Helicopter Mom

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3, 2, 1.

Well, I'm just paying attention to you.

I am not hovering.

Okay.

You're always gonna be my baby.

Let's go.

I'm not ready.

H-how can you not be ready?

I'm not ready yet.

H-hover?

You think I hover?

You've always been, like,

hovering over me.

Lloyd.

Lloyd.

Lloyd, Lloyd,

what are you doing?

Do you love your mommy?

Did you wear your seat belt?

Are we here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on, hang on.

Stay there.

I'm comin' to get you!

Can I take

the blindfold off yet?

No!

Get out of the car!

Okay, walk.

There's a curb there. Step back.

All right. Oh. All right.

And... and...

Happy Birthday!

Yeah.

We're gonna have the best day!

Come on!

Look at this! Isn't this

the best place on earth?

Yeah, It's something.

Come on! Oh, tattoos!

Let's get matching tattoos.

Oh, yes, that's just what

I've always wanted.

Really?

No! Not really.

Happy Birthday!

Yeah.

Got it.

All right.

Look here.

You've taken enough pictures

to fill a wedding album.

Will you stop? I have not

taken nearly enough.

It smells like a sku...

Is there a skunk?

A what?

It smells like a skunk.

Come on.

You don't smell that?

It's just weed.

It's nothing...

Oh, God.

There's nothing wrong with it.

What's left after this?

Prom, then graduation,

and then you're gone!

You're gone!

And all I'm gonna have left

are these photos.

Mom...

Photos that I am

gonna flip through

in that dark house alone.

It's just college.

I'm going to college.

IF I get in

and IF I get a scholarship.

I'm not signing up for a tour

of duty in the middle east.

But then you're gonna meet

a nice girl.

Don't you understand?

You're gonna go get married

in Minnesota.

Mom, I think you're getting

a little bit ahead of yourself.

Then kids!

Ah, then kids.

And then you're not gonna

have time for your mom.

Well, IF you're lucky,

I'll turn out to be gay.

We're gonna take some of these.

What are we doing?

Oh, these are great.

Right?

I can't even...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, what the...

Put this on.

This is not...

This is clearly not a man's hat.

This is very good, very good.

I think I look like

lady gaga right now.

This is me. This is so me. Look!

This is... what's this called,

a "selfie"?

Yeah.

And now...

Now what?

It's time to come out.

Come out of... what?

Ooh! Okay, all right,

sorry.

What are you,

too busy playing dress-up

to watch where you're walking...

Sheila? I'm sorry.

It was an accident.

Listen, we were just

kidding around.

We're just hanging out.

It's all right.

Just an accident.

Sorry.

Aw, does your mommy fight

all your battles for ya?

Okay.

Why don't you just leave my son

alone, you big loser?

Okay. All right, mom. Let's go.

Let's just...

Mom, let's... let's go.

Hey, lady...

Get your f*ggot son

and get outta here

before we make you

get outta here.

Let's... let's do that.

Let's go.

You're right.

We should just go.

Mom!

Yeah. Hit a woman.

That always turns out well.

Uh...

Excuse me!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Oh, my God!

So, you had to slap him.

Oh, my God. Run! Run! Run!

I'm running as fast

as I can, mom!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Gotta go.

Go! Go! Go!

That way! That way!

That way! That way!

Uh... honey, go! Go!

Come here. Come here. This way.

This way. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Okay, okay.

You all right?

Yeah, fine.

I'm fi...

Mom? Mom?

I'm fi... I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Here we go.

You're gonna scare...

Oh, come on, mom.

Look away.

There's nowhere for me to look

that I'm remotely

comfortable with.

All right, miss Cooper.

These are painkillers.

Only take two a day.

Oh, drugs?

I don't know about drugs.

You know, I try to keep my body

in a harmonious, earthy balance.

That's good to hear,

miss Cooper.

Every day I make myself

a green smoothie.

Just all the green stuff

from my... organic garden.

I just take that stuff

and I just throw it in there

like pea pods and broccoli

and kale

and quenoah.

I think that's quinoa.

Mmm.

Quinoa, too.

Eating healthy is important.

Mm-hmm.

You need to make sure you're

balancing it with exercise.

Are you exercising?

Oh, yeah.

I go to the gym so much

that they're like,

"Maggie Cooper, get out!"

I do yoga and pilates

and yogalates.

You know what else I do?

Pole dancing.

I love to pole dance.

I go up and down that pole.

I just love it.

Miss Cooper, you need to take

this seriously, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

My mother passed away

last year, okay?

Ah.

From a stroke.

She had just a few

anxiety attacks before

for warning signs, okay?

So we need

to take this seriously.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, all good.

His mother?

I, mm, told you not to.

His damn mother?

I warned you.

Oh, my God. That was awful.

Get the car.

What?

Get the car! Let's go!

All right.

We're out of here.

Give me these.

You know, I think you were winning

him over there at the end.

Ma'am?

Don't call me "ma'am"!

Excuse me!

Always prepared.

What would I do without you?

I don't know.

Aww, you know what?

These pills don't work, though.

They just are...

Okay. Here we go.

You know you're wearing

a hospital gown, right?

Excuse me.

What up, boy?

Hey!

Happy Birthday, dude!

You know, I almost didn't

recognize you

without the dick in your face.

What up, dude?

Later, douche!

That is great.

Happy Birthday!

Oh, thanks, Fitch.

Thanks a lot, man.

Yeah, promise I won't hug you.

She treats me

like I'm 10 years old.

Yeah, dude, this is a bad one.

I know.

But at least she cares.

Yeah, she cares

a little bit too much.

There's another dick in my face.

I give up.

I have a question for you.

How in the world

did you find the time

to plaster those awful

pictures of me all over school?

What pictures?

The one... come on.

Who else was with me

at the dentist?

Nobody.

It was just you.

What happened at the dentist?

They're the pictures of me

when I have the...

The, like, gauze stuffed

in my mouth?

Aren't they great?!

Yeah, no. They're awful.

Come on!

They're embarrassing.

That... did everybody laugh?

At me.

They were laughing at me.

Well, It's kind of fun.

That's like a love thing.

No, it was rough.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It was a lot of that.

On your 17th birthday.

I know.

This should be a great day.

It should be, but it wasn't.

I'm so...

It was... it was hard.

Let's pause for a moment

and remember the day,

for me, the moment

you popped out of my cooch.

Oh, God!

Wish time.

Okay. All right.

All right.

Okay.

Okay.

One wish.

Mm-hmm.

And I have to be in it.

You are. Okay.

Yay! Happy Birthday.

Oh, I didn't get it.

I didn't get it!

Can we be done, please?

Done?

It's just...

It's too much, mom.

I love you so much.

Okay, ready?

Happy Birthday. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right. Okay, you ready?

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Three, two, one.

Two, one. Okay.

Okay.

We're still doing that,

but... okay.

Uh, I think you need

to check the printer.

This...

This printed very light.

Will you check on that?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

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