Helicopter Mom Page #3

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and I would hate it,

but I would be there

with my gay son.

And that would be so great.

My son's not gay.

He doesn't like Pesto.

Yeah, he's so not gay.

Relax, man,

you're making me nervous.

She's nowhere in sight.

Yeah, not yet.

Lloyd, are you ready?

Um, I'm really nervous.

Well, I'm very proud of you

for doing this.

Let's give them another round

of applause.

Wasn't that amazing?

Who knew we had so much talent

at this school?

Next up, you know them well...

It's the girls' dance squad.

Just take a breath,

You'll be fine.

Your poem is beautiful.

You got this.

Oh, okay.

Deep breaths.

Okay, um, next up

we've got a poem

from Mrs. Moore's English class.

You'll be fine.

I can't.

Come on!

Come out here.

- Douche bag, come out!

- He'll be fine.

Hey, kid, come on.

He's coming.

Sometime today.

Seriously.

Oh!

Sorry! Love you!

Just go up to the mic

right there.

Hey, pretty boy!

Okay, okay.

Hey, junior.

- What is he doing?

- Come on, Lloyd.

Spit it out! Come on, Shakespeare.

Show us what you got!

Get off the stage, queer!

Mom?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Now It's a talent show.

Go ahead. Just take a breath.

Take a breath.

Just hold up. Just don't go anywhere.

Oh, my God. Look at her gold shoes!

Everyone, shut up.

My son is going to read a poem.

Go ahead, Lloyd.

Did your mom bring your bottle?!

Who is that?

Who's that? Hmm?

Oh. Oh, yeah, It's you.

Yeah, well, you are ruining it

for everyone, okay?

Stand up, show yourself.

Let's see you.

Yeah, you think It's okay

to call people names,

you little turd?

You think It's okay

to call people...

Gay?

His poetry is beautiful.

It's not what you people

are writing...

Unicorns and boners.

Go to the principal's office.

The principal's office?

You don't even work here.

I can handle this,

Mrs. Cooper!

So It's only the teachers who

can give orders around here?

Actually, yes.

That's true.

Oh, uh, okay, Oh, please.

As IF you'd treat Barbara wolf

like this.

Barbara wolf would be like,

"Oh, I'm gonna talk."

Barbara wolf would not be

on stage right now.

Security!

We don't know that for sure.

I wanna say something about poetry.

Hey!

Excuse me?

What are you doing?!

Bravo!

Um...

Now, bailing your mother

out of jail, that's a first.

Used to be the other way around.

Yeah, 17 times.

17 times, what?

Uh, the number of times mom

has bailed you out of jail.

That many times?

Yeah. That I know of.

I was convicted once.

Public nuisance.

I mean, really.

I'm a rock star.

That was a long, long,

long time ago, Max.

I still tour.

Indian casinos.

Things change.

Oh, I know. I went to my first

PTA meeting last week.

All right.

That's pretty funny.

Am I, uh...

Comin' in?

No jail jokes.

I was just about...

Oh, yeah, I saw you forming it!

Don't even!

So I was thinking, like,

blond streak, black streak,

blond streak, black streak.

What?

You loved it.

Mm.

It was hot.

Doesn't matter. It's my look.

I'm gonna rock it hard.

I might even do it tonight.

I'm gonna do it

with my mustache bleach.

Okay. Mm. All right.

I'm gonna go to bed.

You guys try not to get arrested

while I'm gone, okay?

Yes, dad.

Ha ha.

I was just gonna say...

We gotta talk about Lloyd.

Why? He's a great kid.

He is a great kid.

I don't know how it happened,

but...

And...

Our son's gay.

My son... gay?

Our son.

Yeah, okay.

Our son, gay?

I don't get the gay vibe

at all from him.

Well, see, I think that is

exactly what the problem is.

I think that he doesn't want

to come out

to his super-hetero dad

'cause he'll disappoint you.

I wouldn't...

I wouldn't be disappointed.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, no,

I just don't think he is.

You gotta trust a mom

on this one, okay?

Whatever you say.

Okay. Talk to him.

Tell him you're okay with it.

For 10 years you've been saying,

"I don't want you

to talk to him.

You're a bad influence."

10 years, at least!

Now you want me to talk to him?

Things change, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Now shoo. Go, go, please.

Faster.

Maggie?

Come here, please.

Right there?

Yes.

Please.

You know, I'm sorry

that I missed your scene

at the arts festival

the other day.

Oh, you heard about me.

Stop right there.

That's fine.

Unfortunately, I did.

It seems that you mentioned me

to Mrs. Moore?

I get worked up sometimes.

Sorry.

That is in the past,

it is behind me,

and I'm just turning over

a new leaf,

and let's just move on

and do the prom stuff, okay?

Mrs. Moore told me that your son

seems sensitive.

Yes, he is. Sensitive.

Mm, sensitive-looking.

Is that code?

It seems that this might be

a wonderful time for your son,

who's very sensitive,

to start maybe his own club.

Maybe a sensitive boys' club.

Or a gay club!

A gay club.

What would they do there?

Needlepoint.

Choreography.

Poetry?

Anything that a seamstress

would do.

I mean, sure. Why not?

'Cause all the best fashion

designers are gay men,

so I would love that.

He could be Marc Jacobs or the

next Michael Kors. That's true.

He could be

on "project runway" going,

"hi, guys."

I would love it.

I guess because

I'm a single mom, my son and I,

we hang out a lot

and we just have a really close

relationship which is...

Maybe It's just the way it is

with gay sons,

and we're probably

just gonna have, like, a...

Just a great life,

go off on cruises,

and I'm sure

he'll take me to Paris,

and I-I'll tell you

something else, too...

I bet I'll be

the best dressed mom

in the assisted-living facility

in South beach.

He'll just park me there.

It'll be great.

Should we talk about the prom,

maybe?

Yes.

Yeah.

Barbara wolf always feels like

people who are sensitive

maybe should have

their own sensitive prom.

Perhaps your son should have

his own gay prom.

It could be rainbow themed!

Or sparkles.

Oh! I love sparkles.

These girls have great ideas

for gays.

My son's coming to this prom.

He's gonna be at this prom.

IF he has a date.

He's coming to this prom.

It's all good.

Well, Maggie, good luck

with your gay son

who's going to take you

to Paris.

In the meantime,

maybe he should talk to you

about your hair.

It's so nice.

Well, thank you.

I wasn't complimenting you.

Girls?

Ouch!

Wow!

Okay.

What is up with that?

Unbelievable.

They're out for me, right?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh, Barbara wolf

finally gave me a job.

I get to clean up

after the meeting.

Hey, I'll see you back

at your house, right?

Yes, please.

Bring booze.

And a tranquilizer dart.

"My name is Barbara wolf.

"President of the world

and the PTA.

"My name is Barbara wolf.

"I do not have any veins

in my body.

"My cooch is an icicle.

"My name is Barbara wolf.

I am Barbara wolf."

Ahh!

Barbara?

Congratulations.

I mean, I really wish

you would've told me yourself,

seriously, but congrats.

What are you talking about?

Your scholarship application.

They posted the finalists

this morning.

What application?

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