Her Page #2

But what makes me "me"

is my ability to grow through my experiences.

So basically, in every moment, I'm evolving.

- Just like you.

- Wow.

That's really weird.

- Is that weird? Do you think I'm weird?

- Heh.

Kind of.

Why?

Well, you seem like a person,

but you're just a voice in the computer.

I can understand how the limited perspective of

an un-artificial mind would perceive it that way.

- You'll get used to it.

- Ha, ha.

Was that funny?

- Yeah.

- Heh.

Oh, good, I'm funny.

So how can I help you?

Oh. It's just more that everything

just feels disorganized. That's all.

You mind if I look

through your hard drive?

Um...

- Okay.

-Okay, let's start with your e-mails.

You have several thousand e-mails

regarding LA Weekly.

- You haven't worked there in many years.

- Oh, yeah. I think I was just saving those...

...because I thought maybe I wrote

something funny in some of them.

Yeah, there are some funny ones.

I'd say there are about 86 that we should save.

We can delete the rest.

- Okay.

-Okay? Can we move forward?

- Yeah, let's do that.

- Okay.

Before we address your organizational

methods, I'd like to sort through your contacts.

You have a lot of contacts.

I'm very popular.

Really?

Does this mean you actually have friends?

You just know me so well already.

- Good morning, Theodore.

- Good morning.

Um, do you know how to proofread?

Yeah, of course.

Uh, can you check these

for spelling and grammar?

Mm-hm. Just send them over.

I love this first one

from Roger to his girlfriend.

- That's so sweet.

- Yeah.

"Rachel, I miss you so much,

it hurts my whole body."

You don't have to read it out loud.

Okay-

- I mean, you could if you want.

- Okay.

"Rachel, I miss you so much,

it hurts my whole body.

The world is being unfair to us.

The world is on my sh*t list.

As is this couple that is making out

across from me in this restaurant.

I think I'm going to have

to go on a mission of revenge.

And I must beat up the world's face

with my bare knuckles...

...making it a bloody, pulpy mess.

And I'll stomp on this couple's teeth...

...reminding me of your sweet, little,

cute, crooked tooth that I love."

I think that might be my favorite one.

I did the corrections in red.

I altered a couple phrases in the letters...

...but I'm not much of a poet,

so I think I might have messed them up a bit.

- No, these are great.

- Really?

Thank you.

SAMANTHA". So to write your letter,

what did Roger send you?

He just said he was in Prague

on a business trip, and he missed Rachel.

So how'd you know

about her crooked little tooth?

Well, I've been writing their letters

since they met eight years ago.

The first letter I ever wrote for him

was for her birthday.

And I wrote about her crooked little tooth,

because I saw it in a photo of them.

That's very sweet.

Oh, uh, you have a meeting in five minutes.

Oh, I forgot. Thank you. Wow, you're good.

Yes, I am.

He)', GUYS- HOW's it going?

Hi, Theo.

Hey, why didn't you call me back

last week?

- Um, because I'm a kook.

- Ha, ha.

- Yeah, that sounds about right.

- Hey, Charles.

- Great seeing you, Theodore.

- You too.

You went shopping. Get anything good?

Um, just come cables and a fruit smoothie.

Ugh! Always the fruit.

Don't you know what people say?

You've got to eat your fruits

and juice your vegetables.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, by juicing the fruit,

you lose all the fibers.

That's what your body wants.

That's the important part.

- Otherwise it's all just sugar.

- It makes sense.

Or maybe he just likes

the way that it tastes...

...and then that brings him pleasure

and that's good for his body too.

- Am I doing it again? Heh.

- Maybe.

Hey, so how's the documentary going?

I've cut some stuff over the past few months.

I mean, no. Not over the past few months,

but, um, no, I haven't.

Well, I'd love to see some sometime.

- Okay.

- Ugh.

You only have so much energy, you know?

And to divide yourself between doing

what it is that you have to do...

...and then doing what you love,

it's so important to prioritize.

I can't even prioritize

between video games and Internet porn.

I would laugh if that weren't true.

- See you, GUYS-

-Ha.

We're not doing well.

Been going in circles for an hour.

Okay, you have not.

You're just not being optimistic.

You're being very stubborn right now. Heh.

Okay, stop walking this direction.

It's the other way.

Um...

Thank you. Thank you. Okay, the tunnel

on the left is the only one we haven't tried.

I think that's the one you sent me down

where I fell in the pit.

Okay, I don't think so.

Oh, yeah, this is different.

Hello.

Do you know how to get out of here?

I need to find my ship to get off this planet.

F*** you, sh*t-head f***-face f***-head.

Okay, but do you know

how to get out of here?

F*** you, sh*t-head f***-face.

Get the f*** out of my face!

I think it's a test.

- F*** you.

- F*** you!

F*** you, little sh*t!

Ha, ha. Follow me, f***-head!

Hey, you just got an e-mail

from Mark Lewman.

- What are you talking about?

- Uh, read e-mail.

Okay, I will read e-mail for Theodore Twombly.

I'm sorry. What's Lewman say?

"We missed you last night, buddy.

Don't forget it's your goddaughter's

birthday on the 29th.

Also, Kevin and I had somebody

we wanted you to meet.

So we took it upon ourselves

to set you up on a date with her next Saturday.

She's fun and beautiful,

so don't back out.

Here's her e-mail." Wow.

This woman is gorgeous.

She went to Harvard, graduated

magna cum laude in computer science.

And she was on the Lampoon.

So that means she's funny and she's brainy.

Ah, she's fat.

SAMANTHA". Theodore, how long

before you're ready to date?

What do you mean?

SAMANTHA". I saw in your e-mails

that you'd gone through a breakup recently.

Well, you're kind of nosy.

Am I?

I've gone on dates.

Well, then you can go on one

with this woman.

And then you could tell me all about it.

You could kiss her.

- Heh. Samantha.

- What? Wouldn't you?

Why not?

I don't know.

I'd have to see if there was some...

I can't believe I'm having

this conversation with my computer.

SAMANTHA". You're not.

You're having this conversation with me.

- You want me to e-mail her?

- Uh...

You've got nothing to lose.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

- Yeah.

- Yes!

- E-mail her.

- Okay, perfect.

Yeah, let's do it.

Make a reservation someplace great.

Yeah? I've got just the place.

Who is that talking?

Oh, that's my friend Samantha.

- Is she a girl?

- Yeah.

I hate women.

All they do is cry all the time.

That's not true. You know, men cry too.

I actually like crying sometimes.

It feels good.

I didn't know you were a little p*ssy.

Is that why you don't have a girlfriend?

I'll go on that date, f*** her brains out, show

you how it's done. You can watch and cry.

- Okay. This kid has some problems.

- You have some f***ing problems, lady!

Really? Okay, I'm gonna go.

- Good. Get out of here, fatty.

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