Hellbenders Page #2

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Did you summon a f***ing demon?

And what the f***

is all this about?

We're still here.

We're still here.

Hey, give me that!

That is enough!

I am shackled to this a**hole.

Hey, lay off that.

Don't touch me.

I had a vision.

This city...

The whole country was on fire.

Oceans burnt.

Surtr cracked the gates.

Flames swallowed the world.

Surtr. What is that?

It's like kabbalah or something?

Surtr is an old god.

Norse, I think.

A bad one.

He revels in blasphemy.

So I gave him a man of Adonai,

days after the death

of your pope.

He should have taken me.

Yeah, well, you f***ed that up.

You got ridden by

some pissant jerk-off of a demon,

complaining about

who his master was.

Why didn't he take me?

It's time to burn.

He is a macaroon.

I was wrong.

Thank God, I was wrong.

The Church certainly has some troubles in

the modern world, eh.

But they're still powerful.

It can still cover up a story.

So tell us about

the library incident.

The library incident

was a kairotic moment

in the spiritual fabric of the world.

We had been tracking

Norse blasphemies since the late '90s,

following a chain of arson and murder

across the Netherlands

committed in the name of Surtr.

We had expected a return.

We had no idea

how bad it would get.

Oh, monkey f***!

I think he looks like

a pretty good pope.

If you like secular Philistine

money-changing cocksuckers.

I think he looks nice.

Everything is going to change.

Doorbell!

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Doorbell!

Yeah, yeah.

Hello, I'm Clint LaPierre.

I am here under the auspices of

the Brooklyn Diocese.

Oh, welcome, welcome.

Please.

Everyone, this is Clint.

The Bishop sent him.

What's good, Clint?

I need to speak to

the senior deacon.

Yeah, you do not want

to talk to Angus, man.

What's that smell?

Did you know there was

never any super heroes named Clint?

Did you?

I need to speak to

whosever in charge.

There's a new Holy Father

and the Bishop has

received orders directly from the top.

We have to clean our house...

Shut up. Shut up.

...and you, Augustine

Hellbound Saints.

There's next to nothing

in the official records.

So, again...

Who's in charge?

Uh...

This guy right here.

He is the man.

Hi.

Reverend Stephen Vargas.

You can call me Stephen.

Reverend. The Rev.

Just rub that in, that's lotion.

This way.

This way. This way.

Can I go down on you?

No.

Come on!

I will.

How do you do?

Thirty years... Sh*t!

He's 30 years off!

Angus, I'd like to

introduce you to...

Get this cocksucker

out of my sight.

What?

I'm working!

Who do you think

you're talking...

Who does he think

he is talking to?

I can spot a cocksucker

in a lineup.

That guy is as good as

wearing a crotch wool vandyke.

Where's Larry?

Larry!

I just can't sit at home

thinking about what you are doing here.

I already have...

Oh, baby, come on. No, no, no.

No, I already have too many directions

that I can backslide into.

Sh*t, I just...

Larry! Yeah, of course

I want you at home.

Larry, look, I need your eyes.

I'm in the middle of

something right now.

Weinberg said he was

trying to summon Surtr.

S-U-R-T-R.

The architect of Ragnarok,

the old Norse Apocalypse,

would be specifically

targeting men of God.

But the enumerating

cocksucker f***ed the math!

It should have shown up

30 years ago!

Now, this part...

What's he talking about?

Old gods.

Worse than demons or the damned.

Larry...

Old gods? That's...

That's blasphemous!

That's our job, you android.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I am on the seduction

message board.

It's about how

if you insult a girl,

but then you give her

an expensive gift,

then she is honor bound to

let you go down on her.

Or did you mean the thing

with the brick?

Oh, I am conditioning my knuckles for

direct striking capabilities.

Are you the only sane one here?

Oh, I do a lot to

hold this place together.

Cream?

Yeah.

Macon, you in there?

Clint... Mr. LaPierre

would like to ask you some questions.

Macon?

He is a napper.

He naps.

If he is gone, I can

just show you some of his stuff.

Macon, I am opening the door.

Oh!

Oh, hey guys.

In or out? The rabbit

is going to escape.

Thanks.

So, yeah, we could

be doing things a lot more efficiently.

But the closest

we have to somebody in charge is Angus.

I mean, he's not

the manager type, you know?

Did you go to school

for management?

No. What's this?

This is our sin ledger. It's how

we make sure we are damnation ready.

Seven Deadly Sins,

Ten Commandments.

We try to...

Well, I try to make sure

that everybody is

at least four and six in.

Four and six?

Sins. We're sinners.

But you're supposedly

men of God.

Exactly.

And for the demons who can't

get cast out, sort of a nuclear option.

If you have tried everything else,

you can always invite possession

and take the devil to hell

with you through suicide.

But you got to

deserve hell, right?

I mean, you can't even

get possessed

unless you are in

a morally compromised state.

Okay, let me understand this.

You live a life of sin

to get possessed

and then kill yourself

and literally drag a demon back to hell?

There's no other way.

We're willing to make

that sacrifice.

I don't...

I don't under...

Clint?

No. No, no, no.

No, no!

It takes a great deal

of discipline.

Yeah, I do most of

the record keeping.

I mean, I am really

the only one that even bothers.

Hold on.

It looks Larry has

been slacking off.

We should check on this.

Come on, this way.

Hey.

Hey, Stephen,

I am stealing something, man.

You put it in the book.

Oh!

"If a vortex of sin cracks

the gates of hell,

"the righteous blood sacrifice

breaks them wide."

Right. Righteous, righteous.

That would mean man of God.

So Surtr would possess

a man of God, a priest,

and then sacrifice himself

to shatter the gates of hell.

Knock, knock.

So, guys, me and Clint

were going through the records...

And Larry, you haven't

been keeping up.

I mean, if somebody were

to perform last rites while you were dying,

it would be enough

maybe for admittance to purgatory.

Judas.

Why?

I mean, why bother

even keeping records

if not to know

if we are losing discipline?

I think you would

want to know that he is not performing

at his best ability.

I mean, look!

All right, all right,

I have been falling behind.

Thanks for the heads up.

Penelope has been going to AA.

I'm... I'm just trying to be there for her.

F***ing what?

She thinks she has a problem.

Her?

She has a problem?

Yeah.

You need to put spirituality

before uxorial guilt.

And discipline before all!

I'm sinning all the time.

All I do is sin, man.

F*** your driveling

misdemeanors!

I'm talking about

quality of sin here.

Murder. Infidelity.

When was the last time

you cheated on your wife?

Eleven months ago.

Boy, I had to pay for that one.

"Hellbound" and "saint"

are not words to be taken lightly.

Now, you must be looking

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