Heavy Metal 2000

Long ago,

the Arakacians ruled the galaxies.

Horror and devastation lay in their wake.

The source of their terrifying power...

...lay within a chamber on planet Uroboris.

The waters it contained

held the promise of everlasting life.

The chamber could only be opened

with a single key...

...which, if ever found...

...would guide its bearer back

to the fountainhead of immortality.

However, the key would drive

all who touched it insane.

When the Arakacians were finally defeated,

the chamber was locked...

...and the key, cast out deep into space.

It has never been found...

...until now.

Give it up, why don't ya!

Damn! Not again!

I can't wait to get

those new matter munchers.

I've had just about enough

of these cheap heads.

Tyler, major find here!

What is it?

I don't know.

Careful, it could be a Class 4 biohazard.

What is that thing?

What's it doing?

It's weird.

What's going on?

Are you okay?

Should I call for a containment crew?

No, please!

The guardian has revealed himself!

The key has been found!

Odin, tell us. Is the day

of the great darkness at hand?

Yes. It is written in the Old Books.

The coming back time has begun.

Evil will descend upon us!

We must prepare to defend the chamber!

Sanders, sector 3!

We're still waiting

for their preliminary core samples.

What? How long

have they been down there?

Over 12 hours. They must be going nuts.

Weird. System checks out,

but no response. Deadsville.

Send someone down there.

I want to know what's going on.

I need a big ship to get somewhere.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Security. To the bridge!

Any other stupid questions?

You, fat boy. Name and duties.

- Lambert, sir. Navigation's Officer.

- Drive.

Germain St. Germain.

When I want your name, sh*t brain,

I'll ask for it.

Take over engineering.

Plot a course for BR-549, sector 7.

And somebody better

get rid of this garbage.

By the way...

...you have 20 seconds

to get us out of here.

Hi.

What are you still doing here?

I know. I'm going to be late for school.

Where's Dad?

He's at the council meeting.

I thought you were supposed to go.

Do you believe

any of that immortality crap?

Think about it. A stupid key?

Call him a liar, and see what happens.

Listen, this guy's getting weirder

by the day.

Imagine in 10 years? Hell, 100.

You've got a point.

I am getting sick of it.

Going all over the bloody place.

Looking for a stupid compound!

- What have you got?

- A FAKK 2 planet, sir.

Death to all carbon based life forms.

Federation Assigned Kitogenic Killzone

to the second level.

Which means it's a dead planet.

Scan it anyway.

I don't get it.

There's life out there.

The FAKK 2 must have been

from an old registry.

I want a bio-scan for compound H20-471.

There are small traces in their systems.

Yeah. Immortality all over the place.

You!

Just remember you're not immortal yet!

What's this place called?

Eden, sir.

Welcome to paradise.

And our irrigation program

is already showing promise.

Agro-production is up five percent

in the last six months.

Phase two of our expansion project...

...the development of the Noma Valley,

will begin in three weeks as scheduled.

Things look good, ladies and gentlemen.

Our future is bright.

- Help Kerrie. I'll get our air defences up!

- Be careful! I'll see you up there!

Quickly. This way!

Kerrie!

Julie.

Father!

Looks like the boys

got a little trigger-happy.

When making an omelette,

one breaks a few eggs.

Here, let me help you.

They attacked.

- You okay?

- We never had a chance.

Hey, look at this! A live one!

Leave her alone!

Get off of me! Let me go!

Feisty and sexy.

Careful boys, this one's a keeper.

- Pack 'em up!

- Yes, sir!

Splitsville, boys! We're moving out!

Wait for me!

Lover-boy, you're on your own.

You can't just leave me here like this!

Wait a minute, man-

Like the sign says, a dead planet.

This won't hurt. It's just a DNA test.

The good stuff comes later.

Start with the others, Doc.

- This one's special.

- But of course.

What I need is in your system.

Not enough to make you immortal...

...but it probably keeps your people

beautiful and healthy. Especially you.

I'll save you for last.

And if you're lucky, my dear,

and play your cards right...

...we'll spend a lot of quality time together.

Perfect. I knew

you wouldn't disappoint me.

Clean her up!

And I don't have to remind your kind...

...she's mine.

I should have been a cook!

Try this for an appetiser!

- I didn't do anything! I swear!

- You're one of them!

No! I mean, I was, but I ran away!

I didn't kill anybody!

Who did this?

He took over our ship

and forced us to come here!

- Who?

- His name's Tyler!

Why did he attack?

He's nuts!

He thinks he's going to live forever!

Where did he go? You've got one second.

One...

Wait! I'll take you to him!

- Where?

- Do we have a deal?

- How long to fix this Spacehawk?

- Two hours, max! I'm almost there.

You dropped your wrench.

Aren't you going to pick it up?

Yeah.

What did I do?

I am a genius.

Doc, this had better work.

I like the hint of lemon.

I'm so glad.

Yes!

So, where are we going?

He said he needed to get to a jump port.

Computer, set co-ordinates

for the closest spaceport...

...that can handle a class C vessel.

Searching. Confirmed.

Neo Calcutta. Course set.

ETA 93.7 hours.

So, what's your name?

Don't talk, don't touch,

don't even breathe...

- ... or I kill you. Got it?

- I got it.

Request incoming docking co-ordinates.

please continue holding pattern.

Lock in approach at ANUS-6370.

- Confirmed.

- State the purpose of your visit.

- Revenge.

- processing.

Invalid entry. Resubmit.

- Family business.

- Confirmed.

Forty-eight hour access.

Visa file number URFUKD-881.

please submit identity.

FAKK 2.

Confirmed. Cleared for docking.

You like this place?

Looks like a lot of your type.

After four days stuck in a Spacehawk,

getting the cold shoulder...

...it's not so bad.

We could have a lot of fun here.

What are you, socially deprived?

I'm not socially deprived.

Well, maybe a little.

"Sit down! What are you looking at?

You snore!

"Get outta my face! Shut the f*** up!"

This is heaven compared

to where I come from.

Shut the f*** up.

Are you sure this guy Tyler is looking

for a jump port? And to where?

We're talking high-grade,

silicone-rubber flesh here.

And a PVC skeleton with plastic ball

and socket joints for optimum movement.

You can customise her

with a choice of seven synthetic hair dyes.

And optional entry ports

with four speeds of suction!

Loveable, isn't she?

Check this out.

She's loaded with the latest micro-sensor

orgasmatronic technology...

...and an expandable vocabulary...

...of over 200 dirty words.

Test results indicate

she's better than the real thing.

Go on, Venus.

Show the gentleman what you got.

Please select your sexual preference.

Vaginal. Anal. Oral. Other.

Only 2,000.

I don't know, 2,000...

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