Hell Baby

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- Home.

- Home.

Here's to low-balling the seller

and still getting 50,000 off

after the home inspection.

We could paint this place

today, sell it tomorrow

and still make money.

Yes, we could.

- I love you, Jack Watson.

- I love you.

Now, let me carry you over

that goddamn threshold.

Ooh! Wait, stop.

- Let's not squander the moment!

- I peed a little bit.

- Oh, God! Really? Eugh!

- No, it's OK. It's just...

The babies are pushing on my bladder.

Will you hand me a

tissue? A paper towel?

- I got it.

- Thanks, baby.

- Hi!

- New, uh...

- Sorry.

- New parents, soon to be.

Jack. Vanessa.

Hi! She pees a lot.

OK.

Come on. Ah! Oh, my God!

If it makes you feel any better,

I just peed a little bit too.

- Jesus, you are fat! Oh, my God!

- Honey! Honey!

Oh, my God!

- Oh!

- Please stop!

Oh! Oh, my God!

- Oh! Ow! Sh*t!

- Sweetie!

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?

I found this lamp up in the attic.

I thought I'd get it working again.

No.

Oh, sh*t! That hurt so bad!

Please, God, let it be.

That thing'll kill somebody.

Alright. Alright.

Oh! I know what I want you to do.

If you have time, I

would really love for you

to paint over the "Ms 13"

graffiti on the front porch,

first thing.

- My God, you're so adorable.

- Why am I...

"Ms 13". It's "MS-13".

Mara Salvatrucha. It's this

gang out of El Salvador.

It's the deadliest gang in the world.

One of the... Don't tell the Crips that.

But they're the deadliest

gang in the world.

So not only is our new house tagged,

it's tagged by a famous gang.

Yeah. It's like Banksy.

You know how much you love Banksy.

It's like that, except, you know,

with knives and face tattoos.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

This is the worst idea of our fives.

The Lower Lower Garden District?

Hm!

People don't even know

this neighbourhood exists.

No, that's actually not

true. That's not true.

White people don't know that

this neighbourhood exists.

This neighbourhood is on the upswing.

I read all about it in "Dwell".

You're not just a little

nervous in this house?

Hey.

There is not one thing to

be afraid of in this house.

- OK?

- OK.

Oh, my God! Honey! Get something!

Goodness gracious,

y'all gave me a fright!

What are you doing out there?

I'm so sorry

- I was just standin' in your breezeway

like some kind

of ne'er-do-well.

Well, come on in. Make yourself at home.

I absolutely will do

that, thank you very much.

Please allow me to introduce

myself. I am Fresnel Edmonds.

I live across the way over here.

And you are Jack and Vanessa!

Jack, you're a PhD student

at Tulane University.

How are you? Vanessa.

You are an occupational therapist

expecting your first baby.

- Yep.

- Wow. You know a lot about us.

Come on, y'all

- you can't move into the 'Maison de Sang'

and not raise a few eyebrows.

- Frenell?

- F'resnel.

It's spelled just like it sounds.

Yeah, F-apostrophe-R-E-S-N-E-L.

It's really nice to meet you.

It's very nice to meet

the two of you as well.

- Sorry we screamed.

- I'm sorry I screamed.

- Did you say 'Maison de Sang'?

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's what

all the locals call it.

That's the name we've been

using for years and years.

Oh! Well, that's cool.

This place has a nickname already.

It's like 'Tara' or 'Twelve Oaks'.

- A little bit like that.

- Well, that's very Southern.

It is very Southern. What does it mean?

- 'House of Blood'.

- What?

'House of Blood'.

And, of course, the

Cajuns, they like to call it

'Lieu O Les Morts

Ne Sommeillent Jamais'.

- Oh, I like that.

- Ain't that pretty?

- I love the sound.

- And what does that one mean?

'Place where the dead never rest'.

Then, of course, there's

also 'Casa Perderosa'.

That's Spanish for 'House of the lost'.

And some call it 'the spooky

old house on down the way'.

But nothin' for y'all

to worry about. No, no.

Nobody has been murdered in

this house in a long time.

I mean, it's not like anybody

got murdered here yesterday.

Wow, see?

Nobody's been murdered here

for a long, long, long time.

- Years, it sounds like.

- I'm sorry. Did I say years?

If I did, I misspoke. There

have been very recent murders.

It's just that, uh, not

any in this calendar year.

By 'calendar year', do

you mean since January?

Exactly. None in this calendar year.

Well, that's four solid months.

Well, give or take.

Probably more like three and

a half, maybe two and a half.

I'll go, like, two months and a week.

But don't get me wrong.

It's a great house.

It got really good bones.

You mean structurally, right?

Not like there's bones

in here someplace!

Sure, sure, Vanessa.

- Let's say that's what I meant.

- Ohhh...

Well, I will now be on my way.

So if y'all need anything,

I'll always be real close by.

Goodnight to you both.

- Goodnight, F'resnel.

- Goodnight, now.

- Oh!

- Baby, can you...

Arggh!

- I apologise.

- Oh, my God! F'resnel!

Almost had the babies right there.

Let me get it. I'm sorry, y'all.

It sticks on the inside.

You gotta jimmy it a bit.

But it's real easy

to get open and closed

and get access to the

home at any point in time

during the day or

night from the outside.

OK. Thanks, F'resnel.

- Goodnight to you, now.

- Thanks. Goodnight.

- We have to get a lock on this.

- I know, I know.

What the f***?

And while confronting the demon

that was inhabiting

the young woman's body,

Father Innocente was...

Himpaled, with an umbrella.

There was blood everywhere.

Not a very fitting end for

such a fine man of the cloth,

to be stab-bed with the

pointy end of an umbrella.

It was actually not the

pointy kind of umbrella.

It was actually one of those

little stubby umbrellas.

It had, like, the logo of

a local radio station on it.

One of those, you know?

It had the face of this

guy they call the Locador.

He's like a crazy

luchador of good times.

And his face was on the umbrella.

The umbrella comes

popping through the chest

of Father Innocente.

It pop open. His heart

still pump for a few beats.

Blood sprays everywhere.

It was not something

you forget right away.

- It's all in the report, sir.

- Yes, about the report.

There is an awful lot of details

about the impaling of Father

Innocente with the umbrella.

Next time, I don't need so many details.

Just, yeah, broad strokes.

- The gist.

- Si.

Eminence, I must tell you this.

It was probably the kind

of umbrella they give you

if you go to an event that

the radio station is hosting.

Swag.

And this is the thing that

popped through the chest.

You know, like the dinosaur. This one.

This is how it pop open,

and blood spray every place.

- It was really, really weird.

- It was really weird.

So weird.

Look, boys, I know this

was a very rough one,

but I may have another job for you.

What is the case?

It's a real doozy.

You're already playing catch-up.

Take a look at that photo.

- So gross.

- Super gross.

- Super gross.

- This is just a photograph.

In real life, it's far more horrifying.

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