Hercules Page #3

My answer is two words

Okay.

You mean you'll do it?

- You win.|- You won't be sorry, Phil.

- Oh, gods.|- So when do we start? Can we start now?

Oy, vay.

I'd given up hope|that someone would come

Along

A fella who'd ring the bell|for once

Not the gong

The kind who wins trophies

Won't settle for low fees

At least semipro fees

But, no|I get the greenhorn

I've been out to pasture, pal|My ambition gone

Content to spend lazy days|and to graze my lawn

But you need an advisor

A satyr, but wiser

A good merchandiser|and... whoa

There goes my ulcer|I'm down to one last hope, and I hope

It's you

Though, kid, you're not|exactly a dream come true

It rained enough turkeys

- Who nevercame through|- Whoa!

You're my one last hope|so you'll have to do

Rule number six:
|when rescuing a damsel...

always handle with care.

No!

Rule number 95, kid: concentrate!

Rule number 96:

aim!

Demigods have faced the odds

And ended up a mockey

Don't believe the stories

That you read|on all the crockey

To be a true hero, kid|is a dyin' art

Like paintin' a masterpiece

It's a work of heart

It takes more than sinew

Comes down to what's in you

You have to continue to grow

Now that's more like it!

I'm down to one lastshot

And my last high note

Before that blasted underworld|gets my goat

My dreams are on you, kid

Go make 'em come true

Climb that uphill slope

Keep pushin 'that envelope

You're my one last hope

And, kid, it's up to

You

Yeah!

Did you see that?

Next stop, Olympus.

All right.|Just take it easy, champ.

I am ready.|I want to get off this island.

I want to see battles|and monsters.

Rescue some damsels.

You know, heroic stuff.

- Well.|- Aw, come on, Phil!

Well, okay, okay.|You want a road test? Saddle up, kid.

- We're goin' to Thebes!|- Ya-hoo!

- So what's in Thebes?|- A lot of problems.

It's a big, tough town.|Good place to start buildin' a rep.

Sounds like your basic DID...

- Hyah!|- Damsel in distress!

Not so fast, sweetheart.

I swear, Nessus.|Put me down or I'll...

Whoo!|I like 'em fiey!

Now remember, kid.|First, analyse the situation.

Don't just barrel in there|without thinking. Eh?

He's losin' points for this!

- You don't know what you're...|- Halt!

Step aside, two legs.

Pardon me, my good, uh, uh, sir.

I'll have to ask you to release|that young...

- Keep movin', junior.|- Lady.

But you... Are-Aren't you|a damsel in distress?

I'm a damsel.|I'm in distress.

I can handle this.|Have a nice day.

Uh...

Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close|to the situation to realize...

Ohhh! What are you doin'?|Get your sword!

Sword. Right, right. Rule number 15:|a hero is only as good as his weapon!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it! Hold on!|He's gotta do it on his own.

Come on, kid!|Concentrate!

Use your head!

Oh.

All right!|Not bad, kid!

Not exactly what I had in mind,|but not bad.

Oh, gee, miss.|I'm, I'm really sorry.

- Oh.|- That was dumb.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Nice work! Excelente.

Is Wonderboy here for real?

What are you talkin' about?|Of course he's real. Whoa!

And by the way, sweet cheeks.|I'm real too.

Ugh!

Yee-hah! Ya-hoo!

Whoa!

- How was that, Phil?|- Reign it in, rookie.

You can get away with mistakes|like those in the minor decathlons...

but this is the big leagues!

At least I beat him, didn't I?

Next time, don't let your guard down|because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes!

D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya.

You gotta stay focused,|and you...

Are you, uh, all right,|Miss, uh...

Megara.|My friends call me Meg.

At least they would|if I had any friends.

So did they give you a name|along with all those rippling pectorals?

Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh...

- Uh, uh...|- Are you always this articulate?

Hercules. My...|My name is Hercules.

Herc... Huh.|I think I prefer Wonderboy.

So, uh, uh... How-how-how'd you|get mixed up with the, uh...

Pinhead with hooves?|Well, you know how men are.

They think "No" means "Yes" and|"Get lost" means "Take me. I'm yours".

Don't wory. Shorty here|can explain it to ya later.

Well, thanks for everything, Herc.

It's been a real slice.

Wait! Um, can we give you a ride?

Uh, I don't think your pinto|likes me very much.

Pegasus? Oh, no.|Don't be silly.

He'd be more than happy to... Ow!

I'll be all right.|I'm a big tough girl.

I tie my own sandals|and everything.

Bye-bye, Wonderboy.

Bye.

She's somethin'.|Isn't she, Phil?

Yeah, ye... Oh, yeah.|She's really somethin'.

A real pain in the patella!|Earth to Herc!

Come in, Herc!|Come in, Herc!

We got a job to do, remember?

Thebes is still waitin'.

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Aw, how cute.

A couple of rodents|lookin' for a theme park.

Who you callin' a rodent, sister?

- I'm a bunny!|- A-And I'm his gopher!

Ta-dah!

I thought I smelled a rat.

- Meg.|- Speak of the devil.

Meg, my little flower, my little bird,|my little nut. Meg.

What exactly happened here?

I thought you were gonna persuade|the river guardian to join my team...

for the uprising, and here I am,|kind of river guardian-less.

I gave it my best shot, but|he made me an offer I had to refuse.

Fine. So instead of subtracting|two years from your sentence...

hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay?

- Give that your best shot.|- Look. It wasn't my fault.

It was this wonderboy, Hercules.

Hercules.|Why does that name ring a bell?

I don't know.|Um, maybe we owe him money?

- What was that name again?|- Hercules.

He comes on with this big,|innocent farm boy routine...

but I could see through that|in a Peloponnesian minute.

Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name|of that kid we were supposed to...

Oh, my gods!|Run for it!

So you took care of him, huh?

Dead as a doornail.

Weren't those your exact words?

This might be|a different Hercules.

Yeah! I mean, Hercules|is a very popular name nowadays!

Remember, like, a few years ago,|every other boy was named Jason...

and the girls|were all named Brittany?

I'm about to rearrange|the cosmos...

and the one schlemiel|who can louse it up...

is waltzing around in the woods!

Wait. Wait, big guy.

- We can still cut in on his waltzing.|- That's right.

And-And at least we made him mortal.|That's a good thing.

Didn't we?

Hmm. Fortunately|for the three of you...

we still have time to correct|this rather egregious oversight.

And this time, no foul-ups.

Wow!

- Is that all one town?|- One town, a million troubles.

The one and only Thebes.

The Big Olive itself.

If you can make it there,|you can make it anywhere.

Stick with me, kid.|The city is a dangerous place.

- Look where you're goin', numbskull!|- Hey, I'm walkin' here!

See what I mean?|I'm tellin' you. Wackos.

Pita bread. Pita bread.|Get your pita bread here.

- Hey, Mack.|- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You wanna buy a sundial?

He's not interested, all right?|Come on, kid.

The end is coming!|Can't you feel it?

Yes, yes.|Thank you for the info. Yes.

We'll ponder that for awhile.|Just stare at the sidewalk.

Come on.|Don't make eye contact.

People here are nuts. That's because|they live in a city of turmoil.

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