Hellbenders

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Father?

Father?

Father?

There is your goddamn evidence.

Is it over?

The light!

Give me the light!

Heavenly God!

We are f***ed.

No, no, no. You can ask

me anything you like.

So, we're here to

talk about exorcism.

I beg your pardon?

Exorcism.

Exorcism is extremely rare.

A ritual that requires

training and faith

and the authorization

of a bishop.

But let's not confuse

faith with superstition.

It is impossible to deny the existence

of demonic phenomenon.

As much as we try to shuffle off on brain

chemistry or psychology,

demons move among us.

This is fact.

No, no, no, no.

The idea that

debauchery and evil

can be confronted and defeated

by greater debauchery

and evil is heresy.

Any rumors of some sort of team

of hell bound exorcists are just that.

They simply do not exist.

So, yeah. The Pope is dead.

He was a pious guy.

No idea who

the new boss will be,

and how it will roll

down on the parish.

You're a dog.

Page four news.

Ain't that some sh*t?

Sad state of the world, man.

Hope Angus doesn't

let it ruin his birthday.

We really wanted to go

whole hog this year.

You know, tie one on,

drag it around until it is dead.

Angus loves cake

like a fat kid,

so I got to get him a cake.

Problem is,

cake ain't exactly a sin.

A little bit of gluttony maybe,

but that is some

candy-ass sinning.

Hey! That's mine.

That's my paper.

Oh, it's cool.

I will get it back to you.

But it's mine.

You just can't...

Hey, you want to come down here

and f***ing do something about it?

Father!

I ain't your f***ing dad!

You do not mess

with a man of God.

But I found this place

you can get cake

that ain't just some bullshit

cardboard thing, but an actual cake.

With a stripper

jumping out of it,

which makes it a sinful cake

and puts us on the work budget.

Hi, Miss Rainey.

Wow, look at that.

Is the girl inside already?

No, she doesn't get in

until the party.

Mmm.

What are you up to?

You know, a little lust.

Little sloth.

Cool. Little envy

on this end.

We had sex once.

Once. Ages ago.

Eleven months ago on Tuesday.

It was my second night here.

It was a passionless affair.

First time I tried crack.

Guys! I am trying to

concentrate here.

I'm married.

Penelope, my wife...

I mean, we are mad about each other.

Like teenagers, really.

I am going to be sick.

Hey, babe.

I was going to fry some eggs.

Do you want some eggs?

I want to go home.

Mmm.

What's good, Erik?

I wasn't doing anything.

That's cool.

Oh, my God.

I hate him so much.

I hate Larry so much.

Like Nazi cancer hate.

Can you believe that

Elizabeth had sex with him?

Him? F***!

That's so messed up.

Expenditures have to

match transgression,

especially with

a new Holy Father.

I mean, we have all

been falling behind.

I don't think any of us are

damnation ready except for Angus and I.

You? You're more

damnation ready than me?

Yes, sure I am.

How do you figure?

I mean, look,

gluttony, wrath, pride.

You're pretty solid,

but you've got one count...

One count of lust.

Granted, you were cheating on

your wife, but it's over a year old.

That's not going to fly, Larry.

You can't go to hell...

Speak of the devil.

Yeah, this applies

to you too, Elizabeth.

Last six months, you have been here

for some gluttony, pretty constant mast...

Mast... You know,

just all sorts of stuff.

Nothing serious.

You are still new here...

I am a woman

and you're a Catholic,

everything I do is a sin.

How are you sinning more

than me, huh?

You are not going to pull

that whole shellfish in Leviticus sh*t

on me again, are you?

Stephen, what the f***, man?

It's wrath.

Hey, Cecilia is here.

You hit like a girl.

What?

Your stripper.

You a**hole.

What the hell was that for?

Wrath. Wrath.

Wrath.

Stop flapping your

cocksucker at me,

you god-forsaken

slug stain of Onan.

A good Pope just died,

and the new Pope is a f*ggot.

This world is

f***ed for salvation.

Sure. But me and the guys,

we put a little birthday thing together.

Christ's birthday ain't

for another week!

Christmas?

Angus, it's April.

Your birthday is today.

Hmm.

Augustine Interfaith Order

of Hellbound Saints, Brooklyn Parish.

That's Bernard Weinberg.

Hand me the f***ing phone!

Bernard Weinberg?

You sure?

Ah.

Yes, understood,

Your Excellency.

Rabbi Weinberg. F***.

They said he was a librarian.

A rabbi is a rabbi is a rabbi.

The laws of man mean sh*t

to the Prince of Darkness.

Men of God are

Satan's Pearl Harbor.

It's where he starts wars.

I am going to need a second.

Who is damnation ready?

I'm five for seven.

Get your kit.

So my partner took the one witness

he had down to the hospital.

They think they can

get the four fingers

re-attached back

on to his hand

if they can get them

out of him in time.

Not sure

about the fifth finger.

No flashing lights, no helicopters.

We don't want the press.

Hey, hey, I get it.

Don't worry.

I'm gonna have to

lock you guys in there.

If I do not hear anything

by dawn...

I am going to have to

call in SWAT team.

If we are not out by dawn,

burn the whole f***ing building down.

And here, in case you find

the other finger.

Oh, and there is an ear. There

should be an ear in there, too. Okay?

Are you damnation ready?

Absolutely?

Uh...

You got any Eucharist?

F*** you, cracker.

I'm ready.

What the hell?

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Where is my master?

Sh*t!

I command you!

In the name of God!

Once and for all consign

that fallen tyrant into the flames of hell!

We know what you like.

Christ compels you back

into the pit!

And all your whores, Father Anus,

you sodomite! Strike terror, Lord,

into the beast

laying waste your vineyard!

You are as steeped in filth

as any of the damned!

Abso-f***ing-lutely!

And I will see all you

cocksuckers in hell.

I got him! Do it!

I compel you, unclean spirit,

and all your minions...

I command you to obey me!

I, a minister of God,

despite my unworthiness...

Larry, holy water.

I only brought one.

Oh.

Help me!

Where is my master?

Judas!

My master wants a man of God!

He will get one.

What are you doing?

We're going to hell together.

No!

Take me.

I welcome you in.

You and all your minions.

I had to find

the Bible section.

King James, motherf***er!

Let's finish this.

I am only the hound of Surtr.

Good for you. Send us a postcard

from hell, huh? Let him talk.

I am only the hound of Surtr.

I flush the game.

Where is my master?

Thirty pieces of silver

for your services.

My master wants a man of God.

A weak man of God.

Lawrence.

F*** you, Satan!

No, stop!

No, no, no, stop!

Oh, f***!

Toes for a thumb!

Toes for a thumb!

Rub Mommy's feet, Larry.

Bring Mommy a glass of wine.

Angus!

Angus!

It's done.

Jesus, he bit your toe off.

Man, you are some detective.

Hey, don't be an a**hole!

I'm borrowing your mace.

What in the name of God...

What the f*** were you

doing, Weinberg?

What? What?

Angus?

Call me Father.

I am doing God's work.

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