Heathers Page #3

And your worst enemy.

Same difference.

What are we going to tell the cops?

"F*** it if she can't take a joke, Sarge."

Cops.

I can't believe this is my life.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have to send

my SAT scores

to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

All right, just a little freaked, here.

At least you got what you wanted.

Got what I wanted?

It's one thing to want

somebody out of your life,

it's another thing to serve them

a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

All right, we did a murder

and that's a crime,

but if this were like

a suicide thing, you know?

Like a suicide thing?

Yeah, yeah.

You can do Heather's handwriting

as well as your own, right?

Right?

- Yeah.

- All right.

You might think what I've done is shocking?

Yeah.

Um...

to me, though,

suicide is the natural answer

to the myriad of problems

life has given me.

That's good but Heather

would never use the word myriad.

This is the last thing she'll ever write,

she'll want to use

as many 50-cent words as possible.

She missed myriad

on the vocab test two weeks ago.

That only proves my point more.

The word is a badge

for her failures at school.

Oh. OK, you're probably right.

People think just because

you're beautiful and popular,

life is easy and fun.

- Yeah.

- Uh...

no one understood I had feelings too.

I die knowing no one knew the real me.

That's good.

Have you done this before?

Any other principal

would take the same position -

keep things business as usual.

Heather Chandler's

not your everyday suicide.

- She was very popular.

- If I let these kids out before lunch,

the switchboard would light up

like a Christmas tree.

I was impressed that she made proper use

of the word myriad in her suicide note.

I find it profoundly disturbing

that we're told of

the tragic destruction of youth

and all we can think to talk about

is adequate mourning times

and misused vocabulary words.

Oh, Christ!

We must revel in this revealing moment.

Look, I suggest that

we get everybody together,

both students and teachers, in the cafeteria

and just talk and feel...

together.

Thank you, Ms Fleming.

You call me when the shuttle lands.

Now, is this Heather the cheerleader?

That would be Heather McNamara.

Damn. I'd be willing to go half a day

for a cheerleader.

God, it's unfair. It's just so unfair.

We should get off a whole week,

not just an hour.

Write the school board.

Watch it, you might be digesting food.

- Yeah, where is your urge to purge?

- F*** it.

Look...

Heather left behind one of her Swatches.

She'd want you to have it, Veronica.

She always said

you couldn't accessorise for sh*t.

Sorry to hear about your friend.

I thought she was your usual airhead b*tch.

Guess I was wrong.

We all were.

What a waste.

Oh, the humanity.

Veronica?

Veronica, what are you doing?

I'm just so thrilled...

to finally have an example

of the profound sensitivity of

which a human animal is capable.

That example is Heather Chandler.

I have her note.

Whoo!

I'm gonna pass this note around the class

so you can all feel

its pathetic beauty for yourself.

And while we do this,

I think it's a good opportunity to share...

the feelings that this suicide

has spurred in all of us.

Now, who would like to begin?

I heard it was really gnarly.

She sucked down a bowl of

multi-purpose deodorising disinfectant

and then smash!

Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report,

let's talk emotions.

Um, Heather and I used to go out

but she said I was boring.

But now I realise I really wasn't boring...

it's just that she was

dissatisfied with her life.

That's... very good, Peter.

Are we going to be tested on this?

'We were the same size

'so we could borrow

each other's clothes, mix it up. It was fun.'

"I remember I won her

a rhino at the 4-H Club... '

You're an a**hole. Mute him.

- 'We liked the same clothes... '

- How many networks did you run to?

'It won't be the same without her.'

What are you talking about?

You hated her. She hated you.

'Every English class

I looked forward to seeing her... '

Heather Chandler

is more popular than ever now.

- Scary stuff.

- Yeah.

Hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.

Hey, Dad, how was work today?

It was miserable.

Some damn tribe of withered old b*tches

doesn't want us to terminate

that fleabag hotel.

All because Glen Miller and his band

once took a sh*t there.

Just like Kansas.

You remember f***ing Kansas?

That was the one with the wheat, right?

Yeah. Save the Memorial Oak Tree Society.

Showed those fucks.

30 of those 4th of July fireworks

attached to the trunk.

Arraigned but acquitted.

Gosh, Pop,

I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

Oh. Veronica, this is my dad.

Dad, Veronica.

Hi.

Son, why don't you ask

your little friend to stay for dinner?

I can't. My mom's making

my favourite meal tonight -

spaghetti, lots of oregano.

How nice.

The last time I saw my mom

she was waving from

a library window in Texas. Right, Dad?

Right...

son.

Right.

Take a break, Veronica. Sit down.

So what was the first day

after Heather's suicide like?

Well, it was OK, I guess.

Terrible thing.

So, will we get to meet

this dark horse prom contender?

Maybe.

God, will somebody tell me

why I smoke these things?

Because you're an idiot.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

You two...

Great pt but I have to motor

if want to be ready for that funeral.

I blame not Heather

but rather a society

that tells its youth

that the answers can be found

in the MTV video games.

We must pray that the other

teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio,

know the name of that righteous dude

who can solve their problems.

It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

Amen.

'O God, this is a tragic thing

'and sometimes

I have a hard time dealing with it.

'Please send Heather to heaven.'

'Dear God, please make sure

this never happens to me,

'I don't think I can handle suicide.

'Early acceptance into an Ivy League school

and please let it be Harvard. Amen.'

'Jesus God in heaven,

why did you kill such hot snatch?

'It's a joke, man.

Jeez, people are so serious.

'Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,

'pray for all us sinners

so we don't get caught.

'Another joke, man.'

'I prayed for the death of

Heather Chandler many times.

'I felt bad every time I did it

but I kept doing it.

'Now I know you understood everything.

'Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.'

'Hi. I'm sorry.

'Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler,

but, hey, who am I trying to kid, right?

'I just want my high school

to be a nice place.

'Amen.

'Did that sound bitchy? '

Veronica, what are you doing tonight?

I don't know. Mourning.

Maybe watch some TV. Why?

Well, Ram asked me out tonight...

but he wants to double with Kurt...

and Kurt doesn't have a date.

Heather, I have something going with JD.

Please, Veronica.

Put Billy the Kid on hold tonight.

I'll be your best friend.

So we on tonight, man, or what?

I don't know.

I still got to talk to Heather, dude.

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