Heartburn Page #3

Write it up in some law review?

He doesn't have to do anything with it.

- Hi, honey.

- Hey.

I don't know if you need this or...

Where'd you find arugula

in Washington, Betty?

Oh, I only had to drive 15 miles for it.

- Hey, how are you?

- Oh, God. Wonderful.

Oh, I'll tell you who.

Rita Hayworth.

The peerless Rita, yes.

Ava Gardner.

- Ann Blyth.

- Ann Blyth?

What can I tell you?

I've always had a thing for Ann Blyth.

- All right.

- We give up.

Senator Toffler and Vicki Huddleston.

- No kidding.

- Really?

How do you know that?

Parked in the Hamburger Hamlet

parking lot.

In Georgetown?

- Bethesda.

- No sh*t.

I knew something was wrong,

because about a month ago

I sat next to him at dinner,

and he asked me what I thought

- the resale value of his house was.

- Mark.

I said, "Mr Senator,

I am a television journalist.

- "I'm not a real estate broker."

- Mark, I think something's happening.

- Rachel.

- Are you OK?

- Time to go to the hospital.

- She's having the baby.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah.

- Got the bag?

- It's a...

- Can I give you a ride?

- The bag's in the car.

- Put the lamb on for 20 minutes.

- What?

Baste it once, turn it over

and cook it for 20 more minutes.

Just keep breathing. You can do it.

I don't want to do it, honey.

Can't we get somebody else to do it?

You're doing fine.

Give me a break.

The baby's in some distress.

It's possible there's a problem

with the umbilical cord.

I'm keeping an eye on it.

In distress?

If it looks serious,

we can do a Caesarean.

We can have the baby out

in two minutes.

- Hold on.

- Is the baby gonna die?

Let's do it.

Get Anaesthesia and Paediatrics.

- We're gonna do a crash section.

- Mark.

Yeah, I'm here.

Take it easy, nurse.

We're almost there.

Count backwards from 100, Rachel.

I'm here, babe.

One hundred.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-eight.

Ninety-s... seven.

No pictures, OK?

Is that our baby?

Let me see.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, Petunia

I sing to you

I sing to you

And the baby Petunia too

I sing to you

About your sweetness

And your beet-red face

And your little no-teethness

And your little hands

She's cranky.

Without no gloves

I sing to you of all our love

Behave, peanut.

Oh, God.

I love our life.

I love how it just goes along, you know.

Pork chops again and,

"Do we owe the Richardsons?" and...

- Where are my socks?

- And, "Where are my socks?", right.

- Where are my socks?

- They're in your sock drawer.

Got four socks in my sock drawer,

and none of them match.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

- Hello, hello, baby.

- Here's your funny daddy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Well...

- See?

- Well, I mean, that... Yeah.

Whoops.

I must've took two of those.

I just...

I never expected to love it so much.

You know?

Nobody tells you.

Nobody prepares you for what happens.

I mean, you get born, too.

A whole part of you

that you didn't know you had.

I mean, suddenly you have

all this love to give and...

It's almost as if you expand.

- You should be writing about this.

- Oh, God, Richard.

You don't have to write about everything.

You'll wind up doing yourself a favour.

Just keep a tape recorder around

- and talk into it every so often.

- Oh, sure.

Right. This is Rachel Samstat,

food writer,

and I'm here mixing Gerber's

Rice Cereal and Applesauce.

Do it soon because

after this one's born

you won't have time

to write a postcard.

"Presently, Kep opened

the door of the shed

"and let out Jemima Puddle-Duck.

"Unfortunately, the puppies rushed in

and gobbled up all the eggs

"before he could stop them.

"Jemima Puddle-Duck

was escorted home in tears

"on account of those eggs."

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- Good morning, Juanita.

- What a day.

"She laid some more in June

"and she was permitted to keep them

herself, but only four of them hatched.

"Jemima Puddle-Duck said that

it was because of her nerves.

"But she had always been a bad sitter."

What a story.

I've...

I've got a lunch up on the Hill

and then I'm gonna go shopping.

- What for?

- Socks.

Hello, this is Rachel Samstat.

Well, obviously it's me.

I mean, who else could it be?

It's my tape recorder.

And it's May 16th, and I'm here

in the kitchen with Annie.

Why don't you say something

to the folks back home, Annie.

What?

A word? Oh, my God. I got it on tape!

Oh, you big...

Julie's idea of romance, OK?

I'll tell you. You ready?

She's got this flannel nightgown

that she puts on.

It's got this stuff across the top.

What is it?

- Ricrac.

- Ricrac, exactly. Right.

- And these bedroom slippers...

- With bunnies on them.

Right. So she puts on the nightgown

and the slippers,

and she gets into bed on Monday night

with the magazines

- and a bowl of lima beans, right?

- Yes, yes.

Hi, darling. Bye.

And now, Arthur's idea of romance

is Venice, gondolas...

- Gondolas.

- Oh, oh, yes, of course.

I love my flannel nightgown.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Who knew West Virginia

was so beautiful?

I think we should take

this place every summer.

- Definitely.

- Mark goes into town,

goes to the dentist. He conducts

his search for the perfect pair of socks.

He comes home and says,

"What've you been doing?"

And I say, "Oh, not much, you know.

Today we found a frog."

Here's a riddle for you.

There's 200 million people in America.

A hundred million of them are men.

They lose four socks a year,

conservatively.

I lose ten myself.

That's 400 million missing socks.

Missing forever. Where are they?

Nobody ever sees them again.

You'd think you'd run into one

of them every once in a while.

They're in heaven.

You die, go to heaven,

and they give you this big box

with all your missing socks

and mufflers in it.

And you get to spend eternity

sorting it out.

And why is there only one shoe left

in the road? Where is the other shoe?

Why is the cold water

in the bathroom always colder

than the cold water in the kitchen?

- Mark, for God's sake.

- What?

It's not even lunch

and you rip the leg off the chicken?

Are you planning on photographing it?

Oh, come on.

You don't even like dark meat.

Well, I won't have any lunch, OK?

Just subtract it from my share, OK?

This isn't your mother's house,

where you do something like that

and everybody thinks it's cute.

If it's not my mother's house, then why

are you talking to me like I'm your kid?

Come on, guys.

Bellinis.

- That's...

- Whoops. Sorry.

- Just like in Venice.

- Thank you.

Toast?

To marriage.

To friendship.

- OK. Is everybody ready?

- Ready.

Arthur, you go first.

- "Jewish."

- You put "Jewish" first?

Julie, try to control yourself. It's my list.

- "Jewish. Married."

- Thank you.

"Lawyer. Father."

Hungry. Thank God.

OK. OK, this is me.

"Unemployed."

"Mother. Good-natured.

- "Shiksa. Sister."

- What about "married"?

- That's the shiksa part.

- Arthur, it's her list.

"Yugoslav. Capitalist. Tan.

Tall. 188 pounds."

Dmitri, it's not supposed to be like

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