Helicopter Mom Page #5

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to judge anyone else,

least of all my son...

Of who I am very, very proud,

by the way.

Thanks, dad.

That's... really good to hear.

Yes! Mom!

I'm in here!

Mom, mom, mom, come here!

Yahoo!

Look!

Look, look, look, look!

What are you doing?

Look, look, look!

It's here!

What is that?

Read it.

Right?

My God!

Yeah, you did!

We have a good chance

at the scholarship, right?

Of course. Yes. Yeah, We'll make it work.

Yes. Oh, God!

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

Oh, I need to get

you some luggage!

I love you! I love you.

All right?

I love you, too.

Oh, I love you so much!

I love you so much! I'm so proud!

Yeah!

So proud!

So that's it.

That's his college,

and you gotta trust me,

and you can't get weird.

Just go with what I do.

It's gonna be fun!

Is there booze in here?

Hi! Welcome to tin horn flats.

How many?

Oh, table for four, please.

You got it.

Three.

Right this way.

We're actually four.

What? No. Who?

What? Who's the fourth?

Just... nothin'.

We have four people tonight.

Maggie...

Who's the fourth?

Just a friend.

Who?

They stack onion rings here.

Hey.

Hi.

Aww, my future

east coast resident.

- Howdy.

- Hi.

Hi. Would you like me

to wait for your whole party

to arrive

before I take your order?

Well, why don't we just get

some onion rings?

The big tall stack of them,

and, um, could you

get me a Margarita?

A, just... do you have,

uh, two sizes?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll have the venti.

The large.

Yeah. Thank you.

Got it, right away.

Is there someone else coming?

Just a friend

is coming to join us.

Yeah, and I just wanna say

that I didn't have anything

to do

with orchestrating the events

that are about to occur.

I just came here to celebrate

you getting into NYU.

Maggie, hello, darling.

You must be dad.

And this must be Lloyd.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

Parker.

Lovely to meet you.

Hi, Parker.

Do you wanna ask, um, Parker

about, uh,

where he goes to school

or, um, who cuts his hair?

Well, I go to fidm,

and I get my hair cut

at chop chop salon.

What about you?

Um...

I cut his hair.

Oh!

That's nice.

On Friday, he did his own bangs.

All right. Um, well,

I think I'm just gonna head over

to the restroom

and wash my hands

before we have dinner.

But you're coming back, right?

Sure, mm-hmm.

Is this some kind

of fix-up date?

No, it is just

a gathering of friends.

That's it.

No. I'm out of here.

No!

You can make up whatever

excuse you want,

I'm leaving.

I'll see you later, dad.

Lloyd, please, just a second!

Lloyd, scholarship, please!

The scholarship.

Just come here.

Just come here.

The scholarship rep

is going to ask you questions

about your gay experience.

I mean, do you even

have any gay friends?

You've got to know something

about the gay lifestyle.

Parker, I'm sure, is filled

with lots of insights.

Please, will you sit, please?

Just sit down.

All right.

How bad could it get, right?

I have no idea what came over

Mitchell the other day.

I mean, It's not like

we're even seriously dating.

It's not my fault he likes to

buy me expensive things, okay?

I mean, I feel like

I'm a pretty chill guy.

So then I just said

to myself, "Parker,

"what are you so afraid of?

"Guys are such drama queens.

Take a deep breath,"

and I just said,

"chop it all off.

Just chop this nappy weave

right off my head."

I'm really easygoing.

I'm all about

the low-maintenance, you know?

Yeah, you se... you seem

very low-maintenance.

That is so cute

how awkward he is!

Aw!

IF you need any support

or advice, I'm here for you.

I'm into really masculine guys,

like, really manly guys.

Really manly guys.

Like, IF I wanted to date

a girl, I would.

Every once in a while,

I find myself attracted

to somebody a little bit

more... androgynous.

Oh, Jesus!

Dad!

My God!

Really?

I don't know.

I- he better go

to the bathroom.

Yeah.

I'll help him.

Geez.

Oh, my God, I had no idea

how else to get you out

of that thing.

You could've just asked me

to excuse myself.

Well, okay, maybe that would've

been a good idea back then,

but I didn't do that.

So there. Here.

Thanks.

"Hi, Parker." "Who are you?"

"I'm Parker."

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

I feel dumber for having sat

through that whole thing.

My God, she's insane!

This is beautiful.

Maybe I should take it.

Come on, be serious.

What are we gonna do?

You wanna get out of here?

Yeah! But IF we tried anything,

she'd handcuff us to the booth.

Just how desperately do you

wanna get out of here?

What's going on?

Are you choking?

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

Need the Heimlich?

He can speak! What? The burger?

Pineapple!

So?

Pineapple?

He's allergic to pineapple!

He's not allergic to pineapple!

I better take him

to the hospital.

Oh, man. I'll rush him

to the hospital.

Right.

This is bad!

I'll call you.

Oh, my God!

Thanks for getting me

out of that.

Don't kid yourself,

you owe me $2.50.

Wh... for getting me

out of the date?

And interest. You were

eyeing the steak knife.

Yeah, I know.

I just...

I thought she knew me better

than that.

Wrong again.

Hey you!

Hey!

Fancy seeing you here.

Hey, uh, Carrie,

this is my dad, Max.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Damn, you got a hot dad, Lloyd.

That's...

Not weird at all.

I just mean I can see where

you get your good looks from.

Ah.

The girls and I were just

headed to the bar.

Why?

Peggy knows the bartender.

We were gonna flirt with him,

try to get some free drinks.

Does that really work?

Lloyd.

Come on!

A group of pretty girls?

It's not that hard.

Oh, all right.

Do you wanna come with us?

No, I'm actually...

I'm gonna hang out

with my dad tonight.

Oh, okay. Well, uh,

IF you wanna join,

We'll be over there

getting drunk,

so stop by, maybe?

Maybe.

Okay. Think about it.

All right.

Bye, Lloyd.

Nice to meet you, dad.

Nice to meet you.

Bye, Carrie.

He's really cute.

You sure?

Yeah, It's fine.

I'll see her at school.

She's hot.

Dad, come on.

What?

It's a little creepy.

Not... It's not about me,

It's all about you.

Eyes only for you.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

No!

The way she looked at you,

she touched you.

Okay, so?

No, a-a casual touch by a girl

is never by accident.

You're crazy.

I am not crazy.

You think I don't know girls?

I'm pretty good with the girls.

Are you trying

to straighten me out?

No.

I'm just, maybe, helping you

become a more complete version

of yourself.

Can we get out of here?

Yeah.

You wanna go home?

No! I don't wanna go home,

anywhere but home.

Wow.

I love coming back here, son.

Mm.

It's been a long time.

Used to smoke weed back there

in between periods.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'll ditch class sometimes.

I'll sit at the bench

by the soccer fields.

You ditch class?

Yeah.

I read, but, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, wow, this is where

your mother would eat lunch

with her friends every day.

Huh.

That, right there, is the tree

you sit under IF you wanna get

pooped on by squirrels.

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