Head of the Family

Now you got

to understand Billy boy better

play nice with the merchandise.

You tell him I'm going to weigh

it on my own f***ing scale.

You short me again, I'm

going to break his other arm.

Sure, Howard,

yeah, I'll tell him.

And you f*** up Weasel, I'm

going to break your arm, too.

Howie, I know.

All right.

Now go on and get out of here.

Get.

Oh, Susie sometimes I feel

like a big old turd

in a small toilet.

Never makes you happy, honey.

And you, go easy on

that ice cream, huh.

You're starting to get all

poochy around the middle.

Geez Louise Howard,

it's f***ing ass milk.

Yeah, well it come out of

a cow and it make you fat.

Give a sh*t what you call it.

Hey, here comes the Stackpools.

Rosaries.

Hello Rey, Rey.

Fill that out for the

Stackpools, will you.

How are you doing, Ernestina?

You all go with Rey,

he'll take care of you.

See you around, Ernestina.

That is without question the

most fuckable young lady I ever

seen outside a magazine.

Hell, don't bother me,

she's a retard.

Well, the way I hear it,

the only way

to get Ernestina is go

to her brother Otis.

You don't think I'd

take on the big dummy?

Oh, hell no.

I just want to be

around when you do it.

Yeah, I will.

Already got me a

sweet little chicken

and you know how I feel

about-- what's that word?

F***ing?

No, watch your

mouth, the other one

where you don't be

sleeping around?

Fidelity?

Yeah, that's it.

Like on the high fi's--

high fidelity, yeah,

that's what I go for.

What a man with a brain,

pardon moi Howard but I'm going

to go to the ladies room.

And why don't you just talk

up, let everybody know about it.

You see what I got

to put up with.

[ Noise ]

Susie, watch the register.

I got to get some fries

from the basement.

But we got plenty--

Susie, don't mind

the inventory,

just watch the register.

[ Noise ]

Dammit, we ain't got

no time for foreplay.

Smart woman.

See you soon,

Ernestina, one day, cupcake.

Say it, baby, say it.

Call me Scarlet.

Say it Scarlet.

You're 10 times

the man Howard is.

And?

Howard's got a little

dick, you're the real man.

He can't satisfy me.

And?

Oh, Howard's a p*ssy.

Yeah. Then why the hell

did you married him, Lorretta?

Scarlet.

Scarlet, why did

you do it, huh?

He's a wasn't he?

All right, well, now

I'm baby.

Ride your little baby lance.

Whoa!

I've never known

a woman who takes

so damn much time in the toilet.

I swear that woman's got a

bladder the size of acorn.

[ Noise ]

Oh, Lorretta, come on.

Hey, Lorretta, you down there?

Sh*t, Howard's coming.

Oh, so am I.

Lorretta, you in there?

[ Noise ]

Lorretta, you down here or what?

Hey, Lorretta you down here?

Yeah, Howard

she's in the employee bathroom

right in there.

Lorretta, are you in there?

What do you want?

What do you doing in there?

Toilet in the

ladies room is busted,

what do you think I'm doing?

Well, whatever you're doing,

hurry it up, we got to go.

Okay, I'm out,

you're happy now?

Yeah, just f***ing overjoyed.

Come on.

Lance, Lance,

Howard has to see you.

Howard.

Has to see you.

Well, what exactly

did he say?

He said, "Go get

Lance, bring him over here

and move your poochy buns."

Did he seem upset?

I can't say that he did

but then he never does.

Oh, shoot.

Lance, it ain't that part

at the back of the restaurant,

not much of a headstart

if you get my drift.

Okay, Lorretta, okay.

We'll just play it cool.

Cool, right, cucumber.

Compress the bolt string

while holding the front

and flush.

F*** off, friggin' bolt strings.

Well, Lance in the pants,

Lance, and look at this thing.

Try to save some money,

it's a f***ing waste

of man's time buying

the thing in pieces.

You have to assemble it

yourself, save a couple.

Sh*t. Well, sit your ass down.

Right, sure, Howard.

Lance, you know what

I've been thinking.

Well, I know Howard.

I--

Lorretta, what you

doing standing there?

You serving tables around here?

No, I just wanted to--

Wanted to do the park your

mushy old butt down there next

to Lancy so you got no

cooties, have you Lance?

No, not that I think.

Lance, I'm going to

make this short and sweet.

Kind of like Lorretta

here except she ain't

so sure, really.

Okay, now Howard, I don't

know what you've been hearing.

Hearing?

About what?

Nothing.

You don't know what I've

been hearing about nothing?

What the hell are

you talking about?

Not-- I mean, sh*t, Howard.

You know, I don't have a clue on

what the hell I'm talking about.

And you know what I think,

you need to take it easy.

You're looking poorly,

ain't that right, Lorretta?

Yeah, looks like

he's got the flu.

Flu? What the f***ing

flu got to do with it, huh?

You need to get yourself

out of here.

Go get yourself laid

once in a blue moon.

Hell, you got no

natural charm but--

sh*t, even a little

shrimp with that ratty,

old beard like yours can at

least pay for it once in awhile.

And that's where I come in.

I'm sorry, what?

That's what I want

to talk to you about.

And how much you

make in this place?

Say in a week or something?

Well, I don't know,

it kind of depends.

I figure about--

A grand a week?

Huh, no, I don't

have that much.

I bet you want to know why.

Why?

Because you spread

yourself too thin.

That's why you're all pale and

kind of sickly-ugly-looking.

But here I am, I'm going

to save your skinny ass.

Oh, gee, Howard, actually--

Oh Lancy pantsy, what you

need is partner, you know.

Someone to kind of ease

a strain and I look

into diversify, you

know what I mean?

It means--

It means that I

share the burden,

I'll be your partner,

shared share alike.

You know, I guess you

still have to be doing most

of the day to day stuff.

Partners.

Well sure, I mean

I've been partner

up with businesses

all over town.

I did jewelry down

to hardware store,

Ben Buffle's Wash-O-Rama.

I'm becoming a regular--

what's that word?

Shake-down artist?

Oh, Lorretta, if I didn't

love that big old behind

of yours so much, I'd pack you

on your worst f***ing nightmare.

Entrepreneur is the

f***ing word, entrepreneur.

So now I'm going to come

here and bring my talents

to bear right here

chopping stuff

and how is that for good news?

Actually, Howard--

No, no, no need to

thank me, it's my pleasure,

and don't worry about

no paper work either.

Whenever you get it done,

we just back date it

to right now.

[laughs]

Hallelujah.

I see, just little--

what that word?

Brains?

No, persistence-- I tell

you something Lorretta,

you going to need serious

attitude adjustment.

Sometime I envy the

single white boy.

On the house, partner.

[laughs]

What you waiting on?

F***ing invitation from

the Queen of England?

More like the

Duke of the Dumb.

Come on chubby cheeks.

What are you looking at?

A grave waiting to be filled.

No, I don't know what

you're talking about.

I'm talking about

somebody plowing some Oates,

Lorretta Oates to be precise.

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