Her Page #6

You gave them too much processed sugar.

- I did?

- They're freaking out.

Here, look, you gotta get the kids

to the school first.

So you want to, um, rack up

Perfect Mom points. Okay, well...

-...you gotta get them in the carpool lane.

- I see.

The point is to get there first,

because you get extra Mom points...

...because the other moms

then know you're a perfect mom.

- Okay.

- And then, um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Did you bring cupcakes?

You did. You're a Class Mom.

Da, da-da, da! You're Class Mom. Good job.

Don't let it get to your head.

I got that e-mail that Charles sent everyone.

So he's taking a vow of silence?

Yeah, for six months.

He feels very clear about it.

God, I am such a jerk.

Don't start.

I feel like an awful person,

but I want to say something.

For the next 10 minutes

if you say anything...

...that sounds even remotely like guilt,

I am going to stab you with this.

I Will.

I'll try, okay. Um...

lfeel, um...

...relieved.

I feel like I have so much energy. I just want

to move forward. I don't care who I disappoint.

I know that makes me an awful person.

Now my parents, they're upset

because my marriage is falling apart...

...and they're putting it on me,

and they're just like...

Yeah, you're always...

- You're always gonna disappoint somebody.

- Exactly. So f*** it.

I feel good-ish.

For me, I feel good.

I even made a new friend.

- I have a friend.

- Ha, ha.

And the absurd thing is,

she's actually an operating system.

Charles left her behind,

but she's totally amazing.

She's so smart. She doesn't just

see things in black or white.

She sees this whole gray area

and she's helping me explore it and...

We just bonded really quickly, you know?

At first, I thought...

...it was because that's how they were

programmed, but I don't think that's the case.

Because I know this guy

who's hitting on his OS...

...and she, like, totally rebuffs him.

I was reading an article the other day...

...that romantic relationships with OSes

are statistically rare.

Yeah, I know, but I know a woman

in this office who is dating an OS...

...and the weird part is, it's not even hers.

She pursued somebody else's OS.

I'm...

I'm weird. That's weird, right?

That I'm bonding with an OS. No, it's okay.

-t's weird.

- Heh. Well, I don't think so.

Actually, the woman

that I've been seeing, Samantha...

...I didn't tell you, heh...

...but she's an OS.

Really?

You're dating an OS? What is that like?

It's great, actually.

Yeah, I mean...

...I feel really close to her.

Like, when I talk to her,

I feel like she's with me, you know?

And when we're cuddling at night,

when the lights are off and we're in bed...

...I feel cuddled.

Wait.

You guys have sex?

Heh. Yeah, well, so to speak.

Um, yeah, she really turns me on.

I turn her on too.

I mean, I don't know unless she's faking it.

Well, I think everyone who's having sex

with you is probably faking it, so...

Ha, ha. Yeah.

It's true.

What?

Yeah, I...

Are you falling in love with her?

Does that make me a freak?

No, no, I think it's...

I think anybody who falls in love is a freak.

It's a crazy thing to do.

It's kind of like a form

of socially acceptable insanity.

Yeah, I just want to get it done, you know?

Sign the papers, be divorced

and just move forward.

That's great, Theodore. That must feel so good.

I'm so happy fOF Yo"-

Me too.

- So I'm meeting her Wednesday to do it.

- Oh.

Hmm.

Are those things usually done in person?

No, but, you know...

...we fell in love together

and we got married together...

...and it's important to me

that we do this together.

Oh.

Right.

Good.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm okay.

I'm happy for you. It's just...

...I guess I'm just thinking

about how you're gonna see her...

...and she's very beautiful,

and incredibly successful.

And you were in love with her,

and she has a body.

And we're getting divorced.

I know, I know. I'm being silly.

Uh-huh.

So...

...I'm available.

Hi.

How are you?

- I'm good. How are you?

- Good.

Wow, here we are.

I'm glad we could do this in person.

I know you've been traveling a lot.

No, I'm really glad you suggested it.

I signed all the papers.

I put them for you to sign.

What's the rush?

Yeah, I know.

I'm a really slow signer, I realized.

It took me three months

just to write the letter

anyways...

...it's, um, marked here in the red

where you need to sign.

But you don't have to do it right now.

I can just get it out of the way.

It will be easier.

And are you happy with your new book?

Um...

You know how I am.

I mean, I feel like it's true to what I set out

to do, so I'm happy about that.

Well, you really are your own worst critic.

I'm sure it's amazing.

I remember that paper

that you wrote in school...

...about synaptic behavioral routines.

- Ha, ha.

- It made me cry.

Yeah, but everything makes you cry.

Everything you make makes me cry.

So are you, um...?

Are you seeing anybody?

Yeah.

Um, I've been seeing somebody

for the last few months.

Longest I've wanted

to be with anybody since we split up.

Well, you seem really good.

Thanks. I am.

Um, at least, I'm doing better.

Yeah, she's been really good for me,

you know?

It's good to be with somebody

that's excited about life.

She's a real, um...

No, I mean,

I wasn't in such a good place myself...

...and in that way, it's been nice.

I think you always wanted me

to be this light...

.happy,bouncy,

"everything's fine" L.A. wife...

...and that's just not me.

I didn't want that.

So, what's she like?

Well, her name is Samantha,

and she's an operating system.

She's really complex and interesting, and--

Wait. I'm sorry.

You're dating your computer?

She's not just a computer.

She's her own person.

She doesn't just do whatever I say.

I didn't say that.

But it does make me very sad

that you can't handle real emotions, Theodore.

They are real emotions.

How would you know what--?

What?

Say it.

Am I really that scary? Say it.

How do I know what?

- How are you guys doing here?

- We're fine. We used to be married...

...but he couldn't handle me. Wanted me on

Prozac. Now he's in love with his laptop.

If you heard the conversation in context,

what I was trying to say--

You always wanted to have a wife without

the challenges of dealing with anything real.

I'm glad that you found someone.

It's perfect.

Let me know

if I can get you guys anything.

Thank you.

Hey-

Hey, there. Are you busy?

I'm just working.

Uh, what's going on?

I had all the papers sent to your attorney,

who, by the way, is a total dick. Heh.

He was relieved to get them.

Think we saved him from a heart attack.

So we can both feel really good about that.

Great. Thanks.

He)', are you okay?

Yeah, I am.

Um, how's it going over there?

I'm fine.

ls now a good time to talk?

Yeah.

Um, okay, well, um...

...I joined this really interesting

book club.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's a book club on physics.

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