Hell Baby Page #2

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Get your asses on the chopper.

We are going to need... some per diem.

You know that's not me, right?

I hope that wasn't for me.

- No, no, no.

- I was reminding myself.

"Go to Accounting. We're

going to need some per diem. "

Level four. The guy down

below. The hunchback.

Yeah, near the fingers of St Peter.

Don't let F'resnel get

to you even for a second.

Let me put it to you this way.

If you were gonna buy a lottery ticket,

which I know you wouldn't,

because we're snobs,

would you buy it from

the same exact 7-Eleven

where the last winning

lottery ticket was sold?

No. That's like lightning

striking the same place twice.

Yeah. Precisely.

So the fact that there have

been a couple of murders here...

- Several.

- Several murders.

The chance of there being one murder

are so slim statistically.

A couple? I mean,

it's almost impossible.

So one more? Forget it.

You're safer than in any of the

murder-free places we've lived.

You coming to bed, baby?

Vanessa?

Sweetie?

Huh.

Hi, Vanessa. This is Dr Marsden.

I was looking at the latest

ultrasound, and I have to say,

I'm... well, I'm not

quite sure how to say this.

I'm horrified.

Not just as a doctor, but as a person.

You need to come to the

office immediately...

Arggh!

Oh! Sh*t! F*** you, lamp!

Don't take no sh*t off that lamp, Jack.

- Thank you, sweetie.

- You're welcome.

Oh, honey. Don't forget.

My sister's coming to

bless the house this week.

I don't know, baby.

That stuffs a little too

Burning Man for me, you know.

Jack. Please.

It's something that she

wants to do for us, OK?

OK.

- Plus Curly Bear left her.

- The Navaho guy?

Mm-hm. He stole all her

credit cards and her car.

- Oh, my God, that's

crazy. - Mm-hm.

- Marjorie has credit cards?

- Jack.

I did not expect that. It

takes a lot to get credit cards.

It takes credit.

- Be nice.

- Who knew?

Be nice. And let her do her Wicca thing.

Eugh! God.

Vanessa!

Yes, darling?

What was in that drink you gave me?

Iced tea, darling.

That's pure paint thinner, baby.

My bad.

You could have killed me.

I'm so sorry.

It's pregnant mommy brain.

I must have misread the bottle.

- Are you feelin' alright?

- What?!

You don't seem alright.

You seem... kind of off.

Me? No!

I feel great.

I've actually never felt better.

Oh!

Whew. Sorry about that.

B*tches be trippin'!

Am I right?

That's some crazy sh*t.

I apologise, man. I just

scared the f*** out of you.

I just woke up in your crawl space

and I was tryin' to tiptoe

through to the bathroom

without bein' seen, and...

It was to no avail. You

know what I'm sayin'?

Did I hear you correctly? You're

sleeping in my crawl space?

Oh, my goodness, yes. Yes.

How can I explain this to you, Jack?

You know that Shakespeare

play where the man says,

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,

"but to thine own self be true"?

Yeah. It's Polonius to Laertes,

'Hamlet', act 1, scene 3.

Well, colour me impressed, Jack Watson.

Colour.

Me.

Im.

Pressed.

Wow.

Hello? Who's there?

Oh, my God.

Hey, Vanessa! I'm gonna take

a nap, alright? I'm beat.

Of course.

Oh! Oh, my God, baby.

Don't, don't, don't!

Oh, my God, no. I can't...

I'm so sweaty. I'm so... I'm...

Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice. Would you do that thing...

Do that thing you did in Cancun.

Do that... Ow! Ow! Oh, my God!

Huh! Oh, G...

Arggh! God! Hey! Careful!

Careful, baby! Ow!

Honey!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Honey, what's wrong?

- Oh, my God!

- I didn't do anything.

- What did you do?!

- I thought it was you.

You thought it was me?

You meant to kill me?

- No.

- Why do you have a boner?

- Honey? What's going an?

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, God. This looks terrible.

- Honey, who is she?

I don't know who she

is! She crept up on me.

- You don't know who she is?

- She crept up on me!

She snuck... I don't know.

I didn't mean to hurt her.

Jack!

No, no, no. We have to...

We have to... We have to...

- She'll be OK.

- She's not OK!

- What?

- She's not OK.

- No, no. She's not dead.

- She is dead.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

- Oh, no.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, God.

- Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

OK. OK.

No. No cops.

Are you insane? I just killed somebody!

Jesus Christ, Jack. Jesus Christ!

When did you start smoking again?

That doesn't matter. Three

hours ago. Let me think, OK?

This woman is dead.

Even if you tell your

side, who would believe it?

You want to be in jail for the

first years of my twins' life?

I've got to tell people

what really happened.

OK. OK. OK, baby.

OK.

What's the story, Jack?

Um... She tried to

perform oral sex on me.

And then I bludgeoned her to

death with a fire-extinguisher.

Holy sh*t! Oh, my God.

It sounds like I mouth-raped

somebody's grandmother

and then murdered her.

You can't go to jail. We

have babies on the way.

Let me think!

Dig.

- Oh, sh*t-balls!

- What?

You're supposed to call

the city before you dig.

There could be gas lines anywhere.

That's real smart, Jack.

Let's call the city and tell them

precisely where we're getting

rid of a corpse from a murder.

That's fair.

- Did you just hear...

- No.

I didn't even finish my

question. You just said no.

I didn't hear anything.

And if you did hear something,

it's probably nothing.

Oh, sh*t! Don't move a muscle.

There's a big f***in'

dog staring right at you.

Invisitis.

Seriously?!

What the f*** is going on right now?!

- You speak bull mastiff?

- Rottweiler.

- Are you crying?

- No.

- You're crying.

- I was dry-crying.

'Cause I was laughing a little bit too.

I want you to see a psychiatrist.

Will that make you feel better?

Yes, it will.

Then OK.

Well, a big hello to you two.

You must be Jack and Vanessa.

Or the other way around?

- I'm Dr Marshall.

- You're... Oh, hi.

I apologise for the

Lance Armstrong outfit.

- I am just nuts about biking.

- Us too.

Really? What kind of bike you got?

Uh...

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

- We don't have bikes.

- At all.

I was just trying to be nice.

Looks like Jack here

might be Mr Cuckoo Pants, not you

- right, Vanessa?

That's fair.

Doctor, you can see the outline

of your penis in those shorts.

Baby, look.

You are 100% right about that, Vanessa.

And I will change.

And then we will open up the hood

and see what's gunkin'

up the works in there, OK?

- How does that sound?

- Sounds good.

Get out of there, you crazy gremlins!

Leave this nice lady alone!

Don't worry, kid. Mommy's

not gonna be crazy forever.

- OK.

- OK.

There you go. Come on in.

Hold on. I'll be right in, OK? Sorry.

- Hello? Jack, my main man!

There are two police officers

right here, right now, in your home.

And they seem really

anxious to speak to you.

I didn't do anything.

That's interesting

that you would say that.

That sounds like a thing

a guilty person would say.

Well, I didn't do anything, OK?

Innocent people say that too.

I'm sure they do.

Wait. How did they find you?

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