Heathers

FADE IN:

EXT. SAWYER'S BACKYARD--DAWN

Elegiac music murmurs as three female and barefoot PAIRS OF

LEGS in skirts break from tableau to gently engage in Croquet.

A blue mallet hits a blue ball through a wicket, a green

mallet knocks a green ball, and a yellow mallet pushes forward

a yellow ball, all in enticing syncopation.

Suddenly a red ball rockets through the dew covered grass and

hits the green ball. The LEGS all stop moving as a FOURTH PAIR

OF LEGS, this one in stylish shoes and stockings, marches to

the red ball and steps on it. A red mallet is brought down

hard on the red ball causing the adjacent green ball to

thunder out of view. The Pair of Legs manuevering the green

ball departs. This process of elimination is grimly

repeated with the yellow ball and yet again with the blue

ball.

However, when the BLUE MALLETED PLAYER makes her sad exit,

the viewer's viewpoint glides along with this particular Pair

of Legs. A red ball whizzes by. The Legs stop. Another red

ball malevolently sails past the Legs. Then yet another red

ball. A fourth red ball makes brutal contact with the Legs

causing the Player to fall to her knees and into the frame. The

Player is VERONICA SAWYER.

INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--DAY

VERONICA SAWYER, a sullen seventeen year old beauty, lies atop

her bed dressed in a chic but understated ensemble, her eyes

glazed open in a morning reverie. She blows up at her bangs

then slides off her bed, launching into voice-over narration

over the empty bed.

VERONICA (V.O.)

Heather told me she teaches people

Real Life.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY--DAY

Continuing her narration, VERONICA glides through a bustling

high school hallway with a frozen smile.

VERONICA (V.O.)

She said Real Life sucks Losers dry.

If you want to f*** with the eagles,

you have to learn to fly.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CAFETERIA--DAY

With her back turned to the viewer, VERONICA stands at the

outskirts of the cafeteria entrance. The viewer's viewpoint

approaches and finally curls around VERONICA to reveal that

she is writing in a diary, wearing a monocle.

VERONICA (V.O.)

I said so you teach people how to

spread their wings and fly. She

said Yes.

THE DIARY PAGE:

VERONICA'S pen sways across the diary page forming the words

echoed by her voice-over.

VERONICA (V.O.)

I said You're Beautiful.

A sudden off-screen bark from HEATHER MCNAMARA causes the pen

to recklessly rocket across the written words.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)

God, come on Veronica!

VERONICA coolly pops the monocle from her eye before angrily

addressing the amusingly robust, conventionally beautiful,

trendily coiffed HEATHER MCNAMARA.

VERONICA:

What's your damage, Heather? You

ruined my...

HEATHER MCNAMARA

God, I'm so sure. Don't blame me,

blame Heather. She told me to haul

your ass into the caf pronto. Back

me up, Heather.

From behind HEATHER MCNAMARA emerges a similarly trendily

accessorized but noticeably more inhibited waif, HEATHER DUKE.

She is clutching a tattered copy of "The Catcher in the Rye."

HEATHER DUKE:

Yeah, she really wants to talk to you.

VERONICA:

Okay, I'm going, I'm going. Jesus...

INT. INSIDE THE CAFETERIA--DAY

VERONICA, flanked by HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE,

strides into the lunchroom pandemonium.

The stunning HEATHER CHANDLER turns from the tray before her

toward her incoming comrades. She is dressed stylishly and

expensively but not trendily; her hair, dramatically tied

back.

VERONICA:

(submissively)

Hello, Heather.

Pulling out a crumpled piece of yellow paper, HEATHER

CHANDLER smiles. The content of what Heather says is

consistently offensive but the tone in which she speaks

is sexy, dangerous, and mysterious. She is a mythic b*tch.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Veronica. Finally. Got a paper of

Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge

a hot and horny but realistically

low-key note in Kurt's handwriting

and we'll slip it into Martha

Dumptruck's lunch tray.

VERONICA:

Sh*t, Heather. I don't have anything

against Martha Dunnstock.

HEATHER CHANDLER

You don't have anything for her

either. Come on, it'll be Very. The

note'll give her shower nozzle

masturbation material for weeks.

VERONICA:

I'll think about it.

HEATHER CHANDLER

(looking off)

Don't think.

POV ON CAFETERIA LINE

Unattractive and quite overweight, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK

guiltily plops two jellos on her tray and clunks forward in

line.

CAFETERIA ENTRANCE

VERONICA's arm, seemingly involuntary, latches onto the

outstretched pen.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Splendid. I'll dictate. Veronica

needs something to write on.

Heather, bend over.

Both HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE bend over. HEATHER

CHANDLER violently laughs.

HEATHER CHANDLER

How nice. Two a**holes: no waiting.

HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE stand erect, embarrassed.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Heather Duke, back down.

VERONICA scurries to the contorting HEATHER DUKE.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Dear Martha, you're so sweet..

THE JOCKS' TABLE

The traditionally handsome KURT KELLY and the massive RAM sit

with other typical Jocks taking in VERONICA and the HEATHERS.

KURT:

It'd be so righteous to be in a

Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler

sandwich. Punch it in, Ram.

KURT and RAM raise their right arms and slam their fists

together.

RAM:

Hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on

my Johnson and just start spinning

her like a f***ing pinwheel.

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