Hens Night

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1

(music box handle creaking)

(gentle music)

(breathing heavily)

(deep electronic music)

Alright, for those of

you who don't know me,

I am Tom's better looking best friend man.

(laughing)

We're very close to midnight so I wanted

to get the hosts up here

'cause they have something

special to say, Tom and Jess.

Hey guys.

(cheering)

So, as many of you know,

or probably don't know,

over the past two years,

Jess and I have been having

a lot of premarital sex.

(cheering)

And I have come to this

conclusion, she is too good for me.

- That's true.

- So...

Me being as selfish as

I am, I proposed, and...

She said yes.

(cheering)

Alright that's enough.

(laughing)

More importantly though,

let's raise our glass

and cheers Tom and Jess.

Cheers.

(cheering)

Now everyone grab a kissing partner

'cause it's almost the countdown,

- get ready to smooch.

- Pair up, you two.

Alright get ready, everyone.

10, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two,

one, happy New Year!

(cheering)

(rock music)

Living life on the edge now

I don't know if we can move now

'Cause I'm in this break now

It's time to fetch me my crown now

Some time to fetch me my crown now

With lush lips

Living large

F*** you princess

I am in charge

I wanna love ya

I wanna ruin ya

I wanna rule

(squeals)

No.

(rock music)

Vengeful spirit, look down my feet

But she's saying I'm knowing the truth

More boob.

- Perfect.

- Yeah.

Revenge is so sweet, eyes on my feet

Eyes were naked as truth

Damn

I wanna love ya

I wanna ruin ya like a fool

Wow.

Are you serious?

You'll have to fight guys off all night.

- Girls too.

- I hope so.

Okay.

Yeah, we're gonna have fun

tonight and it looks like

you're going golfing.

All slutty.

Slutty golfing's a real

thing, Kim, you know.

All the wedges and the woods.

Don't forget the holes.

- Ah the holes.

- Okay they're fun.

Alright guys have fun, take care of her.

- Alright, gotta go.

- Okay, bye.

Have fun tonight, touch some b*obs.

- Seriously?

- Of course.

- Okay.

- Let's go, limo's waiting.

- Hey!

- Hey!

I'm so excited, I've

never been in a limo

that wasn't headed to

a funeral or something.

Oh sh*t, I forgot, we have

an extra stop to make.

- Driver.

- Yes, ma'am.

Can you make an extra stop

at the corner of Hadingfield.

[Driver] Yes, ma'am.

Laura's in town and I

told her she could come.

Excuse me, you did what?

She's not that bad.

She's creepy, like a child

stuck in an adult's body.

Oh yeah, you know what else is creepy?

Your mom still pays your rent.

Yep.

Don't be jealous.

I think it's kind of

cool that you and Laura

are engaged at the same time.

Yeah, what a coincidence.

So hostile.

She's like a weird little unicorn kid.

Very special.

She's family.

She's a stranger, you

don't know her or her fiance.

So I'll get to know her and her fiance.

Now let's drop it, we're here.

Hi!

[Jess] Hi!

- Hi!

- Hi!

- Hi!

- Hi!

Wow, look at you, beautiful as ever.

Aw thank you.

So now that we're all here,

to my sister from another mister.

(clinks)

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Thank you, this is way too much though.

Please keep it, spend it on

something awesome, okay, like,

hookers and blow or something.

(laughs)

So it's like nothing much,

but I heard you might like them.

Aww.

Aw, cute.

I have the same one at home.

Thank you, Laura, I love it.

Oh (laughs).

Holy cow.

Tom gave you this?

Well yeah.

You weren't wearing

it at your little party.

Well no, 'cause it was

supposed to be a surprise.

[Laura] Look at mine.

Oh wow, Laura, that was your mom.

Yeah, Peter, you know,

he went shopping for rings,

but all the store bought

ones are so (mumbles).

He thought I deserved better.

Well it is a pretty great ring.

Kim, whatever happened to that guy

that was pining after you

at the New Year's party?

Which one?

(laughs)

You had a nickname for him?

Cries when he, you know.

Fucks?

(laughs)

Yeah, what happened to Roger?

Why does he cry when he?

- Fucks?

- Yeah.

(laughing)

I don't know, it might be

Catholic guilt or something.

Supposedly he ordains

weddings in his spare time,

like who does that?

Maybe he can ordain mine.

Or mine.

No, I don't know.

We f***ed one time and he just

laid there crying afterwards.

Clearly it's 'cause

you're painfully tight.

No.

He got all clingy, so.

I don't know, I just got up and left.

That's awkward.

Maybe it was a good experience for him

and he thought it was beautiful.

No, I was there, it wasn't

beautiful, it was very sad.

He must be alone a lot.

Alright, ladies, time to

get messy, let's roll out.

Where are we going?

To a dive bar.

Why didn't we take the limo?

Because the bar's just down the street

and I need to work off

that food we just ate.

And the wine.

You smoke?

Only when I drink.

But she drinks all the time.

(laughs)

Well look at this sorry group of guys.

- Well hello ladies.

- How you doing?

Are we enjoying ourselves tonight?

[Charles] Hello Jessica.

Hi Charles.

For God sake Jessica,

don't cover yourself up

on my account.

Never be ashamed of your sexuality.

Dad!

Oh Charles, she's

always had body issues,

it's not because of you.

Hi Tom.

Would you guys mind if

I borrowed Jess for a sec?

Ah, you have one minute max.

We have an orgy to get to.

[Tom] Oh.

I thought we were going to a dive bar.

(laughs)

[Charles] Well have

a good night, ladies.

We'll see you down at the pub then, son.

So, you guys look like you're

having a good time tonight.

We are, are you?

Why do you look so sober?

'Cause I am, my boss called and I have

to fly to Atlanta tomorrow morning.

For how long?

A couple days, maybe a week.

No, I don't want you to go.

And also I got a spider gag as a gift.

I don't know what that is.

Yeah, you do, we talked, you know the...

- We did?

- Yeah.

Oh.

(laughs)

Okay then, I'm down.

Can you at least come

say bye in the morning?

[Tom] I will, I promise,

I'll check in in the morning.

Okay?

And listen, I want you to

have a really good time tonight

and, go see some big b*obs.

It's not a bachelor party unless you get

to see some big b*obs.

Then let me see your b*obs.

You need to get out more.

[Woman] Alright, break it up.

Aw, I gotta go.

Gotta go see some b*obs.

[Jess] Yeah, if I'm lucky.

- Listen, I love you.

- I love you.

- Go have fun.

- Okay.

(rock music)

[Woman] There she is.

Hey.

I'm so sorry I couldn't be here earlier.

Mike sucks, I swear he can't (mumbles).

[Woman] I'm just glad that you're here

and you're not pregnant.

[Woman] You're not are you?

God no, he keeps trying

but I just drove myself

through birth controls pills.

Tricking your husband into

lots of sex for no reason.

- I like it.

- It's the only way.

Hey what can I get you ladies?

Everyone or just me?

Tray of tequila, ladies?

And a bunch of beer to wash it down.

You got it, yeah.

[Woman] Wow, this place.

I actually have something for you.

(gasps) Oh my god, I forgot about that.

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