Helicopter Mom Page #2

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Uh, satisfactory, Fitch.

Story of my life.

And that was beautiful, Lloyd.

Thank you.

Do you write a lot of poetry?

No.

You know,

you should do it more often.

Poetry?

F*ggot!

At least he can read

and write, Brad.

Carrie, what do I need

to write for, okay?

Look at me.

I got a body built for success.

And an I.Q. Lower

than room temperature.

Yeah? Well,

that didn't stop Ryan Lochte.

Ew. Really?

Gross, Brad.

Lloyd, did you submit anything

to the fine arts assembly?

No.

Well, now you have.

You're going to read this.

You've gotta share this

with as many people as possible.

The thing is, uh, is... is...

Is Lloyd can't do crowds.

No.

Really, though.

Just think about it.

Okay, guys,

see you all next time.

So, um, you think I could maybe

read some of

your stuff sometime?

I really like poetry.

Uh, no, no.

No, I-it... It's not good.

I don't... I don't like, um,

like showing it to anybody.

Much less reading it out loud.

I ca... I can't.

Well, um...

IF you change your mind,

let me know.

Thanks, Lloyd.

Yeah, sure, drew.

Oh.

Hey.

Thank you.

Are you seeing anyone?

No.

When was your first kiss?

What... what is this?

Do you wanna be kissed?

No.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

I get it. Okay.

I am not here.

Just cleaning.

Just got stuff to do.

What do you think about

when you...

Okay, that's gross.

That is not okay to talk about.

We cannot talk about that, okay?

Got it, okay. Okay.

We don't have to talk about it.

No, we don't.

I'm just gonna ask you, though.

Do you... dust?

I'm not gonna...

I don't wanna talk about...

Masturbate... with you.

Okay. Got it.

I'm not even gonna...

That is cool.

I am totally out.

Dignify that question

with a response.

Okay.

Too loud.

I'm so sorry. I'm... I'm so sorry.

It's...

IF you like boys,

I'm totally into that.

IF I what?

I would support that 100%.

Okay.

In my sophomore year,

I had a thing with a girl.

I know. Mindy.

Mindy!

I know.

You listened! God.

I've heard the story

so many times.

The beautiful thing

about girl-on-girl action,

and boy-on-boy... They know what

they're doing. Okay, okay. No.

There wouldn't be, like,

a minute of, like,

"hey, don't touch that.

That's not a button."

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.

Mom? Mom? Mom?

Can I just do my homework,

please?

With being a little wild

and free in your youth.

I just wanna get to know you

a little bit better.

Okay, then join the PTA

like all the other moms.

Okay! I can do that!

Not really.

God, I love you!

That's a great idea.

No! Mom, no!

Make sure that everybody

is checking...

Hey, ladies! Maggie Cooper.

Sorry I'm late.

As I was saying,

prom will be here sooner

than you can believe!

Clap, clap, clap!

And, of course,

I am keeping track

of your mandatory

volunteer hours.

I'm looking at you, Norma.

You have to build the hours up.

I've noticed that your checklist

has been down.

Oh, for goodness sake,

is that a diaphragm

on our beautiful table?

It's all good.

Just gonna take notes.

I'm looking forward to

everybody's decoration ideas.

I know last year a lot of us

were in a slump,

so I know this year

you are going to wow me,

and I'm very excited.

Now, don't forget

to please make sure

you are on the correct

e-mail lists

for your respective committees.

And IF all of you

haven't signed up

as chair of committees

and roped in every single parent

from every single class,

it will be noted

by Barbara Wolfe.

Excuse me.

Who's Barbara Wolfe?

I am Barbara Wolfe!

Dr. Barbara Sloan

Huntington Wolfe

of the Pasadena

Sloan Huntingtons!

All good.

Namaste.

This meeting is adjourned.

Has Robert completed

his Zimmerman applications?

I hear it is due at the end

of the month.

Yes, and the, uh, Peterson

and the O'Reilly.

Oh! Good for Robert.

Oh, did you

fill out the F.F.E.L.?

Yes, and the I.E.A.P.

and the S.S.I.G.

Oh, my Carrie's

in the same boat.

God help me,

it is like pulling teeth

to get her to

finish these things.

Well, hasn't she taken the sats?

National merit scholar.

Barbara!

That's wonderful.

Oh!

I bet you guys didn't know

that her little Melanie

had to file for fafsa.

No.

Yes.

They aren't doing well?

There's no shame in filing

for financial aid, is there?

No.

No, of course not, sweetheart.

Well, damn.

Excuse me?

Sorry. I forget

where I am sometimes.

Sorry about that.

Maggie Cooper.

How you guys doin'?

Um, I'm Lloyd's mom.

Our kids are frie...

Maybe you...

Your kids are friends

with my son, Lloyd?

What activities does he do?

What activities are there?

Um, clubs, athletics,

extracurriculars...

Student government,

debate, mathletes.

He reads a lot.

Well, then he's probably not

friends with our children.

Well, I'm here to change that!

That's what I'm doing!

I am here to volunteer

for stuff.

I can be on prom committee.

I just wanna be more involved

in his school

before he leaves

for college, you know?

So, uh, sign me up.

Whatcha got?

IF we need something,

I'll let you know.

So what do you guys

wanna do now?

Wanna go get a drink?

Okay, wh-what you're going to do

is show up next week,

on time, sit down quietly,

preferably by the door,

so I can ask you to leave IF

you cause another disturbance.

- Those b*tches.

- The nerve.

Just because Lloyd's

a little bookish

doesn't mean their kids are any better.

Exactly.

But it did get me thinking,

though,

what am I gonna do

about Lloyd's financial aid?

Do you know how much college is?

A hundred grand.

I thought it was like 30.

What am I gonna do IF he gets

into an Ivy league school?

You really want him going

some far away from home?

No, I do not.

I gotta get creative.

I gotta think.

There are scholarships

available,

but the competition is fierce.

It's a shame he's not

a minority.

They have tons of

scholarships for minorities.

Latino, African American,

women, amputees,

albinos, pacific islanders.

Ah, I should've married ray!

Ugh!

Ray? Who's ray?

He is a Samoan guy that I dated

in high school.

That dude could bend my legs

over my head.

You are my hero.

Lloyd would be

half pacific islander.

Should've married ray, not Max.

They even have scholarships

for gays.

Really?

You know, I can't figure out

IF Lloyd is gay or straight.

And can you believe he won't

talk to me about it?

Would you have a problem

IF he was?

Are you kidding me?

I'd be thrilled.

Why?

Why?

Because he'd be the only man

who never left me

for another woman.

You know how great

that would be?

He'd be just with me

all the time.

Oh, my God. My gay son and me

going purse shopping.

How great would that be?

I could be walking down

the street,

going to the theater

with my gay son,

like, "what are you doing?"

"Oh, just going to the theater!

"This is my gay son.

He's taking me to the theater!

He's taking me to the opera! I'm

going to the opera with my gay son!"

Just walkin'... I didn't even

know you liked the opera.

I have never been to the opera,

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