Hello Ladies: The Movie

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Hello, ladies. Hi, my name's Stuart.

- My good friend Wade right here.

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Ashleigh.

- Hi.

- This is Mel.

- How's it going?

- How's your night going?

- Good.

Someone just mistook her for Mila Kunis.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yes, you do look like Mila, doesn't she?

- Yeah.

- And you look like someone famous as well.

- Really?

- Yeah, who is it?

- I know who it is.

- It's a movie star, isn't it?

- Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's Jude Law.

- Jude Law.

He's a man.

Beautiful man, though, isn't he?

- Gorgeous Jude.

- Definitely.

Hey, if Jude Law were

a woman, I'd date him.

There you go. Now, this guy's choosy.

You should see his ex-wife... beautiful.

- Sorry.

- Oh, don't worry.

Honestly, they'd be

lucky to have you, mate.

- I'm just pleased you're back on the horse.

- Yeah.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- Oh, man, we're all so old.

- Ugh.

You're 30 and I'm turning 26 next year.

- Yup, both of us. So old.

- Yeah.

- So how are you?

- Oh, I'm really good.

Yeah, I just booked a part in the

new Steven Spielberg miniseries.

- Oh, my God!

- Yeah.

- Congratulations. Wow.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, what about you?

- Oh, you know, just this and that.

Don't be modest. She has a

callback for a yogurt commercial.

- Yeah?

- Cool.

I love yogurt.

Oh, yeah, it's good for digestion.

Can I just say how much I love your dress?

Yes, you said that when

you hit on me an hour ago.

Oh, did I...

- And no change in the last hour?

- No.

- No, all right.

- You're not drinking tonight?

- I have a surprise for you guys.

- What?

We're having a baby.

- You wanna see a picture?

- Yeah.

- Oh, it's gorgeous.

- Thank you.

- It's so pretty.

- You know, it looks just like you.

Oh, really? Thank you.

- Oh, yeah. Wow.

- Oh.

- Be your turn next.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- I don't think so.

- We always use protection.

- You know the singer Bryan Adams,

right? - Yeah.

Did you know he can make

a girl come in 30 seconds?

- Ohh. - No, no. No one can make

a girl come in 30 seconds.

Oh, really? So you don't

want to know how he does it?

- Well, I will as I'm here.

- It's all in the fingers.

How do you know Bryan

Adams' fingering technique?

So a lot of people have been

coming up to me and saying, like,

"So what's the deal with you and Glenn?"

- Have they?

- Yeah.

- What do you say when people ask you that?

- Nobody asked me that.

Well, yeah, but, I mean, if

they did, what would you say?

I'd tell them to mind their own business.

Well, okay, yeah, but hypothetically,

if they made you answer,

what would you say?

- How would they make me? - If they

had a knife to your throat or something?

- I don't know.

- I'd rather go to the grave

than give them the

satisfaction of intimidating me.

Good for you.

Happy birthday.

- Yeah.

- Here we go.

Okay.

- Did you make a wish? - No, I'm not

wishing for you to have a threesome, Stuart.

- You're so selfish.

- Hello?

- Hello, Stuey?

- Yeah, who's this?

- It's Trudy.

Guess what, I'm coming to Los Angeles.

Just a little boy

lost looking for a lamb

In the all-night city

Living in his lonely limousine

And though he never has to worry

He's the only one and only one

He's ever gonna need

Absolutely, he's in definite need

Ooh, maybe we've

been alone too long

You don't want to be lonely

Maybe we've been alone too long

You don't want to be lonely.

Okay, we're set.

And action.

- You're enjoying the yogurt.

- Mm.

Okay, could you do that sexier?

- Mm.

- No, sexier.

Mm.

- Are you doing your sexy?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's your sexy?

- Yeah.

Okay, we're gonna leave the sexy for now.

- Ahem.

- Okay.

We're gonna have this

cartoon yogurt monster

and he's gonna chase you around

and try to steal your yogurt.

Can we show her the picture of Yogi?

This is the yogurt monster.

Okay, so imagine that

Yogi is standing behind you

and you're scared.

Okay, you're not that

scared. He's not a rapist.

Once again, please.

- Ahh.

- That's better.

He's come after you now and you're running.

- Oh, ah.

- Yeah, gotta run, gotta run from Yogi.

- Ah, whoa.

- Just keep going in a circle.

You're trying to sort of confuse him.

Kind of confuse the monster.

- Please go faster. Is that...

- Okay.

Is that really all you can do there?

- I just want to see a real amount

of speed here. - Yeah.

- And now you've fallen over.

- Oh.

There you go.

And he's coming up and...

oh, no, he's got your yogurt.

And you are furious about this and

you're shaking your fist at him.

Oh, Yogi.

No speaking. There's no dialog in this.

It's very important that you never speak.

Let's have you on your back and

sort of kick your legs up in the air.

Like a cockroach.

If you saw a disgusting cockroach,

you sprayed it with bug spray, and

now it's on its back just slowly dying.

Yup, just like a dirty,

little cockroach. There you go.

This is Glenn.

- Hey, Glenn. It's Stuart.

- Chicken Wings.

What's going on, buddy?

Oh, I'll tell you, mate, I'm

afraid I've come a-begging.

Got quite an important date coming up

and I need a super hot

chick to take with me.

I wondered if you had any sweet-ass

honeys you could send my way.

- Yeah, I can get you a prostitute.

- Mm.

No, no. I was thinking

more a friend or a client.

- Relative.

- Yeah.

I don't know if you have a sister,

but if she's half as attractive

as you, I'd be interested.

- I'm an only child.

- Damn.

- That's a no.

- Do you know Alan Randall?

- No.

- Yes.

- Who... yeah.

- Yeah, no, we...

- no, wait, no.

- Not sure I do.

Bigwig in finance. He's a great guy.

He's having a boat party this Saturday.

Wall-to-wall models and bottles.

I could probably get you an invite.

You've intrigued me, sir.

- Our interests are piqued, sir.

- You can put my name on the list.

- Hey, your roommate just showed up.

- Oh, hey, Jessica.

- Hi, Jessica.

- Hi, Rory.

- Hi, Stuart.

- Got to jump off.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Boat party.

Sorry, you know you're not coming?

- I know, I just love that song.

- Oh.

- Who sings that?

- I just made it up.

- You just made that up?

- Yeah.

That's... are you... that's one of

the best songs I've ever heard.

- What?

- Yeah. That should be on the radio.

- Oh, really? Thanks.

- Yeah, it's great.

Boat party, boat party.

I came to L.A. to be Meryl Streep,

not to get chased around by

some stupid yogurt monster.

Well, you don't become

Meryl Streep overnight.

I've been here for 10 years.

Acting just doesn't make me happy anymore.

Constantly being judged and competing

with 100 other girls

for some three-line role.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm quitting.

Just... let's take a beat.

Okay?

Come here.

Are you texting?

No. It's just a quick e-mail.

You know, I'm not sure I want this either.

I'm not even sure I know what this is.

- This is just two people...

- Having fun.

Yeah, I got it.

Glenn, can you just be

honest with me for once?

Is this ever gonna be a real relationship?

I can definitely

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