Heartburn Page #2

The back door.

The back door.

Yes.

It's true.

You can get into the kitchen...

...through the back door.

This, we know is a kitchen.

But you can't get inside the house

from in the kitchen!

Now, how the f***

did this happen?!

Mark. For God's sake.

Laszlo, we thought that

you could put a door here.

She's a piece of cake.

- He's a piece of cake.

- It's a piece of cake.

- You are Hungarian?

- No. You are Hungarian.

- Yes.

- Yes. Hungarians have no pronouns.

Apparently, they don't have

f***ing doors, either.

She is very angry at me.

He is very angry at you. Yes.

- Why aren't you angry at him?

- It's only a door, honey.

It will be extra, yes?

Why don't we just hire

another contractor?

Forget about the money

and just hire someone else.

That's just what I was thinking.

In China they have to eat

this sh*t every day.

Nobody's making you eat it. They're

serving dinner at this stupid party.

What are you so upset about?

There's just dust everywhere.

Look at it.

There's dust in my pores.

- It's not funny.

- Yes, it is.

Well, I told you that you shouldn't

hire him. I mean, it's not my fault.

Look, obviously he is never

going to come back and finish the job.

I've tried all week to find someone new.

It's not that easy. You try it.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

Oh, yeah, I just can't read every day.

I'm awfully pleased to hear you say that.

- He's just so modest.

- Oh, I am modest.

No, I... I think sometimes people...

...worry about the rich man.

You have to worry about the little man.

...people from Mississippi

and Alabama, they tend to...

...and he does not believe

they will get the bill through committee.

Really?

- Really?

- Yeah, they're gonna have a...

...M3.

- What's M3?

It sounds like a missile,

is what it sounds like.

We try to determine what policy

we should take in the situation

- in which we find ourselves.

- I'm not denying that.

- It was such fun, May.

- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you, it was wonderful.

- Good night.

They talked over me

as if I wasn't even there.

Blah-blah-blah,

investment tax credits.

Blah-blah-blah,

the oil depletion allowance.

If you read something

other than the style section,

you might find it interesting.

I'll call Laszlo when we get home.

I'm gonna try him one more time.

All you'll get is the machine.

Yes, Laszlo, it's Rachel.

Rachel Samstat.

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Well, I'm fine, thank you.

Don't be so f***ing nice.

Where the f*** have you been?

My God.

I'm real... I'm sorry.

Yes, of course I understand.

Oh, God, well, I...

I hope you feel better.

Well, don't...

You know, only if you're up to it.

Don't push things.

You know, whenever you can.

OK. Bye.

What the f*** was that?

- He has cancer.

- Bullshit.

- Mark.

- It's bullshit!

- People don't lie about things like that.

- Contractors lie about everything.

- What'd he say, "I have cancer"?

- Exactly.

Well, he probably meant

that "he" has cancer.

- Who?

- How do I know? Someone.

I don't know. His father.

His father's dead.

We'll go over to his house,

have a look at him.

If he looks OK, I'll kill him.

He has an unlisted address.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, well, it's the latest thing.

What kind of person

has an unlisted address?

I'll tell you what kind of person.

The kind that doesn't want to be dead.

The kind people are trying

to kill all the time.

- Why are you angry at me for?

- I'm not angry at you.

Then what are you shouting at me for?

Because you're the only one that's here.

I hate it when you get angry.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm not angry at you.

I love you.

I'm not angry at you.

We can't have a baby in this.

It'll have asthma before it's a month old.

Well, we'll just have to wait

till we finish the house to have a baby.

If this is your way of telling me

that we've got less than nine months

to finish this renovation,

it's a really weird way of doing it.

Well, we...

We're having a baby. I think.

I think we're having a baby.

- We're having a baby.

- Yeah.

Oh, baby.

Thank you.

Let's...

Let's sing...

...all the songs we know

about babies.

I don't know any songs about babies.

Yes, sir

That's my baby

No, sir, I don't mean maybe

Yes, sir

That's my baby now

Oh, baby, you

Nobody but you

I don't know the rest.

Is you is, or is you ain't my baby?

I really can't stay

But, baby, it's cold outside

I really have to go

But, baby, it's cold outside

This evening has been

- So happy that you dropped...

- So nice

Look out the window at the storm

Bill.

My boy Bill

I will see that he's named after me

I will

My boy Bill will be tall

And as tough as a tree

Will Bill

Like a tree he'll grow

With his head held high

And his feet planted firm

On the ground

And you won't see nobody

Dare to try

To toss him or boss him around

No baggy-eyed

Beer-bellied bully

Will boss him around

I don't give a damn what he does

As long as he does what he likes

He can sit on his tail

And hammer a nail

With a hammer

Hammering spikes

The other thing

The river, do something with the river.

With a hammer

Hammering spikes

Wait a minute.

What if he is a girl?

She's gotta be sheltered

And fed and dressed in the best

That money can buy

I never knew how to make money

But I'll try, by God, I'll try

I'll go out and make it

Or steal it

Or take it

Or I'll

Die

Die

A baby? She's gonna have a baby!

A girl baby.

Oh, no kissing. No kissing in group.

- What are you gonna call it?

- Her, it's a her.

I'm sorry. Her, OK?

- What goes with Forman?

- Oh, no last names in group.

- We're thinking of Ann.

- Ann? Just Ann?

- What's wrong with Ann?

- I like Ann.

- Where'd you get the ring?

- What? This?

Mark gave me this

when I got pregnant.

- Oh, my God.

- I thought you said

- you weren't gonna have a baby.

- Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

Vera's happy, even if you're not, Diana.

I'm happy.

Really, I am. I am.

Veronica Lake.

- Janet Leigh.

- Oh, Arthur, don't you think

- Janet Leigh's a little obvious?

- Don't pay any attention to them, Julie.

- Honey, you didn't start yet, did you?

- No, I waited for you.

- All right? All right. This is for the hall.

- OK.

And this is for the nursery.

What do you think?

- I love this.

- What do you call this colour?

- Taupe.

- Do you think we'll get tired of it?

Taupe? Never. Taupe.

What can I say?

I've always been terrible with colours.

It comes from having grown up

with the single-row box of crayons,

instead of the big box.

If I had had the big box, I would

now know taupe and cerise and ecru.

- Instead, all I know is burnt sienna.

- I think there's a column in this.

- Oh, God.

- Forman, every time I say something,

it ends up in your column.

- You can have it if you want it.

- It's mine. I said it.

I get to say, "You can have

it if you want it", not you.

- Well, do you want it or not?

- Yes.

Well, what're you gonna do with it?

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