Heathers Page #5

you can hear me, Kurt buddy...

I don't care that

you really were some... pansy.

You're my own flesh and blood

and you made me proud.

My son's a homosexual and I love him.

I love my dead, gay son.

How do you think he'd react to a son

that had a limp wrist with a pulse?

'Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit

has a body count.

'The most popular people

in school are dead.

'Everybody's sad

but it's a weird kind of sad.

'Suicide gave Heather depth,

Kurt a soul, Ram a brain.

'I don't know what it's given me

'but I've got no control

over myself when I'm with JD.

'Are we going to prom or to hell? '

Now, it seems we were in

a similar position on Monday

when I thoughtfully suggested

we get everybody together

for an unadulterated

emotional outpouring, but no.

You took this as an opportunity

to play yet another round

of "let's laugh at the hippy".

- Pauline...

- Shut up, Paul.

I've seen a lot of bullshit -

ngel dust, switchblades,

sexually perverse photography exhibits

involving tennis rackets -

but this suicide thing...

guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength.

We're just going to write off today

and on Friday she can hold

her little love-in or whatever.

Whatever.

Attention!

May I have your attention, please?

This school has been

torn apart by tragedy.

I'm here today to fuse it back again

through togetherness.

I want everyone to clasp hands.

We need to connect this cafeteria

into one mighty circuit!

- Excuse me.

- Here comes the TV crew!

Lock your paws!

- We're ready when you are.

- Hi, there.

Come on. Let's go. Here.

This will be on TV.

Let's show them how you feel!

Looks like Miss Phlegm's

on another one of her crusades.

With usual success, of course.

Come on, get up!

Hi, what's your name?

I'm Heather Duke.

Is this as good for you as it is for me?

Those fish sticks can wait. Let's go.

Come on, kids!

The whole world is watching!

Show them that you care!

Greetings and salutations.

I'll need a VHS copy of this by Monday

for my Princeton application.

You can beat this,

don't let suicide get you down.

That thing this afternoon,

I'm so angry, it was chaos, f***ing chaos.

What are you talking about?

I mean, today was great.

Chaos was great.

Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

Face it, our way is the way.

We scare people into not being a**holes.

Our way is not our way.

Oh, yeah? Tell that to the judge, all right?

Tell it to Kurt Kelly.

I'm telling it to you.

God, you can be so immature.

Oh! You kids are making

too much damn noise.

We beat the b*tches.

Beautiful. The beaver's home.

Judge told them to slurp sh*t and die.

I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.

Masterful.

And then when that blew,

it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.

Some days it's great to be alive.

Stick it to those goddamn...

Do you like your father?

Never given the matter much thought.

Liked my mother.

They said her death was an accident

but she knew what she was doing.

She walked into the building two minutes

before my dad blew the place up.

She waved at me and then...

boom.

'Dudes, if I get one more request

for that Big Fun song,

'I'm gonna commit suicide.'

Playing our song.

'Here it is, Teenage Suicide Don't Do It.'

# Teenage suicide

# Don't do it

# Teenage suicide

# She blew it

# Teenage suicide

# Don't do it... #

That's it. We're breaking up.

What? You can't bring them back,

you must know that.

I'm not trying to bring anybody back

except maybe myself.

No!

To think once

I actually thought you were cool.

If you can't deal with me now

then just stay home and shoot your TV,

blow up a couple toasters or something.

Just don't come to school

and don't mess with me.

You'll be back.

Me and Martha Dumptruck?

Where did you get this?

Oh, I just had the nicest little chat

with Ms Dumptruck.

Got along famously.

It's scary how everybody's got

a little story to tell.

Want to see the canoeing shots?

What is this? Blackmail?

I'll give you a week's lunch money.

I don't want your money.

I want your strength.

Westerburg does not need

mushy togetherness,

it needs a strong leader.

Heather Chandler was that leader but...

But she couldn't handle it.

I think you can.

Moby Dick is dunked.

The white whale drank some bad plankton

and splashed through a coffee table

and now it's your turn to take the helm.

What about the photographs?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll ask you to do me a favour

and it'll be one you'll enjoy.

You'll get the negatives back then.

But in the meantime, strength.

Here's a little gift...

from Heather to Heather.

- Guess who.

- Heather?

'Hello? '

Hello, Betty? This is Veronica.

I don't believe it, I'm winning!

Don't you start getting cocky on me, girl.

I really missed you.

I know I'm not as exciting as

your other friends.

That is bullshit.

Shoot.

Do you know I'm still a virgin?

OK, I French-kissed Al Springer once.

It was a total disaster.

Shoot the ball.

Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than

my realities, believe me.

But now, prepare to die.

Ronnie.

You're not just going for those two shots.

I mean, go ahead, knock me out.

It's the only way to win.

It's not my style.

Nice guys finish last, I should know.

Bravo.

Bravo.

Listen, I got to get home, OK?

OK.

Thanks.

Bye, Betty.

Bye.

Betty, leaving so soon?

I'm red.

'The Westerburg suicides

were tough on all of us,

'but we shared the pain of losing

three very popular students.

'I came into the cafeteria,

asked them to hold hands... '

Isn't that that flake

we met at the open house?

'... burst of cleansing synchronicity,

'TV cameras happened

onto our path and captured... '

Cleansing synchronicity?

Outpouring of emotion?

Ha! Look! There's Heather.

There's Heather. Where are you, Veronica?

'Before a teenager decides to kill himself,

there are certain facts that he should know.

'After all, this decision affects all of us

and there's only one chance to get it right.'

'Getting some supervi... '

Turn that back on.

These programmes are eating suicide up.

They're making it sound like

a cool thing to do.

Are you trying to tell me it's not a time

for troubled youth? Stand up straight.

All we want is to be

treated like human beings,

not patronised like bunny rabbits.

I don't patronise bunny rabbits.

Treated like human beings?

Is that what you said,

little Miss Voice-of-a-generation?

How do you think adults

act with other adults?

You think it's all just

a game of doubles tennis?

When teenagers complain

they want to be treated like human beings,

it's because they are

being treated like human beings.

Well, I guess I picked the wrong time

to be a human being.

Well, you'll live.

Want some pt?

Hi, everybody. Door was open.

Veronica, have you heard?

We were doing Chinese at the food fair

when we heard Martha Dumptruck

tried to buy the farm.

She belly-flopped in front of a car

wearing a suicide note.

Is she dead?

No. That's the punch line.

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