Hayride Page #4

about focusing on their career,

working hard to get ahead. I tell you what... you find the right woman...

And you'll spend the rest of

your life trying to make her happy.

I got you.

Rest of your money, too, probably.

No, no, no. No, look.

I'm dead-serious.

I got it. I got it.

You know, you're getting all

emotional in your old age.

It's kind of freaking me out.

You know, you and Corey are

all I got, you know, to carry on...

My legacy.

You know, which one of you two

is more suited to take

the emotional crap, you think?

That's a good point.

You know, I love Corey to

death, but I won't trust him

with a f***ing hammer.

Don't. I made that mistake.

All right.

So, uh, who's playing pitchfork?

Pitchfork?

Oh, uh, are you a-a rider or a worker?

Yeah. I think you're a rider.

Man, this is bullshit.

You scared?

He didn't make it this far.

If you're scared, just say you're scared...

scared of hobos and

hepatitis, um... lurkers.

Yeah, I'm a little scared. Oh, come on.

Let's just go check the house.

As if we haven't talked to enough country people today. - Oh, you like talking to these

folks. -Oh, yeah. I do.

And ... sh*t. Let's do it.

Okay. Now I'm scared. - Yeah. It's getting interesting.

Thanks. That's reassuring.

I'm clear.

Clear. - I'm going upstairs. - Good. Have fun.

Hey, man.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, come look at this.

I need you to come look at something real quick.

It's a bunch of dead animals.

Like...

Like maybe our boy's been eating them or something. - What?!

Some freak's been f***ing eating them. Just come look.

Sh*t!

Could you make out what they were saying? - No.

They were walking a line right through here.

They checked in at lunch.

They were near Harlow, right?

Yeah. This is outside our perimeter.

Does anybody live out this way?

I don't think so.

Look, we need to get a

roadblock block going into,

um... let's see... Brandon, right here.

And I need you to get a team north of Harlow, okay? - You got it.

So what's out here?

Just river, as far as I know.

So what is this?

County woods, a dump... what?

Haven't been out there in years.

Let's go find out.

All right, all right! Hayride! Hayride! Right? Whoo! Yeah!

We're about to roll this thing out,

aren't we, huh?

All right.

Look, a couple of ground rules, all right?

The first few rides through,

it's just gonna be kids and

their parents, so, guys, look,

we want to keep it clean for

them, right?

I'm not shitting you!

Keep it clean!

All right? You.

And as the night rolls on,

We can gradually ... we can

Gradually what, girls?

Together:
Turn up the heat,

Captain Morgan!

Now, gradually, though, right, girls? Right?

Corey?

I need you guys to, uh,

communicate with me throughout the ride.

I got a lot of ground to cover, okay?

That's true. That's true.

If you need relief or a light goes out

or something, radio

Corey immediately, all right?

There's gonna be a 30-minute break

right before the madness ride.

That's just to regroup, go over our plans.

Oh, and, uh, hate to say it ...

No improv-ing this year, all right?

I know we had a lot of fun with it

over the years, but our

routine is tight now.

If we stay with the routine,

I think that's gonna work best for us, all right?

So remember ... everyone has a

good time, no one gets hurt.

So, let's rock these

people's live and give them the show

of their lives, all right?!

Yeah, baby! All right!

All right, guys.

Come on. Everybody, bring it in.

Come on, everybody. Give me... somebody, bring it in.

Dick.

A**holes!

Hey, where are the other riders?

Ooh!

Aaaah!

Aaaah! Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Somebody help me!

Well, that's our cue. Go get the truck. - What?! I'm not getting it.

Why not? It's your turn.

The hell it is.

I went last time.

You didn't!

Dude, I went last time, and

it's really far.

Shh. Boo-f***ing-hoo, dude. It's your turn.

Paper, rock, scissors.

No. You can do it, or I can kick you

in the balls and then you can do it.

I just love our time together.

I got bad news. Truck's dead. So, just go ahead and head up

the dirt path up there and wait

inside the old barn.

Ohhh!

Hey, guys, we're gonna need

another truck up here.

This one's shot.

All right. Come on, guys. Stay together.

They're out. Go get it. Geez!

Dude, what the hell is that?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

All right. The second group is on foot and headed toward the haunted house.

Morgan? Is that you?

Whoa! My god! Holy sh*t! Man!

Oh, man! You can't do me like that.

Killer mask, man. Whew.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Should have known to look here. - What do you mean?

It's like some places just

attract trouble.

Still not following. What? Did something happen here?

This place attracts death

like flies to sh*t.

Police!

Clear left! - Clear right!

F***ing help me!!

No!

There's a legend around here that a farmer killed his family... just snapped one day

and started killing.

Never found him.

Is it true?

I do not know if "true" is the

right word, but something happened.

You just don't know what, right?

Well, I don't know what

really happened and what people

just made up, but I know there's

a reason people don't come around here anymore.

When I was in high school, group of kids went missing... big search, family hysterical,

cops coming around the school

asking questions.

Well, they found two of them up here.

The boy evidently stabbed the

girlfriend to death, then

torched her car.

Did they catch him?

He was in the car, too.

Nice.

Local people swear...

Old pitchfork did it.

Pitchfork?

- What's that smell? - Shh.

Officer down! Officer down! - Wincer! Wincer!!

Holy sh*t.

Jesus Christ.

- Where the hell is everybody?! - Come on!

It's those dang teenagers.

That's what it is every year.

Half the volunteers are gone.

Where the f*** is Mickey?

Now, look, look, we still got

a good crowd out there.

We got to do this.

We're gonna have to improvise.

Uh... Steven, you want to give Corey a hand?

Sure thing.

What about you, Amanda?

You want to be the girl to be yanked off the truck?

Uh... yeah, sure.

Who's doing the yanking? Okay.

Awesome. All right.

Everybody else know what they're doing?

Okay.

Look, we need to call in

every man off that roadblock...

get them here right now.

Look, if they're south of

Harlow, we need to get them north of Harlow.

This f***er's close by, cuz.

All right, guys.

You know what you need to do.

Let's do it.

Let's bring him in.

Let's do it.

All right, we're gonna start

this thing, uh, about an hour later than usual.

I mean, please

don't run off, like those other

potheads.

Now, I'll call "places."

We go to places.

I'll sound the horn when we roll

All right?

Let's go.

Are you sure you're okay riding by yourself? - Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay.

It's, uh, less scary if you're

in on it, right?

Okay. Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay.

Go. Go. Bye.

Ohh! Jesus Christ!

Just stay with me, man.

So Amanda's hot. - Thanks, man. - I mean, at first I was like,

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