Heartburn

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi. Can I sit here?

Where were you?

I couldn't get up.

It's so hot in here.

Please be seated.

Dearly beloved...

Richard, on the other side,

two rows back, next to the hat.

- Where?

- Don't look in an obvious way, OK?

A friend of Karen and Tom will now

read from the Letter to the Corinthians.

That's Mark Forman.

He writes a column in Washington.

Is he single?

He's famous for it.

Very single.

"Love is long-suffering and kind.

"Love does not envy. Love does not

make a vain display of itself

"and does not boast.

Does not behave itself unseemly.

"Bears all things, believes all things,

"hopes all things, endures all things.

"Love never fails.

"And now abide faith, hope, love.

"These three,

but the greatest of these...

"...is love."

Two white wines, please.

Thank you.

I'm Mark Forman.

Rachel Samstat.

I saw you on Meet The Press.

I read your article about ice-cream.

I disagree with you about

Hagen-Dazs Rum Raisin.

What can I say?

- You were so vicious about it.

- I'm a vicious person.

That's what I hear.

Next time you have one of those

food contests down at the magazine,

I'd like to be a judge. I really would.

I'll come up from Washington for it.

Meanwhile...

...how would you like to go

someplace and have a drink?

I have to go tell someone

that I'm leaving.

- You here with a date?

- No. My friend. An editor.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Sorry.

Here.

I'm gonna go have a drink with him.

Fine.

My wife's name was Kimberley.

One of the very first Kimberleys.

My husband had hamsters.

- Me too.

- Not as a grown-up, you didn't.

He had hamsters

named Arnold and Shirley.

And he was always whipping up little

salads for them in the Slice-O-Matic

and buying them

extremely small sweaters

at a pet boutique in Rego Park.

Also, there was a certain amount

of talking in squeaky voices.

Both of you?

Well, he was Arnold...

...and I was Shirley.

My sister always used to try

to get me to have one.

A nose job.

I love your nose.

Well, it goes with my face.

I always say that, but it isn't true.

You say you love her.

You can remember her love for you.

What happened so far?

She was decapitated

in a dreadful automobile accident.

That was the exact problem

her boyfriend was working on

at the laboratory.

So he carried the head back

in a towel that he had in the car.

And she wakes up on a tray and says,

"Where am I?

"Oh, no, don't tell me.

"I've been in an awful accident

and lost my arms and legs."

And he says,

"Worse than that, I'm afraid."

This is great.

So you just go in the kitchen

at four in the morning...

- Oh, sure.

- And you come back out with this.

This is the best spaghetti carbonara

I've ever had.

You're making fun of me.

You probably think it's very bourgeois

to cook for somebody on the first date.

You probably think

I do this for everybody.

Rachel, I love this.

When we're married,

I want this once a week.

I'm never getting married again.

I don't believe in marriage.

Neither do I.

Does your sister behave like this

at all her weddings?

- She's never done this before.

- No?

Let me go see.

Thank you. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

- Get her already.

- I will, Daddy.

Rachel, everybody's waiting.

I don't know what to tell them.

I don't know, Eleanor. I don't know.

Mom and Dad were a disaster.

Charlie and I were a disaster.

Everybody... except for you two.

How long have you and Harvey

been married?

- Twelve years.

- And it's a wonderful marriage, isn't it?

It's OK.

- The secret is wax paper.

- Wax paper?

You butter the wax paper

on both sides.

Then add the chicken just as

you would a normal casserole.

- Filleted, of course?

- Of course. And not a trace of skin.

Oh, no, never, never.

Fifty per cent of all marriages

end in divorce.

Not second marriages.

Forty per cent of all second marriages

end in divorce.

You can't even get a decent bagel

in Washington DC.

I'll send them to you Federal Express.

Thank you.

Julie and Arthur Siegel. We met

in Washington. Mark's oldest friends.

I hope we're not disturbing you.

No, no, come in.

Rachel, we don't know you very well,

but we know Mark.

20 years. For 20 years

he's been terrible to women.

Lying, cheating...

Bringing them to our house for lunch

then leaving them there, vanishing.

- Until you.

- You're the only person

he's ever treated decently.

Your mother would've loved him.

Yeah.

But she was crazy.

That's true.

Add about four cups of heavy cream.

- And begin boiling.

- Cream and shallots.

- Cream and shallots.

- So simple, so far.

OK, it is done

in approximately 20 minutes.

You want me to marry him, don't you?

I don't want you to do anything.

That is such a lie.

All you therapists want is for us

to get married and have babies.

It's the closest

you ever get to a cure.

I'm just trying to understand why you

don't wanna marry somebody you love.

Because it doesn't work.

Marriage doesn't work.

You know what works? Divorce.

Divorce is only a temporary solution.

Let's be sensible. We're happy now.

If we get married, we'll ruin everything.

The minute you get married,

you start to drive each other crazy.

It'll never happen with us.

Why not?

Because you already drive me crazy.

I love you.

I have to trust you.

Do you know where your shoes are?

Do you know?

I do.

I know everything about you.

And it's just the beginning.

Made it, huh?

We are here today to celebrate

the marriage of Rachel and Mark

and their commitment

to a life together.

Do you, Mark, have this woman

to be your wife,

to love her, honour her,

cherish her in joy and in sorrow

for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Rachel, have this man

to be your husband,

to love him, honour him,

cherish him in joy and in sorrow

for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

I, Mark Louis Forman, take you,

Rachel Louise Samstat,

to be my wife,

to have and to hold,

to love and to cherish

from this day forward,

until death part... part us.

With this ring, I wed thee.

I, Rachel Louise Samstat,

take you, Mark Louis Forman,

to be my husband,

to love and to cherish,

to have and to hold,

from this day forward,

until death shall part us.

With this ring, I thee wed.

As Mark and Rachel

have decided to marry

and have promised to be loving

and faithful to each other

through all the circumstances

life may bring,

have exchanged rings

as a token of that pledge,

I declare that they are

husband and wife.

- I love you.

- I love you.

Gorgeous little tree.

- Oh, this white one?

- Yes.

- No, no.

- What? Which one?

- The...

- Oh, the sold one.

Needs a little work. OK?

Oh, well, we got a good price on it

because they had a sort of a fire.

Thank you.

And this...

...is...

...why we bought the place.

It's the... It's the original fireplace.

What do you think?

Yeah, you have to use

your imagination.

It's going to be beautiful.

Not necessarily in your lifetime.

It's just that there's no door

to the kitchen.

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