Helicopter Mom Page #4

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"What application?"

Yeah.

Come on, you big queen!

You don't have to hide in

the closet anymore. What?

That's the point, right?

I'm pretty confused by

your whole... your whole thing.

I don't...

Y-you can't keep

playing it coy, man.

I don't know what this...

What are you talking about?

They posted it.

Posted what?

God, she's trying to get me

killed. Oh, my God.

What?

There he is!

Lloyd, come on up here!

What?

Come on!

I-I think they want you

to be in...

In prom court!

Let's look at you.

No, no, no, no, no.

You look great. This is great.

Help! No!

It's 2014!

Being gay is cool now!

I am so proud to welcome

our very first

openly gay candidate, Lloyd...

What's your last name?

Uh, c-c-Cooper.

Lloyd Cooper!

Hi.

Hey.

How was your day?

Seriously, mom?

What?

Don't play innocent.

I don't know what you mean.

Prom courts?

Mom, most of the people

at this school,

they don't even know who I am.

They do now.

Also, thanks for telling

the whole school I'm gay.

Well, I just figured.

Come on, you and Fitch.

Me and f...

What?! Fitch?!

He's your only friend.

So we're gay?

Yeah?

I don't have a boyfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend.

All I have is this

crazy mom.

That's all I have.

All right, next?

Hey.

Yes, you, Lloyd.

Oh, come here.

Fix that.

There you go.

Thanks.

Having fun?

No, not really.

This isn't really my thing.

Yeah.

It's a sh*t show.

Excuse me?

Oh, I mean, come on.

Prom court, winter formal court,

Sadie's, morp...

It's all the same

boring pageant.

You're not like the other girls,

IF I'm not mistaken.

No.

I can't wait for this one

to be done.

Then finally my crazy mom

might calm down.

I know what you mean there.

My mom had a full-on

anxiety attack,

wouldn't admit it.

My mom hates your mom.

I can't say I blame her

for that.

My mom has what I like to call

a "polarizing" personality,

which really is just a nice way

of saying she's

probably bipolar.

Oh.

It's not funny.

No, no, of course not.

But IF it makes you feel

any better...

Anyone who manages to piss off

my mom is good in my book.

All right.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

should we get this over with?

Yes, please.

Try not to take this all

so seriously.

I'll try.

And don't be afraid to say hi

to me on campus.

We're friends now.

Come on.

Great.

Try to look like

you're enjoying yourselves.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

You asked me to talk to him.

I like the red!

Right?

I look great, right?

I like it.

What are you doing?

Get...

Wow!

Okay, all ri...

Okay. Oh, don't...

Why not?

Okay, that's good.

That is so good.

Yeah, it is so...

So soft.

Oh, my God.

Okay, all right. Come here,

I'm gonna show you something.

Cut it out!

Ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

This!

It's a nice picture.

Yeah.

Now I need some hobbies so...

So he doesn't seem like

such a nerd.

Like reading and TV,

what else does he...

What are you doing?

I'm creating a profile so he

doesn't go to prom alone.

You're creating a fake profile

to procure young men online

for Lloyd?

Kinda, yeah.

What... have you seen

"to catch a predator"?

It's not a fake profile

IF you know the person.

I'm just gonna go through

the best ones

and just pick some guys

that could go...

Okay, don't tell him.

It just seems wrong.

Hey, It's not that wrong.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

- Knock knock!

- Yeah?

Had dinner?

Yeah.

Perfect.

Let's go out

for after-dinner drinks.

You know I'm 17, right?

IF my son's nearly old enough

to be shipped off to war,

he can have a drink

with his dad.

Come on, let's go.

I know a place.

Ah, Christy.

Good evening.

Whiskey for me...

And one for Lloyd.

Ooh.

We gonna do shots?

Yeah.

You know I don't drink, right?

Well, now you will.

Be a naughty boy tonight.

Yeah, this is, uh... this is

the first one, actually.

This is your first drink?

Yep.

Well, there's always

gotta be a first.

Sure.

Bottoms up, cowboys!

All right.

Thank you, cowgirl.

All right.

Mmm!

Ahh.

That's a good start.

Whoo!

Come on, come on,

come on, come on.

You drank the whole thing?

Come on!

Okay. All right, okay.

All right.

We are not leaving this bar

until you are nice and drunk.

Whoo!

Another one for me.

You're going for another?

Oh, my God!

And we are gonna talk...

And drink,

and you are gonna love it,

God damn it.

Be right back.

All right.

Um...

Uh, excuse me, miss?

You can call me Christy,

darlin'.

Okay, uh, Christy,

when you poor our shots,

can you water mine down?

Aw, okay.

Like, maybe all water?

Okay, honey.

Please?

Thank you.

So...

So...

Give dad the 411.

Nobody Says 411 anymore, dad,

unless they're on

Disney channel.

All right, current events.

Fill me in.

Love, life,

pursuit of happiness.

Well, steady as she goes,

I guess.

That's it?

That's all you're giving me?

Come on

you can talk about anything!

You can talk about, you know...

School, friends, graduation,

love life...

Boyfriends.

God, you too?

Did mom put you up to this

or something?

No.

Absolutely no.

Good.

But, IF you're uncomfortable...

No, It's n... I'm not...

No, really, you don't have

to talk about it.

I'm not uncomfortable

talking about it,

I just... I hate everybody

trying to put a label on me.

Can I just be undeclared?

Just you and me.

Just... nothing you say

will ever be repeated.

You do have a question.

Uh...

Spit 'em.

How did you know

you were straight?

Well, that's a good question.

I guess I just knew.

Did you ever experiment

or anything?

Guys hit on me all the time.

I mean, for years.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I... you know,

I kissed a guy once,

and he followed me into the bathroom.

Really?

I mean, I don't know,

but nothing really happened,

you know?

Nothing really...

But enough to know

you don't like it.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I guess I just wasn't

really attracted to guys.

Can I ask you

a personal question?

What gives you a boner?

Dad, I'm 17.

Everything gives me a boner.

A slight change in the weather

gives me a boner.

Calculus gives me a boner.

I'm not kidding!

You are my son after all.

Not really, not quite, no.

Yes, you are! Yes!

I'm... I'm a virgin.

Yeah.

Well, I knew that.

I sort of guessed that.

Never even been kissed...

Boy or girl.

No.

Nothin'.

Oh, my God.

By your age, I mean, Jesus.

Maybe I'm just young

and idealistic,

but I-I think it should mean...

Something.

I mean, I th... there's maybe

three people I can think of

that I would even contemplate

sleeping with

who are ni... nice people,

attractive physically,

and, yeah, one of them

happens to be a guy,

but that doesn't mean I'm ready

to jump into bed with him

right away.

I don't kno... I don't know!

I don't know.

All right. Cool.

You're fine.

Just relax, take your time.

You'll figure it out.

No matter what you do or say,

you're not gonna change

my feelings about you.

And I've done some bad,

terrible,

irresponsible things in my life,

and I-I'm not in a position

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