Hell Baby Page #3

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Oh, long story.

They knocked on the door

and then I answered it.

At my house?

I just popped in for

a shower. No big deal.

Listen, F'resnel, just get rid

of the cops for now, OK? Please.

They want to talk about Mrs Nussbaum.

Can we not talk about this

on the phone right now?

Get rid of the cops. I'm begging you.

OK. Well, consider it done,

my white brother. Much love.

You're a riot!

Thank you so much, Doctor.

I can't tell you how much

we appreciate it. Thanks.

Whew!

That was fast. What did he say?

That I'm 100% fine.

I'm just stressed out about the babies.

He even wrote me a

prescription for valium.

- Isn't it great?

- What?

Yeah.

Wait.

He actually said "100% fine"?

And then he wrote you a

prescription for valium

even though you're eight

months pregnant with twins?

Yep.

Wow. I'm just stunned, that's all.

I almost don't believe it.

Oh.

Well, if you don't believe me, then...

...why don't you just ask him?

Let me just talk to him real

quick, OK? I'll be right back.

If you don't trust me as the mother...

I'm the mother of your unborn

babies, but no, no, no, no, no.

I want you to go ask.

- I'm sorry.

- No! I want you to ask him.

I trust you. I trust you.

I trust you. I do.

I do. I'm sorry. I just

didn't trust him, you know?

Come on. Let's get you some valium, huh?

Let's get you all valiumed up. Alright?

You're the best.

Help me.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Fathers?

Excuse me. Hi. I hate

to be a pest, but...

Louisiana has some pretty

sticky clean indoor air laws,

and you guys are in major

violation of them right now.

So if you wouldn't mind taking

the cigarettes out of doors...

If we wrap this up in time,

I kind of want to check

out the French Quarter, eh?

Is this a place where the

girls flash their boobies?

Is the Vieux Carr.

It's the original city, founded in 1718.

It's 78 square blocks

that are all protected

in national historic landmark.

It's an area steeped in the history

of the Spanish and the

French and the Civil War.

But it is also the place where

the girls flash their boobies?

Si.

College girls taking their

perky brand-new b*obs out

for a little victory lap.

Sweat of their young bosom

mixing with Jagermeister

and the humidity of the bayou,

jiggling for fool's gold.

Please, my friend, you had

me at "perky new b*obs".

Mmm.

Oh! F***!

I told you, let that thing be.

Is that dog back again?

I do not like that thing

creepin' around here.

I think it's kind of cute.

I'm gonna buy a gun.

- This neighbourhood is nuts.

- Smart, Jack.

Move to the ghetto and

then bring another gun in.

You should have your

NPR tote bag taken away

for comments like that.

Morning, y'all.

- Hi, F'resnel.

- How you doin'?

Jack Watson? Orleans Parish Police.

Hi. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Jack Watson.

I'm sorry. Have I done anything wrong?

You tell us, boy genius. You tell us.

You wouldn't know the whereabouts

of one Ms Elaine Nussbaum?

About 90 years old, 5'9",

missing a couple of teeth?

- Nope. No, I don't.

- Huh. Really?

Has something happened to her?

You tell us.

- I...

- Is that a yes?

- You tell us.

- Tell us.

I don't know anything about her.

If you're gonna ask questions,

should we get a lawyer?

If you're guilty, you

absolutely should. Absolutely.

Don't say another

word. If you're guilty.

So... are you? Are you

guilty, Shakespeare?

Are you, Einstein? Huh?

Let me ask you a question, brainiac.

What did you do that

makes you so nervous?

What did you do, bookworm?

Nothing! I...

I didn't do anything.

Why don't you take a

walk with us, Casanova?

Wait. I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Am I still Casanova?

Because up until now, all

the nicknames have been

"smart guy"-related, and

that's more like "lover boy".

I was trying to come up with

another smart guy and blanked.

Should have said "Stephen Hawking".

So you...

Why don't you take a

walk with us, Molire?

Nice.

So...

Haven't seen Ms Nussbaum in a while?

I'm wondering how you'd explain this.

Oh, my God!

She just wanted to say thank you.

Why does she want to say thank you?

According to her, she got

lost when she was sleepwalking,

you found her, put her down for

a nap, and now she feels fine.

I feel fine!

She lives down at the

nursing home down the block.

She gets out all the time.

- Thought you checked her pulse.

- I did check her pulse!

- Somebody wants a hug.

- No.

It is our duty to

legally enforce that hug.

I'm pretty sure you can't

legally enforce a hug.

- Just suck it up.

- You have to do it.

- Just hug the b*tch, champ.

- Guys, listen, listen...

I don't want to hug her,

OK? Please. She's old.

Hey! That is someone's

great-g rand mother!

Don't! OK. OK. OK. I'll

hug her. I'll hug her.

I'm so glad you're OK, Mrs Nussbaum.

OK. Alright? Great.

Great. OK. OK. Great.

- OK. Guys?

- Act like a lady, Ms Nussbaum.

OK, I need a little

help. She's really strong!

- Act like a lady.

- Be a lady, Mrs Nussbaum.

Knock that sh*t off, Mrs Nussbaum!

She's got her finger

in my ass and it hurts!

Bad Grandma! No!

- Oh! Oh!

- Jeez!

- Arggh!

- Still got it.

Her nails are so sharp.

- You OK?

- I'm sorry about that.

- That was gross.

- Is she alive?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She'll be fine.

The f***ing city turned down the

power on these babies to save money.

These things couldn't kill anybody.

Oh! F***! Sh*t! Ah!

It's not a big thing. You

don't have to worry about it.

Yeah, you don't have to worry about it.

Come on, Ron! Sh*t, man! I got fillings.

F***!

Wow. If you don't need us for

anything else, we should...

- Yeah, that's about it.

- Great. OK. Good.

You know where to find us.

Thanks for helping us sort all this out.

You're welcome.

Still don't know why that old lady

was dazed and covered in dirt, but...

F*** it, right?

Oh, my God!

What just happened?

- I thought she was dead.

- Me too.

To living and learning.

To living and learning.

Ahh! Wow.

I think we have to kill those cops.

- Yeah.

- Honey, they know way too much.

I'm really tired, but I can't

tell if you're joking or not.

I'm fine.

- I didn't ask if you were fine.

- I'm fine.

Need a new bottle.

Can we just tone it down a

little bit with the booze?

Hey.

Judge Judy.

Just everything in moderation, OK?

No more. You win. No wine.

I'm gonna go...

I'm gonna go wash all this

old-lady vagina off me.

Oh, my God. Oh!

I'll be thinking about this guy

next time I'm fighting off a boner.

Man! Check this out.

Gross!

Gross!

Gross!

- Eugh! Gross!

Hey, Father. Thanks for

coming down so quickly.

- Peace be with you.

- And also with you.

Peace be with you.

Yikes.

Our chief called you as

soon as he heard about this.

We get some voodoo

stuff every now and then,

but this just seemed kind of more...

- Biblical.

- Biblical.

- Pretty weird.

- Super, super weird.

- Scusi.

- Be our guest.

Your crime scene. Your crime scene.

Wow. Get any readings off him?

- We don't get readings.

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