs.

Come on, I'll take you

on the grand tour, huh?

Rachel, did you get the note

about the connecting rooms?

- What? What's that?

- I knew that would get to her.

If you don't mind me saying,

your uncle Francis is a strange man.

You're telling me.

He scared me to death as a kid.

- Is he still married?

- Widower.

- Widower than what?

- What do you mean?

- You said he was widower.

- He is.

Widower than what?

What?

He isn't widower than anything.

- He's just a "wittle" man?

- That's right.

That's all I was asking.

I see.

Well, the old room

looks just about the same.

Nothing's changed since you left, sir.

- Rachel still cleaning up?

- Never stops, sir.

- I'd like to see Aunt Kate before dinner.

- I beg your pardon, sir.

Your Aunt Kate has just

concluded some business

and asked to be excused

until the family assemble downstairs.

Ah... OK.

Well, it's lovely

to see you again, Pfister.

It's lovelier to see you, sir.

Ah.

Holy baloney, here we go again.

Coming, darling.

Coming, Larry.

- Did you hear it, too?

- It's my fianc.

Hello, I'm Larry's uncle.

- Hello.

- Hello, how are you?

- Fine.

- Can I help you?

I'm sure it's nothing.

He's just been nervous about the wedding.

Look, why don't I go in with you?

Larry?

Honey? Where are you?

Larry?

Don't be afraid. The lightning's all gone.

He can't just have vanished.

- Larry?

- Don't move. You're risking your lives.

Don't even raise your voices.

There's a deadly snake in that closet.

Call the zoo. Ask them

if they're missing a seven-foot cobra.

- Larry, I don't think...

- Don't argue.

- Hey, steady!

- Honey...

Larry, I'll take a look in the closet.

No, no, listen to me. Call the zoo.

- Where'd you see the snake?

- In the top drawer.

I know my cobras.

You'll be dead within seconds.

Is this your snake?

By the way, Uncle Francis, I'd like you

to meet my fiance, Vickie Pearle.

Vickie, this is my...

Uncle Francis.

- Your mommy and daddy are right next door.

- Makes it more exciting.

But supposing they walk in and see us,

how would I look?

Like a million bucks.

Charlie, why do you reduce everything

to money?

Because I don't have any.

- But I'd be happy if you only had 100 dollars.

- So would I.

Listen, I can't take much more of this.

Either marry me, or let's call it quits.

I can't afford to marry you. Not yet.

And don't threaten me, honey.

- I need a little more time.

- I may not wait around, Charlie.

Did you hear me, Charlie?

I said I may not wait around.

We'll talk about it at the end of the week.

What? Drinking! Don't think I didn't see you.

You'd better be sober tonight

or you don't get into my bed.

See who's at the door. Hurry!

Do I have to do everything? Drunken sot!

- Hello, Pfister.

- Ma'am.

- Boy, it's cold out there. Everyone here?

- You're the last one, Miss Susan.

Hello, Toby. What's the matter?

Aren't you going to say hello?

Come on, boy.

Say hello to Aunt Susan.

You remember me, don't you? Good boy.

I know you love me.

- I'll have a whisky and soda.

- Certainly.

- Is my husband upstairs?

- Yes, Miss Susan.

There's a bag in the car.

You can get it later.

Very well.

- Larry, wow! Come to mama.

- Sylvia.

Oh, darling!

- What are you doing here?

- Can't speak now. See you later.

- Honey, I was just coming to get you.

- Am I glad to see you.

- Yikes. Who's been kissing you?

- Oh, Rachel.

- Who's Rachel?

- Pfister's wife. She went crazy.

She was so happy she started kissing me.

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