Heathers Page #4

Weird funeral, huh?

That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

- Let's kick his ass.

- Cool off.

- We're seniors.

- Goddamn geek!

Ah, well. Sit and spin.

That little prick.

You piece of sh*t fag.

You like to suck big d*cks?

- Cut it out.

- Say, "I like to suck big d*cks."

Leave him alone, Ram.

Say it.

Say it!

OK, OK.

You like to suck big d*cks.

I like to suck big d*cks.

I can't get enough of 'em.

Are you satisfied?

Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately,

consoling me and stuff.

It'll be really very. Promise.

OK. Just as long as

it won't be one of those nights

where they get shitfaced

and take us to a pasture to tip cows.

- Is it sleeping, dude?

- I think so, man.

Shh!

Come here.

Oh, sh*t. Cow tipping is the f***ing greatest!

Punch it in.

Sh*t. On the count of three, guy.

One...

two... three!

When I get that feeling,

I need sexual healing.

Yeah, right, a**hole.

What is this sh*t?

Doing a favour for Heather. Double date.

I tried to tell you at the funeral

but you rode off.

Another f***ing Heather.

I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little superior tonight.

Seven schools in seven states

and the only thing different

is my locker combination.

Our love is god. Let's go get a slushie.

I'm not belittling the foodless fund, Peter,

but we're talking teen suicide here.

The number one song in America today

is Teenage Suicide Don't Do It by Big Fun.

Westerburg finally got one of these things

and I'm not gonna blow it.

So Heather gets the front page and

I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

Hi, guys, I came to check up

on this week's lunch-time poll topic.

Don't worry about it, Veronica.

Sit down, huh?

That funeral yesterday

must have really been rough, huh?

Oh, yeah.

We were wondering if you had any poems,

artwork that Heather did

that we can put in

the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

The what?

Look, it's a two-page layout with

her suicide note right up here in the corner.

It's more tasteful than it sounds.

I don't know, Dennis,

this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Like last night, Veronica?

Excuse me? I don't get it.

You did last night.

Kurt told us of your little date.

Yeah, and? I left him drunk

and flailing in cow sh*t.

Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.

- Shh.

- Shut up, Courtney.

No, don't shut up.

I'd like to know exactly what I did.

Come on, Veronica.

I'll show you the lunch-time poll topic.

What the f***?

I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly

but he said that he and Ram

had a nice little sword fight

in your mouth last night.

Ew! That son of a b*tch.

Hi, Kurt?

Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.

I didn't expect to be calling, either.

I guess my emotions took over.

I was wondering if you wanted those things

you've been saying to really happen.

It's always been a fantasy of mine

to have two guys at once.

Oh, sure, you can write to Penthouse forum.

Yeah, in the woods behind the school.

At dawn.

Don't forget Ram.

Why am I writing a suicide note when we're

just going to be shooting them with blanks?

We're not gonna be using blanks this time.

You can't be serious.

I am.

Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Do you take German?

French.

All right. These are echt Luger bullets.

My grandfather snared

a shitload of them back in WWII.

They're like tranquillisers,

only they break the skin's surface enough

to cause blood but no real damage.

So it looks like

the person's been shot and killed

and really they're just

unconscious and bleeding?

Right.

See, we shoot Kurt and Ram,

make it look like they shot each other

and by the time they regain consciousness,

they'll be the laughing stock of the school.

The note's the punch line.

How'd that turn out?

First tell me the similarity is not incredible.

It's incredible similarity.

OK. Ahem.

"Ram and I died the day we realised

"we could never reveal our forbidden love

to an uncaring and un-understanding world.

"The joy we shared in each other's arms

was greater than any touchdown,

"yet we were forced to live the lie

"of sexist, beer-guzzling, jock a**holes."

That's perfect.

Let's take a look at some

of the homosexual artefacts

I dug up to plant at the scene.

All right. An issue of Stud Puppy.

That's great!

A candy dish, a Joan Crawford postcard.

Good.

Some mascara.

All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing

I picked up -

mineral water.

Come on, a lot of people

drink mineral water. It's come a long way.

Yeah, but this is Ohio.

If you don't have a brewski in your hand,

you might as well be wearing a dress.

Oh, you're so smart.

Hi, Veronica.

Hi, guys.

Glad you could make it.

So should I just whip it out or...

Well, I've made a circle

on each side of the clearing.

Ram, you come over here.

Kurt.

When you get to the circle, strip.

What about you?

I was hoping you could

rip my clothes off me, sport.

Good idea.

OK. Count of three, guys.

One...

two...

Three!

You missed him completely?

It was worth it just to see the look...

Don't move. I'll get him back.

Ha!

- No.

- Now!

- Hey, I heard it that time.

- What?

Another gunshot from the woods.

Oh, sh*t. Let's roll!

Kurt doesn't look too good.

Just remember he's left-handed.

Keep going until you hit the clearing.

Come on.

- Mother of sh*t!

- Call in.

Hey, I heard something out there.

I'm checking it out.

This is Officer McCord.

I've got two dead bodies in the woods

behind Westerburg High.

'Milner, can you hear me?

What's going down? '

Yeah... I think what I heard

was just a bunny rabbit.

All I've got here is two kids

making out in a station wagon.

'Should I pry them apart? '

No. Forget it.

I got all the answers back here.

Hey...

are they naked?

Yeah, so what's the deal?

Suicide. Double suicide.

They shot each other.

Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.

Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.

Phew. My God, suicide. Why?

Does this answer your question?

Oh, man. They were fags.

Listen up. "We realised we could never

reveal our forbidden love

"to an uncaring

and un-understanding world."

Jesus H Christ!

The quarterback buggering the linebacker.

What a waste.

Oh, the humanity.

So we killed them, didn't we?

Yeah. Of course.

Echt Luger bullets. I'm such an idiot.

Look, you believed it

because you wanted to believe it.

Your true feelings

were too gross and icky for you to face.

I did not want them dead.

- You did too.

- I did not.

Did too.

- I did not.

- Did too.

- Did not.

- Did too.

- Did not! Did not!

- Did too!

Shut up! I did not want them dead.

- Come on, you did. You're just...

- # Mary had a little lamb... #

I did not!

Young love!

School's cancelled today

because Kurt and Ram killed themselves

in a repressed homosexual suicide pact!

No way.

God!

The football season is over, Veronica.

Kurt and Ram

had nothing to offer the school

but date rapes and AIDS jokes.

Sure.

Can we make an ice run

before the funeral?

If there's any way

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