Heartburn Page #4

a driver's licence. It's who you are.

- I am p*ssy-whipped.

- That is such a lie. It is.

All right.

"Television interviewer.

Blonde. Living with Dmitri."

- Right.

- Yeah, for now.

"Friend. Texan."

- "Pregnant."

- No.

"Wife and mother. Writer. Happy."

- Thelma.

- Betty, hello.

- Hi. Jonathan.

- Oh, please don't get up.

We saw each other

at the Swedish Embassy?

- I think you're right.

- Hi.

- Rachel. Hello, Mark.

- Have a wonderful dinner.

- Good night.

- Nice to see you.

- Thelma Rice is having an affair.

- No.

- With who?

- I don't know.

- Oh, come on.

- With someone.

This is what I know.

It shouldn't be difficult to figure out.

It has to be someone taller than she is,

which rules out

practically everybody.

Maybe it's one of

the Washington Bullets.

How do you know this?

She's talking about buying a condo

and staying in Washington

if Jonathan is sent to Bangladesh.

Now, obviously,

she's having an affair with someone.

Maybe Senator Campbell.

He's been talking about condos too.

- Senators always talk about condos.

- This is true. Who else could it be?

You know, I don't know how anybody

gets anything going in this town.

Nobody even flirts here.

Jonathan is not being

sent to Bangladesh.

Why not?

Because we still care about Bangladesh.

Mark, your turn.

"Columnist. In love. Married. Father.

"Shortstop."

Choked on that first one, didn't you?

- Hi.

- Hi. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thelma Rice had her legs waxed.

For the first time. Need I say more?

He's in love with someone else.

Hold still. He comes over last night

and he drops it on me.

He's in love with someone else

- but still wants to be friends.

- This just happened?

- Last night?

- Hold still.

I says, "I don't wanna be friends

with you."

He says, "Why not?" I says,

"Because you're a real shithead.

- "That's why."

- Don't do too much...

I'll do one side. If you don't like it,

we'll take it down.

You know what he says to me?

"You mean you're not even

gonna cut my hair any more?"

He falls in love with someone else

while going with me,

and he actually thinks

I'm gonna go on cutting his hair.

I can't believe I didn't figure it out.

He kept dropping one clue

after another, right into my lap.

He has to go jogging.

He has to go and do errands

that take four times

longer than it'd take

a genuinely subnormal person

to do them.

Last week, he calls me up

at ten in the evening and he says,

"I'm calling to say good night.

I'm going to bed early.

"I'm gonna turn off the phone.

"I wanted you to know in case

you called and there was no answer."

And do you know what I said to him?

"Good night, honey."

Anyone can see it, and I'm saying,

"Good night, honey, sleep tight.

"Don't let the bedbugs bite."

You didn't. "Don't let the bedbugs bite"?

I did.

- Did you know about this?

- No, of course not, Mary Beth.

You and I are the only two people

in America

who did not know about it.

His friends knew. His mother knew.

- The doorman.

- Mary Beth, I...

- That's not too much, is it?

- No.

I have to go. I just realised something.

I just remembered.

- But I think I left something.

- When are you gonna be back?

I have to see if I'm right.

As soon as I know if I'm right...

- I'll be back.

- Well, how long's it gonna take you?

I don't know.

Just give Annie her supper.

I have to go through some things.

- At least until Mark gets home.

- He be home soon, I'm sure.

He say he go out to buy socks.

Oh, my...

Hi. I know I'm late.

I'll be ready in ten minutes.

- Well, look who's here.

- Daddy say... how!

For me, huh? For me?

I can't wear this.

I have to wear something else.

Having a shower, darling?

We'll be late.

I know about you and Thelma Rice.

- I know everything. It's all here.

- Sh*t.

You didn't even hide the evidence.

You just threw it in a drawer.

- Hotels. Motels.

- Oh, sh*t.

You couldn't even pay cash

like a normal philanderer.

You charged everything.

I mean, look at this.

Look at all these flowers

that you bought her!

And you occasionally brought me

home a bunch of wilted zinnias.

How can you do this?

If I'm such a b*tch, then tell me!

But don't do this. We have a baby, Mark.

We have another baby coming.

- Don't you even care about them?

- Of course I care.

Do you love her?

I can't do this.

I can't do this right now.

Please, don't let this be happening.

Please, just don't let this be happening.

Why can't we go back to the way

it was? I promise I'll be the way I was.

There's just no point in...

Need that, too.

Come on.

I'm not gonna pack this, sweetheart.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Where is he?

Mom, where's Daddy?

Where's my father? Do you know?

I just clean, honey.

Della, do you ever...?

I mean, would you...?

I have errands to do

in the next couple of days

and I was just wondering if you would...

I have to...

My husband, you know,

the one I married at the wedding?

I left him.

Here.

He's been seeing someone very tall.

Someone that I know, not very well,

but I mean,

I've never had lunch with her.

But when I asked him about it,

he said, "Yes."

And he didn't exactly say, "Yes",

but that was the idea.

I'll stay with the baby.

Thank you.

- Wave bye-bye to Mommy. Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye. Wave bye-bye. I love you.

- Mommy.

If anybody calls... If my husband calls,

just tell him I'm out.

- Bye-bye.

- Mommy.

- Rachel? Rachel. Hi.

- Judith.

How are you?

What are you doing in town?

- Oh, God.

- Aren't you about to have the baby?

Judith...

...my mother died.

Oh, Rachel.

Are you all right?

- Yes.

- I thought she died a few years ago.

Well, almost, but then,

you know, she didn't.

Rachel...

...I went through this.

I have to tell you.

You may not realise this now,

but your mother dying...

I'm not saying it's a blessing,

but on some level it frees you.

It's not the worst thing that can happen.

I know, Judith.

Are you free?

- So I left him.

- No. Just like that?

A person does something like that,

you can't stay with him.

No, no. Well, I don't know.

I mean, people do. It's just...

Are you sure you don't want

to give him a little time?

Absolutely not. I am here

because I am through with him

and I would like

to come back to work. Period.

I'm back. I'm gonna be living here

again and I need my job.

Any time. You know that.

I would've said something to you

when you left, but,

"If it doesn't work,

you can have your job back"

is not what you say to someone

who's getting married, so...

- Thanks, Richard.

- Sure.

You never really liked him,

did you?

I'm not gonna get into that trap.

You'll go back to him

and hold it against me.

I am never going back with him. Never.

Do you want to have dinner tonight?

Oh, I couldn't. Mark might...

I'm sure that he will turn up,

and I'll have to see him

and finalise the separation.

Make him face the fact that it's over.

- But if he doesn't turn up...

- He'll turn up. He'll turn up.

This is very difficult for him.

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