Hello Ladies: The Movie Page #2

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foresee a time when we

could approach the prospect

of that being an eventuality.

Good-bye, Glenn.

- Wait a sec...

- And I really am quitting acting,

so also, you're fired.

Wha... Jessica, come on.

Jessica.

Jessica!

- So what are you gonna do instead

of acting? - I have no idea.

- What does Glenn think?

- I don't care. I broke up with him.

- Why?

- Because he's an a**hole.

I am looking for the one.

And the one doesn't just call

you when he's feeling horny.

- Okay, I know what you're thinking.

- What?

You're wondering if you can

still hang out with Glenn.

How can you say that? That's...

my allegiance is to you.

Come on.

Although he was gonna take me

to a boat party over the weekend.

- Oh, Stuart, you are unbelievable.

- Oh, come on.

No, no, no. Stop. There's

going to be models there.

There's going to be models there.

What is your obsession with models?

I need to date a model

within the next three weeks.

Or what happens? Do the kidnappers

kill the president's daughter?

No.

All right, if I tell you,

you can't tell anyone else.

Oh, who would I tell? Who's

interested in your sex life?

- Loads of people.

- Oh, yeah? Name three.

Kives, my parents,

the computer world.

- They're really interested? - Yes, they're

very... it's a very gossipy environment.

- Wow. - Because they've got

nothing else to live for, have they?

Just nerds. Nerds going, "I wonder

who Stuart's having sex with?"

Well, listen, all right, I'll tell you.

I used to be kind of

awkward when I was at school

and never really knew how to talk to girls.

Even if a girl did talk to me,

it was normally just to fill the time

until someone better came along.

Drink!

Then at college, it was

pretty much the same story.

- Ooh, hang on.

- Who's next?

I'll have a go, yeah.

I'd do anything

to impress some random girl

that I didn't even know the name of.

After college, I got a

job at an I.T. company

and I met this girl there.

Her name was Trudy and

we started going out.

And Trudy was great.

She was really sweet and smart

and we were just sort of

in tune with each other.

Like this salesman, Mike

Moffet, joined the company...

total alpha male, loud and brash.

You know, all the rest of it.

Trudy and I used to laugh

about what a dick he was.

And then, I remember, about three

months after Mike joined the company...

Oh, sorry.

So sorry.

That's when I decided

to move here, you know?

Reinvent myself.

Stuart 2.0.

Hello, ladies. My name's Stuart.

With me, my good friend Wade.

Hello, ladies. Pleasure. Wade.

Hi, pleasure. Wade. Nice to meet you.

- Are you...

- Stuart, Stuart!

I got it, I got it.

So what happened to Mike and Trudy?

They got married

and I haven't seen them since I came here.

But Trudy called me when

we were at your birthday

and they're coming out

here in about three weeks.

Well, how does the model help?

'Cause I want them to see me with a

beautiful woman on my arm, you know?

I want Mike to be really jealous

and I want Trudy to go back thinking

she should never have let me go.

I want them to think that I've won at life.

Well, you may hang out with Glenn.

And I hope you find

what you're looking for.

- And I hope you find what you're

looking for. - Thank you.

- To Jessica 2.0.

- Jessica 2.0.

Whoo!

Feel the heat

Burning you up

Ready or not

Some like it hot and some

sweat when the heat is on

Some feel the heat and

decide that they can't go on

Some like it hot...

- So how you holding up?

- With what?

You know, with you and Jessica.

Oh, yeah. That was too bad.

She really knows her way around a penis.

I want to introduce you to Alan.

Don't look him directly in

the eye. He's weird about that.

Alan, I want to introduce

you to a friend of mine.

This is Stuart.

Honor and a pleasure to meet you, sir.

I brought you this gift.

- I don't want that.

- A thousand apologies.

Alan, these are some of my

friends. This is Madison.

- Madison, pleasure to meet you.

- Hi.

- Jasmine.

- Jasmine, delighted.

Hi.

And Joan.

- How's it going?

- Meet you guys at the bar.

I thought we said we were

going to make it all 10s.

That last one was, what, six?

Yeah, sorry.

Go on, boys. Have some fun.

Don't flush your condoms.

It fucks up the plumbing.

I guess I feel adrift.

I've spent 10 years telling

everyone I'm an actress

and now that I'm not,

I don't know what I am.

Or what my purpose in life is.

What led you away from

the church to begin with?

Oh, well, I remember when I was a kid,

I asked the pastor how

Jesus rose from the dead...

like, physically, how could he do that?

And he sort of just dodged the question.

And that frustrated me.

Well, sometimes we ask

questions when we're young

only to find the answers when we're older.

Yeah.

So how did he rise from the dead?

He just did.

Okay.

Is there any other questions I can answer?

No, I'm good.

You got me in the

belly of your beast

Hope you spare me...

- Do you shave your testes?

- Every day.

And what is that, is that a wet shave?

- Hi, Glenn.

- Hey, baby.

Stop the presses.

- Blimey, who's that?

- Tatiana Ludnova.

- Come on, I'll introduce you.

- Hang on.

That's the big leagues.

Got any words of advice you could give?

All right, first off, Google her.

- Right. Why...

- Got to get intel.

Check her Instagram.

Her with her dogs.

Skiing at New Year.

- You're all set.

- Am I?

When you start talking to her,

there's three things you need to do...

one, establish a connection,

two, break the touch barrier, and

three, sexualize the conversation.

And four, don't be a p*ssy.

Connection, touch,

sexualize, p*ssy. I've got it.

- Hey, Tatiana, you like dogs, right?

- Yes.

- My buddy Stuart loves dogs.

- Woof.

You two should talk.

Connection established,

break the touch barrier.

- Nice to meet you.

- You, too.

Yes, dogs.

When you went skiing at New Year,

what do you do, do you

put them in kennels or...

How do you know I went skiing on New Year?

I think I just guessed.

- Or maybe you're psychic.

- No, there's no such thing.

- Well, I'm psychic.

- Are you really?

There must be some truth

to it. There has to be.

- Absolutely.

- Right.

- One time my father was flying to Omsk...

- Oh, yeah?

...I had a dream that

his plane would crash.

So my father didn't fly.

The next week, the same flight crashed.

F*** off. That's terrifying.

Oh, my God. Jeez, you

must be... are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Wow.

I mean, it's basically

a jewelry line for men.

But my main thing is an actor,

- but everybody says that out here, right?

- Yeah, totally.

I actually just gave up acting.

Oh, no way. What do you do now?

- That's a good question.

- Thank you.

Yeah, just, um, trying

to figure it out, I guess.

- Yeah. - You know, I actually

went to church earlier.

- But, eh, I don't really think

that's for me. - I totally feel you.

You know, I tried

Christianity, I tried Buddhism.

F***ed around with Islam for a little bit,

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